WE ALSO DO REPAIRS

by Tristan Wilson

Short Film
Email: [email protected]

“I can't marry you because you are my brother”

We Also Do Repairs (pilot), 1st Draft – by Twisty

Scene 1A

Awfully shot drama. In the vein of Bold and the Beautiful and Days of our Lives.

Female
“I can’t marry you because you are my brother”

Male
“I’m only your half brother via your mum’s sister’s uncles, sons, brother.”

Female
“Can that be far enough away not to upset people?”

Male
“As long as your dad doesn’t tell my sister who is your mum.”

Zoom out to reveal Barry the backroom technician watching this crap drama (still audible in the background). Barry’s eyes are glued to the screen whilst slowly unscrewing a computer case.


Scene 1B
Nick sitting at his desk with one customer in the shop.
The customer wanders for bit, then approaches Nick. Customer gets distracted by a wall of photo’s behind the desk. The pictures are all printouts of women from a security camera (down top shots). Written underneath says If you know these people please advise the staff.

Customer
“Are those pictures of people who have stolen from the shop”

Nick
“Suspected”

Customer
“They are all women”

Nick
“Yeah, I know, do you know any of them?”

Customer shakes head

Nick
“oh well, where you after anything in particular”

Customer
“Yeah a 1GB DDR 400”

Nick
“All righty then, (shouting)Barry do you know where we keep the hard drives.”

Barry
“I have told you before, no talking to me whilst my show is on, you little prick.”

Nick turns around and looks on the shelf
“They should be around here. I think Jeremy’s done a clean up. He’s like a bloody wife”

Customer
“You mean you sleep with him?”

Nick (sarcastically)
“Yeah, but he doesn’t put out”

Customer
“What do you mean?”

Nick
“I was just playing on your joke. You know, pretending he’s my wife, but we don’t, you know?

Customer
“What, have sex. I hate it how people go on about married couples no longer having sex. I am married and have lots of enjoyable sex. Single people are the ones who don’t have sex. Are you married?

Nick
“No”

Customer
“When’s the last time you had sex (with a women?)”

Nick
“That’s a bit personal”

Customer
“I’ll take that as my point taken. Don’t worry about the hard drive.”

Customer leaves

Nick
“Good luck getting your drive hard. Could of said something like that. Hard drive, hard penis, it would of worked.”

Annoyed, Jeremy storms through the front door.

Nick
“Oh, what’s your problem you 18 year old drama queen”

Jeremy
“I am fed up with doing the call outs.”

Nick
“Oh, that old chestnut. We go through this every week.”

Jeremy
“Well, why do I always have to go and do them?”

Nick
“Because you are younger and more able to get into the small spaces. And you are more of a people person than myself”

Jeremy
That’s crap, and there’s only two years between us. I want to do more. I want to go out and see the world.”

Nick
“You do go out and see the world.”

Jeremy
“As 5Km radius isn’t really the world.”

Nick
“It’s small chunky wonderment. What’s really your issue this time?”

Jeremy
“Why isn’t computer repairs a sexy job.”

Nick (starting to lose interest)
“Arh, I see what this is about.”

Jeremy
“House wife’s home during the day. The milkman comes in, or the gardener or the garbage men. I’ve seen the shows, I know the ten 4.
They answer the door in their under garments.
(in a girls voice) I’ve got a problem with my computer it won’t turn on.

You know, sexy computer innuendos.
(in girls voice again) I think I got a virus, did you bring any protection.
(macho voice) Well you better show me your operating system.

Nick (interrupting)
“Look, maybe you just need appear more… attractive.”

Jeremy
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

Nick
“Maybe wear something more tighter and undo some of buttons. Let the chest hair flow. I read somewhere that chicks dig chest hair.”

Jeremy
“Yeah, I feel sexy, I think I’m ready to go back out”

Jeremy leaves


Nick (shouting as Jeremy just goes out of sight)
“And maybe get some elastic for your underwear so your arse crack doesn’t show. (to himself) This can only end badly.”

 

Scene 2
Jeremy knocks at the front door of a house. And a very sexy women answers the door wearing a nightgown (she’s meant to look hot)and she is interested in Jeremy. She talks like a sex advert voiceover. Romanic music in background.

Lady
“Hello there sexy”

Jeremy
“Well hello to you to, I have come to clean the po….. I mean fix your computer.”

Lady
“That’s a bit unfortunate for me, because I didn’t call you.”

Jeremy
“This isn’t 17 Stevenage Street.”

Lady
“No this is 17 Stevens Street.”

Jeremy
“Oh never mind, would you like me to increase your RAM speed anyway?”

Lady
“Well it’s a pity, because I don’t have a computer.”

Music and romantic voices stop suddenly.

Jeremy (confused)
“What do you mean you don’t have a computer, everyone has a computer. Most people have more than one computer.”

Lady
“You could come in anyway”

Jeremy
“What, into your weird non computerised world. I think not. I bid you good day.”

Walks off mumbling
“No computer, what a stupid world she must live in.”


Scene 3
Jeremy walks up to another house and knocks on the door. A very gay looking and speaking man answers the door

Man
“Hello, I guess you’re the guy who has come to fix my computer, come on in.”

Jeremy (reluctant)
“You not by any chance gay, are you.”

Man
“What kind of company did I call? I’m not gay, but you obviously are, nothing’s wrong with that, but I’m not into that kind of thing, sorry for getting your hopes up.

The Man shuts the door

Jeremy
(to himself as he walks away)
“Me gay, I’m not gay. I watch porn. But there are guys in it. But I like the women.

Jeremy licks his hand and tries to use the saliva on it to see his reflection (like a mirror)

“Nah I’m not gay.”

Scene 4
Back in the shop with Nick. There are no customers. Nick is watching a monitor of the camera he has setup outside the shop so he can see who walks by.

Nick
“ooh, here’s a hotty.”

Nick gets up a runs to the front door leans against the frame. Just as he gets there a beautiful lady walks bye.

Nick
“Hello, how you going?”

Lady
(she doesn’t stop)
“Hello”

Nick
“I’m in there. Onto to wall she goes.”


Scene 5
Jeremy at the door of yet another house. Knocks again. A normal looking hotish lady answers.

Jeremy (just acting normal again)
“Were you the lady who called about an issue with your computer.”

Lady
“Yeah I was, come on in.”

Jeremy follows the Lady down the hall to her lounge room, which has the computer in one corner.”

Lady
“Every time I turn it on it just goes to that stupid blue screen.”

Jeremy
“Ok, let me have a look.”

As the computer is loading

 
Jeremy
“You have a lovely house”

Lady
“We are only renting”

Jeremy
“Well, I like what you have done with the interior”

Lady
“It came fully furnished.”

Jeremy (picking up a nearby lamp)
“Did you buy this lamp?”

Lady
“Yes”

Jeremy
“What a lovely lamp.”

Lady
“Why thank you. Would you like something to drink?”

Jeremy
“Yeah why not. How about a frapacino?”

Lady
“I don’t think I know how to make one.”

Jeremy
“That’s all right I didn’t really want one, I just like saying the word frapacino. Frapacino. Frapacino.”

Lady
“How about a coffee?”

Jeremy
“Yeah a coffee will be fine.”

Lady
“How do you have it.”

Jeremy
“Like my women. With a bit of milk and two sugars.”


Lady
“Arrh bugger!!!?

Jeremy
“You ok?”

Lady
“I just banged my knee into the cupboard.”

Jeremy gets up and goes over to have a look. The lady is rubbing her knee.

Lady
“Has it taken any skin off”

Jeremy kneels down to get a closer look

Jeremy
“It all looks fine.”

The front door opens and in walks the Lady’s Husband. From his angle it looks like Jeremy is feeling up his wife’s skirt

Husband
“What the hell is going on here?”

Jeremy quickly gets back to his feet.

Lady
“Nothing, he was just...”

Husband
“He was just about to die, that’s what.”

Jeremy runs out the back door. The husband runs after him.

Scene 6
Back at the shop. A customer is just leaving, Nick walks back to the counter.

Jeremy
(hiding out the back)
“Is everyone gone?”

Nick
“Yeah you’re clear to come out.”

Jeremy
“It’s not fair. I’m going to get killed and for no reason. I didn’t even get a touch. What about the 3 second rule?”

Nick
“I think that only applies to food.”

Jeremy
“I wasn’t even trying it on with her.”

Nick
“Yeah you did get the raw end of the stick”

Jeremy
“Do you cook sticks?”

Nick
“What”

Jeremy
“To have a raw end you need a cooked end”

Nick
“If the killing thing doesn’t end up happening, make sure you let me know.”

Jeremy
“Oh crap, here he comes.”
Jeremy runs out the back. The husband storms through the front door of the shop

Husband
“Where is the little toe rag?”

Nick
“Look, maybe you have got the…. What is a toe rag?”

Husband gives Nick a death stare

Nick
“Have you spoken to your wife about what happened? I am pretty sure you have got the whole thing wrong.”

Husband
“Why is there a picture of my wife on your wall.”

Nick
“Well…”

Husband
“This whole shop if full of perverts”

The husband then punches Nick in the face and he drops to the ground.

Husband
“Don’t let me see you or your little boyfriend again.”

The husband leaves and Jeremy slowly appears again. Nick is still lying on the floor.

Jeremy
“Thanks for taking the punch for me mate. I wonder why it took so long for him to catch up to me?

Nick still lying on the ground groan.

Jeremy
“Yeah maybe. Anyway, I don’t think it is right to flirt with married women. Especially if they have big husbands. I think we have both learnt a lesson from this.”

Nick lets out a groan again.

Jeremy
“Yeah, I don’t think I will go near a lady for quite (laughs) I don’t actually mean that.”

Jeremy notices something on the monitor for the camera outside. We don’t see what.


Jeremy
“Hang on, look what I have spied with my little eye.”

Jeremy walks over to the front door

Jeremy
“Hey, sexy.”

Shot of a poorly dressed looking cross dresser

Cross Dresser
“Well, hello to you too.”

Shocked look on Jeremy’s face

Jeremy (to himself)
“I’m not gay, I’m not bloody gay.”


THE END

Download Script

Script Submission Form

Sponsored Links