THE PISSING CONTEST
Short Film
Email: [email protected]
THE PISSING CONTEST
Written by
R. Pettifer
Richard Pettifer
(03) 9329 0710
[email protected]
THE PISSING CONTEST
FADE IN:
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM - NIGHT
Man #1 stands at a urinal pissing. He is mid-20’s dressed in a suit, with short, spiked hair.
There is no-one else around him. A dozen white ceramic urinals are lined up against the wall of the fluro-lit bathroom.
Man #2 comes up to the cubical beside him and begins to piss. He is early 30’s, and dressed in jeans and a black and red checkered shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He looks a little like a lumberjack.
Man #1 seems slightly put off by the fact that there is no-one else in the bathroom but Man #2 has chosen the urinal next to him. The two men are pissing together for a moment.
Man #2 speaks in an Australian colloquial manner, presumably to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation.
MAN #2
Phwoar, a few too many beers, eh?
MAN #1
Yeah.
Pause. They continue to piss.
MAN #2
How’s Keating going down? Can you believe it?
MAN #1
Yeah, it’s amazing.
MAN #2
Who’d have thought the Liberals would get in?
Pause. They continue to piss.
MAN #2 (CONT’D)
Still, can’t do too much harm, eh? This country needs a bit more economic management I reckon. Too much soft-cock left-winging going on.
MAN #1
What do you mean?
MAN #2
Listen, it’s a simple equation. Better economy, Government makes more surplus, which means they can go ahead and spend it on education and health. You wait and see.
MAN #1
I guess you’re right.
It is now obvious that they have been pissing for longer than is humanly possible.
MAN #2
Where you from mate?
MAN #1
Tooroogernac.
MAN #2
Oh yeah? Up North eh?
MAN #1
That’s it, yeah.
MAN #2
What brings you down here?
MAN #1
(pathetically)
Well, yesterday I found my wife in bed with another man.
MAN #2
(almost religiously)
Mate, I’m sorry.
MAN #1
Nah, it’s okay.
MAN #2
No seriously, that’s fucked mate. I’m really sorry about that.
He seems really affected by it.
MAN #1
Nah, it’s okay, seriously.
MAN #2
What did you do?
MAN #1
Well, I just stood there watching them for a while. I sort of couldn’t believe it. I was just watching them fuck, and it was really… rhythmical. Like the ticking of a clock. I couldn’t look away. It was hypnotic almost. You know when you’re looking out at an ocean, and you’re watching a light blinking on top of a buoy, and it’s like you can’t look away.
Man #2 murmurs in agreement.
You know that it’s going to blink again in a second but you keep watching, just to make sure it happens. It was almost soothing, the repetition of it. I can’t explain it. It was unexplainable, the feeling.
MAN #2
I don’t understand.
MAN #1
I’m sorry, it really is unexplainable.
They continue to piss.
MAN #2
Well, ya know, I stabbed a man once.
MAN #1
Oh yeah?
MAN #2
Yeah. It was in a castle in England. I was breaking in to steal some valuable memorabilia to add to my collection. That’s what I do, I collect valuable English memorabilia.
MAN #1
Oh yeah? I have a cousin that does that.
MAN #2
What’s his name?
MAN #1
Adam Snow.
MAN #2
Oh yeah? (He thinks) Don’t know him. Does he trade in Australia?
MAN #1
Crimea, mostly.
MAN #2
Oh, that’s it then! I’m not allowed to trade with Crimea. It’s prohibited under Australian Trade Law
MAN #1
That’s it then.
MAN #2
That must be it. Anyway, so there were torches on the walls, lit with beautiful flame. All I can see now when I close my eyes is how beautiful he looked after I stabbed him. The terrific expression on his face! Terrified, he was. It was like he was orgasming and crying and had just been for a really long run all at the same time.
MAN #1
That must have been inspirational.
MAN #2
Yeah. It sure was!
Man #1 starts having a coughing fit. He doubles over in pain, but desperately tries to keep his penis pointed in the right direction. You can hear the piss coming out in little, sporadic spurts rather than the previous steady stream. Man 2 Tries to help him by hitting him on the back whilst keeping on pissing. Presently, he falls over and joins Man 1 on the ground.
The coughing fit passes. Both men have stopped pissing. They are now in a position of extreme intimacy on the floor of the toilet.
MAN #1
Sorry, I think I got some piss on you.
MAN #2
No worries mate. It’ll wash right out.
They look into each other’s eyes and kiss passionately. They writhe about on the floor and aggressively suck face.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBERAL PARTY HEADQUARTERS, SOFITAL WENTWORTH HOTEL SYDNEY – EVENING
John Howard concedes the 2007 Election.
JOHN HOWARD
Thank-you, please, please. My fellow Australians, a few moments ago I telephoned Mr Kevin Rudd and I congratulated him and the Australian Labour Party on a very emphatic victory. This is a great democracy, and I want to wish Mr. Rudd well, he assumes the mantle of the 26th Prime Minister of Australia, and I want to say that there is no prouder job in the world that anybody can occupy, than being Prime Minister of this country(clapping). I wish him well in the tasks that he will undertake, and I want to say on behalf of the Coalition, that has governed this country for the last eleven and a half years that we bequeath to him a nation that is stronger and prouder and more prosperous than it was eleven and a half years ago.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM – EVENING
The two men are washing their hands. Man #1 begins absent mindedly reciting a sonnet into the mirror.
MAN #1
It seemed, when I first looked on your fair face,
Just that sole moment it had been alive.
And fair from fair declined in your embrace,
And histories, of me, thou didst deprive.
The leaves on eucalypt breathe to decay,
The river water runs dirt, silt and saline,
The butter-yellow wattle turns ghost-grey,
The bunyip bones chewed up by mouse and feline.
Your slyness and your innocence beseeches
The deep daylight from heaven, columns streaming,
And with my sorry, and plain sweeping speeches,
The sun burnt land continued with its dreaming.
Would your past die in new maturity?
Or do rocks scorn still in quiet conspiracy?
They continue washing their hands. They exchange a glance, and a grin.
MAN #2
(grinning)
So, what are you up to tomorrow?
MAN #1
Tomorrow? Oh, er, nothing, nothing.
MAN #2
Do you want to go see a movie?
MAN #1
Er, yeah, that’d be really nice.
MAN #2
Okay. Here’s my card. Give me a call sometime.
MAN #1
Alright, I will.
Man #2 smiles and turns off the tap.
MAN #2
See you tomorrow, then.
Man #2 smiles, leaves. Man #1 continues washing his hands, smiling to himself.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
This script is subject to Australian Copyright Laws, which protect all documents where authorship can be proven. Any unauthorized copying, plagiarism, adaptation, or distribution without consulting the owner is illegal and will not be tolerated.
© Richard Pettifer 2007
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© Richard Pettifer 2007 This script is subject to Australian Copyright Laws, which protect all documents where authorship can be proven. Any unauthorized copying, plagiarism, adaptation, or distribution without consulting the owner is illegal and will not be tolerated.