PUB DUNNY BLUES

by John Laing

Short Film
Email: [email protected]

Soon proves that a fool and his money are soon parted, when Doug during celebrations at the pub (about 15 minutes after the job, still with the bag of cash), finds himself locked in the Dunny with a rather large man. Who feels that he has a right to the money, as it was his brother who got caught doing the job. Either Doug is very smart or very stupid, hiding and moving from cubicle to cubicle, but it will be over his dead body before he hands over anything and that’s about right. The police bash down the door of the dunny to arrest the Brother, who is under surveillance as a drug dealer. Without knowing this DOUG starts stuffing his money down the toilet, whilst outside his cubicle the Brother is being arrested. By the time all the money is flushed down the dunny, the policeman drag the Brother out and tap on the cubicle door, “you right mate, you should be right now we’ve arrest the bloke, (passes card under door), just give us a call if you get time” and leaves. Doug is left on the Dunny.




Pub Dunny Blues




By John Laing

March 2005


Draft Copy

March 2005
                            © COPYRIGHT John Laing, 2005
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Synopsis:

Episode 1: Mate!
Laurie and Doug yearn for the chance to make it big and get some respect, but that is not always possible if you are complete losers. However sometimes things do work out for the best, or do they.  The only way they can get some respect and cash is to do an armed robbery, which is way out of their league, having failed as shoplifters and inturn as car thieves, but this job is a sure thing and will set them up in the big league.

Episode 2: Pub Dunny Blues soon proves that a fool and his money are soon parted, when Doug during celebrations at the pub (about 15 minutes after the job, still with the bag of cash), finds himself locked in the Dunny with a rather large man. Who feels that he has a right to the money, as it was his brother who got caught doing the job. Either Doug is very smart or very stupid, hiding and moving from cubicle to cubicle, but it will be over his dead body before he hands over anything and that’s about right. The police bash down the door of the dunny to arrest the Brother, who is under surveillance as a drug dealer. Without knowing this DOUG starts stuffing his money down the toilet, whilst outside his cubicle the Brother is being arrested. By the time all the money is flushed down the dunny, the policeman drag the Brother out and tap on the cubicle door, “you right mate, you should be right now we’ve arrest the bloke, (passes card under door), just give us a call if you get time” and leaves. Doug is left on the Dunny.

























Scene 1. INT        Public Bar                            Day 1                                           
The public bar of the Railway Hotel has seen little change in 97 years, which includes many of its patrons. Apart from the ageing barmaid, there are only two elderly men holding up the bar and perusing the form guide and a middle age man who looks anxious.
LAURIE and DOUG enter using a side door into their second home. DOUG is carry a bag and has a stocking hanging out of his top pocket.


LAURIE

I’ll have a pot of VB Mate


DOUG

What


LAURIE

A VB mate


DOUG

Its your shout


LAURIE

Bullshit its your shout


DOUG

Whys its always my shout



LAURIE

Because


DOUG

Shit I am not made of money


LAURIE

Check the bag dickhead

DOUG grabs the bag he is carrying closer

DOUG

What this one


LAURIE

Yeh that one, why did you have to bring it in anyway


DOUG

To keep and eye on it.


LAURIE

Well grab us some cash mate

DOUG opens bag and goes to grab some cash, only the Middle age man truly notices.


LAURIE

Not here dickhead

LAURIE tucks the money back and shuts the bag


DOUG

What


LAURIE

Take into the Dunny

LAURIE indicates with his head towards the dunnies, DOUG looks blankly



DOUG

Ladies or Gents


LAURIE

What do you think


DOUG

Ladies?

LAURIE wacks DOUG on the back of the head, now everyone in the pub notices them.

DOUG

The Gents


LAURIE

Right ….. and hurry a mans not a camel mate


DOUG

No worries


LAURIE

And Doug


DOUG

Yeh


LAURIE
LAURIE points to stocking hanging of pocket

The ….

DOUG

Oh
DOUG grabs the stocking holds up and quickly puts it in the bag. The middle age man is beginning to put two and two together and get a shit load of cash.

DOUG turns and heads into the Gents while LAURIE heads to his favourite spot on the Bar.


Scene 2. INT        Gents (PUB)                            Day 1                                           
What can you say it’s a gents in a run down pub, not quite at the stage were it could be condemed or if used to interview Iraqi prisoners would infringe on the Geneva Convention but its still pretty Bad. DOUG makes his way to his favourite cubicle, its his favourite for two reason, he can nod off in there and there is also a pretty good chance that there is toilet paper in there. DOUG is still carry the bag close to his chest.

DOUG Stops to check himself in the mirror, the stocking had messed up his hair, he puts down the bag to wet his hair with tap water and comb it using both hands.

The door opens with a thud, DOUG is still trying to get his mullet just right.


DOUG

I am coming mate……

DOUG Turns around to see the big middle aged bloke standing in the doorway


DOUG

Shit

BIG TED moves into Gents right up next DOUG and adjusts his hair while looking into the mirror.

BIG TED

Your in the right place China


DOUG

Sorry mate I gotta go


BIG TED

Why the hurry
DOUG

No hurry…..I just……shit……you know


BIG TED

Nup…..whats in the bag my little China?

DOUG quickly grabs bag and pulls it close, stepping back away from mirror


DOUG

Nuthing just washing mate



BIG TED

I am not your mate

Doug is trying edge away


BIG TED

Must be bloody important washing

Doug is Looking around and shaking


DOUG

Shit yeh…I am taking it to my mums to wash…..gotta go

BIG TED pushes DOUG back as he attempts to leave

BIG TED

Not so quick


DOUG

Really I gotta get to me mum



BIG TED

What say I give your mum a hand by doing some laundering myself


DOUG

Nuh its alright honest… she loves doing it


BIG TED

I said I would help so pass it over


DOUG is looking around for an escape route, but with only 3 cubicles, a small window above the urinal and with BIG TED standing in front of the one door, there aren’t to many options.
DOUG’s other option is to fight, a quick Fitzroy Uppercut and he’s through the door, it only takes 3 seconds for DOUG to work out his best option.



BIG TED
BIG TED face reddens and nostrils flare

Come on you little Turd hand over the bag


If  DOUG could hold the same speed over a 100m then a Olympic Gold medal would be his, but is was only over 4.25m to the first Cubicle.
BIG TED moves over the Cubicle and thumps door


BIG TED

Your beginning to piss me off


DOUG

Have a piss in the trough mate I using this one

BIG TED thumps the door again. One of the old  PUNTERS from the bar comes in, Looks at BIG TED, stops to think while holding the door open. BIG TED turns to look at the punter.



PUNTER
       
I can wait

While BIG TED has his back turned, DOUG slips under partition to next Cubicle, the one with the faulty door.
BIG TED thumps the door again, this time it opens with a loud bang.


BIG TED

Where are you , you little turd


DOUG is squatting on top of the toilet clutching tightly to the bag.
BIG TED is trying to look under the cubicles.


BIG TED

Your starting to give me the shits mate.


DOUG is still squatting on top of the toilet clutching tightly to the bag looking very nervous as the huge shadow the other side of the door prowls outside.
BIG TED stops to think steps back and pauses in front of each cubicle to listen


BIG TED

Okay mate I’ll be outside and you better be out in 5 minutes mate!


DOUG looks more relieved especially when he hears down open and close. He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. He opens eyes and looks up to see BIG TED looking over the top of the Cubicle

DOUG

Oh SHIT


BIG TED

You said it mate




DOUG

But I just …………


BIG TED

But nothing pal, you’ve got two choices ….

BIG TED pulls out a knife, the blade looks big and sharp from where DOUG is sitting.

…… you can pass over the bag now and I’ll give a 10 second head start or I come and get the bag and that won’t be good.


DOUG considering his options and they don’t look good.


DOUG

How much he start was that?

BIG TED takes leans over the cubicle and takes a swipe at  DOUG who falls off toilet trying to get away


BIG TED

Stop moving you little bastard


DOUG

Piss off you big bastard, you could have hurt


BIG TED

I think you get the idea now


BIG TED looks under the cubicle and takes another swipe at  DOUG who jumps onto toilet trying to get away. BIG TED then moves back to look over cubicle and takes another swipe forcing DOUG to fall and hit door and head in now on the outside of cubicle with the rest of his body and the bag on the inside of the cubicle. DOUG is sligthly stunned but comes back to reality, looking up to see the light being cut by BIG TED.


DOUG

Hows it going…. Won’t be a minute mate


DOUG tries to pull himself back into the cubicle but  BIG TED grabs him around the neck with one hand and is about to use the knife.


BIG TED

You should have passed it over when you had the chance dickhead.

As knife is edging closer, DOUG closes his eyes, when the door bursts open. In rushes a burly Detective and two uniformed police, with guns drawn.


DECTECTIVE

Put down that knife pal


BIG TED

What the &*£$?

BIG TED changes his focus and gets up to tackle the 3 police.


DECTECTIVE

Put down the knife or we shoot


The police go into shooting stance, BIG TED thinks for a moment and drops his knife and is willing to take his chances in a charge to the Door. The police put away there guns. BIG TED Then rushes the door.
DOUG watches in panic, ducks back into the cubicle banging his head on the way.

DOUG is sitting in the Cubicle in a panic, while outside the police are tackling BIG TED, with bodies hitting the cubicle door etc.

DOUG looks in the bag sighs and starts stuffing it down the toilet. The noise and fighting is continuing while DOUG increases in panic as the noise dies down.



DECTECTIVE

Okay cuff him


POLICE 1

What do we charge him with?


DECTECTIVE

Assault for a start


The two Police officers pick up BIG TED who is not very happy and start to take him out the door.


POLICE 2

Hey what about the weedy bloke in the dunny


The DETECTIVE stops and moves towards the cubicle, while BIG TED tries to turn and break free.

BIG TED

Let me at that little turd ….. I’ll..

The DETECTIVE stops and gives BIG TED a thump to the stomach and the Police officers are ready for another go as well.


DECTECTIVE

Your not getting no one


The DETECTIVE gives BIG TED another thump to the back of his head.
Inside the cubicle DOUG is in a complete panic


POLICE 2

Do you want us have a chat with him now sarge?



POLICE 1

Yeah we can do an interview round the back if you want?


POLICE 2

We won’t charge overtime if it helps.


The DETECTIVE gives the two officers a mean stare and looks back at the cubicle. DOUG is beginning to shit himself, while he hears some muffled sounds of the interview, which includes some connections between BIG TED and various other objects such as fist, walls and doors.
The last of the money is in the dunny, DOUG pauses before he pushes the button.


DETECTIVE

We better finish the interview round the back men, I just need to deal with the bloke in the dunny first.


POLICE 2

Do you need a hand?


DETECTIVE

Nup should be able to handle the weedy bloke myself.


BIG TED is led out of the toilet by the two police officers, banging several times on the way out.  DOUG is a complete panic as the DETECTIVE shadow appears under the cubicle door and the screams of pain by BIG TED are echoing in his head.
Flush the button is pushed and DOUG tries to calm down. The Detective bangs on the door.


DETECTIVE

Hey mate are you alright in there? ……..we’ve just nabbed the bloke beating you up. We wanted him for drugs charges so an assault charge is a bonus hey.



DOUG

Yeah?


DETECTIVE

Yeah when you finished gives call or come down to the station for a statement…here’s my card mate.


The DETECTIVE passes a card under the door



DOUG sits back down on the toilet reading the card and clutching the empty bag.
The DETECTIVES stops on the way out to brush his hair, as LAURIE slowly opens the door.


DETECTIVE

Its right mate its all over….


LAURIE slowly moves into the room


LAURIE

`        He was a big bastard


DETECTIVE

Shit yeah…he won’t be out for a while.


The DETECTIVES stops combing goes out the door
The DETECTIVES slams the toilet door shut as LAURIE gives the door the forks, both barrels, the door opens again and the DETECTIVE reappears.



DETECTIVE

There’s a bloke in the dunny and I think he shitting himself in more ways than one if you know what I mean.


LAURIE

Weak as piss ah


The door closes and LAURIE waits a few seconds just in case the DETECTIVE appears and gives him the forks both barrels again, but with more gusto.
LAURIE moves to the cubicle door and bangs on it, DOUG is still inside on the toilet seat clutching the bag and card.


LAURIE

Hey won’t about my beer, a bloke could die of thirst waiting.


DOUG says nothing, until LAURIE bangs a second time on the door.


DOUG

What


LAURIE

My beer its your shout, I haven’t got all day mate.


DOUG

Won’t be a minute


LAURIE

Well chuck us some dosh under the door mate


LAURIES hand appears under the door, DOUG just looks at it and then the bag.


DOUG

I’ll be out in a minute mate


LAURIE

Hurry up and chucks us some dosh
DOUG goes through his pockets and pulls together a handful of coins and passes them under the door.


LAURIE

Whats that!


DOUG

Beer money


LAURIE

Piss off hand over some notes


DOUG

That’s all I got


LAURIE

Right mate…nice joke


DOUG

Honest that’s it


LAURIE

What happened to the rest of the money


DOUG

I ….. I …… I Flushed it


LAURIE

You what!



DOUG

I flushed it



LAURIE

What all of it


DOUG

Yep


LAURIE

Why


DOUG

I thought they were on to us


LAURIE

You dickhead


DOUG

You would have done the same


LAURIE

You’re a moron a complete moron


LAURIES starts hammering at the door while DOUG starts hammering on his side.


DOUG

Well what makes you so perfect smart arse…your always perfect aren’t you

LAURIE

Not perfect just not a moron …. Shit….come out of there dickhead.


DOUG

Yeah


LAURIE

Yeah


DOUG

Yeah


LAURIE

Yeah


The door opens and the two men face each other and move into fighting stances, fists raised and sparing at each other.


LAURIE

Come on  I’ll have you



DOUG

Yeah you and what army



LAURIE

One hand behind my back mate, just one hand





DOUG

Go on


The two are now sparing each other around the room ducking and weaving



LAURIE

Come on you gutless wonder, stop moving so I can hit yer.



DOUG

To fast for yer hey…Mohamad O’Ryan they call me



LAURIE

What


DOUG

Floats like a butterfly stings like a bee….you’re gone pal


Just as DOUG finishes gone the door opens with a thud and the old PUNTER knocks out DOUG who falls to the floor.


                    PUNTER

            Right to have a slash mate?


Scene 2. EXT    STREET                        Night 1                                           
Shots of a sewer manhole that is open with echoed voice overs


DOUG

Mate it stinks down here


LAURIE

Shut up and keep searching


DOUG

Shit what was that?


LAURIE

Just a big turd



DOUG

Well its big furry and got eyes


LAURIE

Come on you gutless wonder your not leaving until you find the lot


DOUG

You big Turd


The sound of flushing and running water


LAURIE

Speaking of turds he comes one now


The sounds of someone slipping and falling into water.



DOUG

Oh shit

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© COPYRIGHT John Laing, 2005

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