PITCH

by Jeremy Paterson

Short Film
Email: jezza7777777@hotmail.com

Pitch – salesman Paul Backer’s code of ethics goes under scrutiny at a job interview, but he is not one to break under the pressure. This is his job. This is his life. And he wants this job real bad. Just trust him, ok?

PITCH
Written by JEREMY PATERSON, September 2007
93 Sea Acres Drive, Long Beach, NSW, 2536, Australia
Ph: 0417 622 937
Em: jezza7777777@hotmail.com
1 INT. EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY
Man-child PAULIE [30s] is big-boned and moist. His outfit is a
St. Vinnies suit which he's praying no one notices is a fraud.
PAULIE
OK. OK - here it comes...
FREEZE FRAME
Paulie is a salesman. His pitch is comedy. We know this by
his face: eager - there's more to come. He's a stick of
dynamite set to explode - with hilarity. Or so we hope.
Let's see for ourselves...
UNFREEZE FRAME
PAULIE (CONT'D)
OK, OK, the name’s Mr. Paul Backers.
I’m not joking there - surname is
Backers. And my friends – and I’m gonna
classify you as a friend from now on,
Sir – call me Paulie "Can't Wall Me"
Backers – cause you can back me into a
wall and I won’t budge on my savings.
My bargain basement choke on your
chicken so cheap you’re gonna hurl
savings – on this...
Paulie pulls out a knife set he possibly made with own two
bare hands. And Paulie is obviously not a knife-maker.
PAULIE (CONT'D)
...knife set. Sharp as a T-rex's tooth,
smooth as Michael Jackson on the moon –
back in the day I’m talking about there
– and elegant as Princess Diana before
that car crash...
(mournful)
...terrible, terrible, don’t you think?
(back up to speed)
Nonetheless my savings are here to stay.
Cause I’m Paulie Backers, the greatest
showman, salesman, Eskimo-pie-cuttin’
camel carrying coconut crackin'..
Paulie jumps in the air like a Toyota commercial.
PAULIE (CONT'D)
...SUPERSTAR!!!
(serious)
So trust me, will ya’?
2 INT. PAULIE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
BEEEEEP...BEEEEEP....
Paulie's alarm. Whilst most normal people dread the sound
of their morning alarm, Paulie is thrilled.
He leaps out of bed in three seconds flat wearing only his
Homer Simpson boxer shorts. He sprints into the shower.
3 INT. OUTSIDE SHOWER - MORNING
PAULIE
(singing)
...just put on a happy faaaaace!!!
EXEC (V.O.)
(monotone)
You certainly have the confidence,
Mr. Backers. Which is, of course,
the most essential part of any sales
position. So you can talk the talk,
but can you walk the walk? Come
through with the goods, that is.
Paulie skips out of the shower to his bedroom, smiling like
a jester, polka dot towel wrapped around his ample flab.
4 INT. PAULIE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Paulie searches through his closet: twenty St. Vinnie's
suits, all as appallingly tragic as the one before it.
Paulie couldn't be happier. He closes his eyes and does
eenie-meenie-miney-mo to decide which one to wear.
PAULIE (V.O.)
You want it you got it. I'll sell you
needs, I'll sell you...desire. Lust.
Pure passion. I got it all baby. The
tasty morsels of a job well done....
Paulie, dressed, looks in the mirror. Rehearses.
PAULIE (CONT'D)
We're here for a reason. A purpose.
To make a deal where both parties
will go home satisfied. Now how do we
do that? We shake hands like
gentleman and we barter. Not just my
knives for your money - but your
trust for our friendship. And that's
something for life, wouldn't you say?
Paulie smiles with glee.
5 EXT. PAULIE'S HOME - LATER THAT MORNING
Paulie marches out of his home - a stately government
housing sector, carrying an oversized briefcase. The crack
heads next door wave him goodbye, or was that the finger?
2.
EXEC (V.O.)
Any...experience as such? Beyond
the Mitre Ten stint five years ago?
PAULIE (V.O.)
Listen: I’m out there every day
in the field, workin’ my butt off
for the common folk. Some say the
salesman's a shonk but he’s just
out extendin’ some truth,
partner. Some sweet apple pie to
those who ain’t got any.
Paulie strides along the street like he owns the place,
shaking hands with people who you'd guess were strangers.
He pulls out his briefcase but they're long gone - running.
PAULIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The salesman's a medium between the
common citizen - who has nothing -
and the mass consumer retail market
- which has everything.
6 INT. SUBURBAN SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
Paulie stops at a BAKERY to buy his morning pastry[ies].
PAULIE
(to the BAKER)
Mr. Tibbs - how's business today?
Mr. Tibbs is so nice he won't turn away a charity case.
No matter how much he's gotta pay for it.
MR. TIBBS
Paulie! - how are ya'???
PAULIE
How's those knives working out
for you?! Out the back?!...
MR. TIBBS
Me and the Mrs use them at home,
Paulie...for the steaks...so
anyways - how's the job hunt goin'?
PAULIE
(serious)
I'm a free lancer, Mr. Tibbs. I'm
always on the job.
Mr. Tibbs twitches, falling backwards an inch.
PAULIE (CONT'D)
(smiling)
And don't you forget that!
3.
Paulie shakes hands and moves on his way.
PAULIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Today we're all about goods. Owning
stuff. It makes us someone...and
someone who makes other someones
jealous. You buy my knives - you
have a dinner party, show your
friends. Friends get jealous,
friends go buy the same knives. You
gotta keep up - so you upgrade...
Paulie, chomping on his breakfast, walks up to a local FRUIT
SHOP and plants his briefcase outside. He opens it up,
pulling out a portable battery-operated microphone unit.
PAULIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This day and age. The modern day
and age. We're all about upgrades.
Paulie surveys the fruit shop - something close to empty.
He struts across the front entrance, checking out the scene.
He strolls around in circles getting his mood, practicing
hand gestures, facial tics, head wobbles.
A couple creep past and he flashes a massive smile their
way but they didn't get it. It flew straight past 'em.
PAULIE (V.O.)(CONT'D)
And the clinger, clinch, closing
statement in any debate we're gonna
have today...I command respect. Cause
I'm a smooth operator. People respect
confidence like no other.
Paulie, undeterred, picks up the microphone and begins...
PAULIE (CONT'D)
Good morning businessmen, and the
ladies - I never forget the ladies.
(dramatic pause)
Thing I wanna know is: what good is a
morning without fruit - tell me that?
You got your toast, your muffins,
your pastries, but if you ain't got
no fruit you've got an empty meal -
an empty day. An empty life! And
we're all looking to be full ain't
we? I think so.
Paulie slides to the orange stand, preparing his next phase.
4.
PAULIE (CONT'D)
We’ve got oranges today. I took some
home last night and squished ‘em
good for juice and it’s still
sinking into my taste buds like it
loves me. Oooooh yeah! Three dollars
98 a kilo. I’m talking about fresh
juicy oranges so ripe they’ll melt
in your mouth. Not literally of
course, it’s just a saying in this
context - but I’m sure, folks, you
know what I mean.
Paulie scurries over to the other side of the shop.
PAULIE (CONT'D)
Now over here we have the berries -
the straws, the reds, the blues,
the blacks...
(aside)
...watch the blacks: ain't so good.
(back onto it)
And today these berries're...I'm
just gonna say it...
(can't hold it in)
BERRYLICIOUS!!!...Berrylicious...
You get it? Get it?
Paulie finally gets a crowd. One man, that is. Looking
closer, we see this man may, in fact, own the fruit shop.
But he is not happy with Paulie's service. He stomps up to
Paulie with a furious expression. This is not the first time.
FRUIT SHOP MAN
What'd I tell you Paulie? - we don't
want your stint round here no more.
No more Paulie --
PAULIE
I'm here - busting my balls for you -
day in, day out, to pick up some new
customers, cause I know business is
stalling. I know this Dimitri, we'll
keep it on the low, but I know this.
So I come here, of my own free will,
to save you from destitution. And all
I would like from you is for you to
say "Thank you Paulie", "I appreciate
you Paulie - for helping me out like
this"... how bout you just say that
to me right now? How bout it?
5.
7 INT. EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY
Paulie stops smiling. He stops and thinks about what his
life has become. He thinks so hard his head may explode.
PAULIE
And the salesman's code of ethics?
His Bible? It's his gut. His heart
and soul. And it only says one thing.
You fail, you try again. You fail
again...
8 INT. SUBURBAN SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
Paulie, with no shame, shoves the microphone back into his
briefcase and swaggers down the mall, his head held high.
PAULIE (V.O.)
...keep trying...
EXEC (V.O.)
...ummm...ummm...and...what can
you tell me about your family Mr.
Backers. Any children?
9 INT. EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY
Paulie, frustrated, grabs a scrunched up piece of paper.
PAULIE
That's the wrong line, Freddy. You
missed your line and you've ruined
my timing. I hope you remember that.
You ruined my timing and that may
make all the difference. I hope you
remember that.
Paulie flings the paper away, cringing like his mother died.
SECRETARY (O.S.)
Sir. Mr. Paul...Packers...they're
ready to see you now.
PULLING BACK we see that we are not in an executive's
office as such, but the executive's waiting room.
Sitting back on the couch, feet up, is another man,
Paulie's brother, who looks like he may just fall asleep.
He is now holding the scrunched up sheet of paper, which is
scrawled over with question cues.
A YOUNG HOTSHOT struts out of the office. Mid 20s, slick,
handsome. Confident. He glides across the floor.
Paulie watches on with envy and fear.
6.
Paulie retreats back a step, petrified. He looks back at
the door. The bathroom. The window. For any escape.
FREEZE FRAME
Face of complete horror. Paulie's just seen a ghost. He
looks towards the window again. Needs to get outta here!
UNFREEZE FRAME
But he knows he can't. He's gotta take this chance. Whether
it kills him or not. Paulie flings his briefcase to his
side, raising his shoulders, moving briskly to the office.
PAULIE
(to secretary)
Here goes nothin', yeah?
The secretary shrugs.
Paulie edges inside the office. The real EXECUTIVE - thick
chested and intimidating - closes the door behind him.
SLAM!
PAULIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The thing you gotta know about me is -
I'm not a liar. So when I bring you my
pitch, you can take it to the bank...
10 INT. SHOPPING CENTRE
Paulie is outside a NEWSAGENT, trying to make the newest
issue of Women's Weekly look like John Grisham. Trying.
PAULIE (V.O.)
You can cash your cheque. Empty your
account. Hand me your savings. Throw
me daddy's trust account. Cause I'm
the real deal, and I don't make empty
promises.
The store owner lunges out at Paulie, who sprints off and
outta there like a bat out of hell. His briefcase falls
open, the knife set and portable microphone unit clattering
on the ground and echoing throughout the entire area.
Paulie disappears into the outside world, the sunlight
shining through our view and we can't see nothin'.
PAULIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You gotta trust me on this, OK?
CUT TO BLACK
7.

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