NO FUNNY BUSINESS

by Sam Rankin

Short Film
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Mother gives the BIRTHDAY BOY bowl of chips. Hand held camera follows him to the lounge-room where the Jonathan the CLOWN is performing balloon tricks

No Funny Business

By Sam Rankin

Scene 1- Kitchen
Mother gives the BIRTHDAY BOY bowl of chips. Hand held camera follows him to the lounge-room where the Jonathan the CLOWN is performing balloon tricks.

Girl

What is it?

Jonathon the Clown

It’s a pony! see, with the…tail and…

Girl

Looks like its retarded!

The few children giggle.

Jonathon the Clown

(About to break down) Well I’m trying my hardest dammit!

Kids looked shocked

Jonathan the Clown

(to himself) Ok, calm down, they want you to get angry. I need… I need something.

Zooming in on puppet lying on floor. Foreboding music in background.



Jonathon the Clown

No, I won’t do it! I can’t go back

Tension builds- Music increases, close-ups between clown and puppet.


After a while, the clown places his hand in the sock puppet. It’s similar to a madman reaching for a gun.

Jonathon the Clown

Look everybody its my friend, Tony the Tiger!
Say hi Tony!

Tony

Hi Tony!

Jonathon the Clown

Hello, Tony! So what have you been up to?

Tony

I’ve been stuck in the freakin box, that’s what!

Jonathon the Clown

(getting anxious) Heh, calm down Tony…

Tony

No I will not calm down! What is it, 3 months see I last spoke?

Jonathon the Clown

Something like that…

Tony

No its not “something”, its not “something Jonathon!”. Its been three god-damn months!

Jonathon the Clown

Allright, I’m sorry! Now please, can’t we just talk.

Tony

(Smugly) Sure, we can talk, I actually have a very amusing subject…


Jonathon the Clown

(relieved) Really? Well, what have you got for us, Tony?

Tony

Well, you remember Tasha, right? Of course you do, you cried for three weeks straight when she went to Europe. And you never found out why, did you? Did you?

Jonathon the Clown

She was living in France for two months!

Tony

You’re so naive. You know what I saw her doing when she came back?

Jonathon the Clown

No… don’t do this…

Tony

She was cheating on you! That little whore, every day when you were off at clown college she was banging away…!

Jonathon the Clown

(Breaking down) ITS NOT TRUE!! Its not true.

Tony

Look at your self. You’re pathetic. Your not a clown. Your barely even a man.

The kids stare on in awe. Clown is on the floor talking huge sobs. Suddenly his phone rings.

Jonathon the Clown

Hello? Tash! Yeah, of course. I’ll be there!
How do you like that you smug little bastard! She’s outside, now! She’s gonna beg for me back and Your going to be back in the suitcase!

AS the clown talks, he walks outside to see Tash, a woman clown, leaning on a car.

Clown

Tash! You made it… wait, who’s car is this?





Woman Clown


Jonathon… I need you to meet somebody.

Clown

What’s going on…?

Woman Clown

This is Andrew.

Out of the car steps a mime, pulling himself up on an imaginary rope.

Woman Clown

He’s French. I’m sorry you had to find out like this. You know it wasn’t working.

Jonathon the Clown starts to sob. Woman Clown pulls out a multicolored handkerchief from her pocket. And dabs his eyes.

Woman Clown

Good bye, Jonathon.

The pair leave, Andrew waving with a huge grin on his face. The car pulls out of the driveway leaving a trail of dust.

Tony

We don’t need her, do we mate? We’ve got each other!



Jonathon

(Extremely melancholy) Yes. We do.

 
The pair walk back into the house. Wacky music starts as the two enter the doorway.








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