MY MATE
by John Laing
Short Film
Email: [email protected]
Laurie and Doug yearn for the chance to make it big and get some respect, but that is not always possible if you are complete losers. However sometimes things do work out for the best, or do they. The only way they can get some respect and cash is to do an armed robbery, which is way out of their league, having failed as shoplifters and inturn as car thieves, but this job is a sure thing and will set them up in the big league.
Mate!
By John Laing
March 2005
Draft Copy
March 2005
© COPYRIGHT John Laing, 2005
28 Grevillea Road
Ashgrove Qld
Australia 4060
Ph 07 3366 5785
Mob 0409 612 058
[email protected]
Synopsis:
Laurie and Doug yearn for the chance to make it big and get some respect, but that is not always possible if you are complete losers. However sometimes things do work out for the best, or do they. The only way they can get some respect and cash is to do an armed robbery, which is way out of their league, having failed as shoplifters and inturn as car thieves, but this job is a sure thing and will set them up in the big league.
The second episode (Pub Dunny Blues) soon proves that a fool and his money are soon parted, when Doug during celebrations at the pub (about 15 minutes after the job, still with the bag of cash), finds himself locked in the Dunny with a rather large man. Who feels that he has a right to the money, as it was his brother who got caught doing the job. Either Doug is very smart or very stupid, hiding and moving from cubicle to cubicle, but it will be over his dead body before he hands over anything and that’s about right. The police bash down the door of the dunny to arrest the Brother, who is under surveillance as a drug dealer. Without knowing this DOUG starts stuffing his money down the toilet, whilst outside his cubicle the Brother is being arrested. By the time all the money is flushed down the dunny, the policeman drag the Brother out and tap on the cubicle door, “you right mate, you should be right now we’ve arrest the bloke, (passes card under door), just give us a call if you get time” and leaves. Doug is left on the Dunny.
Scene 1. INT Car. Day 1
Outside suburban shopping centre, where the effects of beautification where yet to materialise, with a drunk going through the bin behind the car.
LAURIE and DOUG are sitting in the front of a car in its original condition including the original rust and bog.
LAURIE
Ready to go Doug
DOUG
Yep ready when you are
LAURIE
I am ready to go
DOUG
Me to Mate..me to
LAURIE
Got the piece
DOUG
Yep right here
DOUG taps his jacket
LAURIE
Good mate …. Is it any good
DOUG
Shit yeah…it scare the shit out of the punters inside
LAURIE
Beauty..lets go
DOUG
I am right behind you mate
LAURIE
What, I thought you were going in first
DOUG
What me
LAURIE
Yeah you
DOUG
Why
LAURIE
Because you’ve got the bloody gun dickhead
DOUG
Awe right…lets go
LAURIE
Right after you
DOUG
Right on the count of three
LAURIE
Okay
DOUG
One …two
LAURIE
Hey Doug you got the bag
DOUG
Awe have’nt you got it
LAURIE
Awe yeah ..just checking
DOUG
Right..lets go on three again..okay
LAURIE
Righty oh mate
DOUG
One……two……..you got the note
LAURIE
Searches pockets, pulls out paper
ah yeah here it is..
DOUG
One…
LAURIE
Oh shit
DOUG
What
LAURIE
It’s the bloody shopping list
DOUG
What
LAURIE
Oh sorry mate its on the other side
DOUG
Right
LAURIE
Yep
DOUG
One…..two ………
DOUG & LAURIE
THREE!
They go to jump out of car, while drunk picks out a milk carton from bin and stamps on it..BANG. LAURIE and DOUG jump back in the car
DOUG
Christ what was that
Looking around and shaking
LAURIE
looking around from back seat
piss off…. It was only that wino getting shit out the bin
DOUG
Shit
LAURIE
What
DOUG
Ducking down
it’s the cops
LAURIE
Shit
Ducks down in back seat
Police drag drunk away after putting on rubber gloves who throws up over back of LAURIE’s car
LAURIE
Bastard
As he gets up and moves to front
LAURIE
What to you reckon
DOUG still crouched in floor of car
DOUG
What
LAURIE
they’ve gone
DOUG
Getting up
oh right mate…what you reckon…that was close a….better give it a miss today
LAURIE
Pause, looks around
Yeah I reckon your right mate…it’s a bit risky…..but I was ready to go
DOUG
Me too mate… me too
LAURIE
How about tomorrow
DOUG
Sorry I can’t….got be down at centrelink all day..otherwise they will cut me off
LAURIE
What about Thursday
DOUG
Nuh can’t make that either..gotta help the missus,,she’d kill me….how about Friday then..I can do Friday no probs
LAURIE
Sorry mate ..can’t its sport day and I promised my kid I’d go an watch.
DOUG
What about next week
LAURIE
Next weeks right out…..the missus has got me doing some painten and stuff….better if we take a rain check …what do yer reckon
DOUG
Fine with me mate…I woz ready to go but
LAURIE
Awe no two ways about it mate… you were ready to go alright…better ditch the car mate
DOUG
Awe We better not ditch it mate
LAURIE
Why not
DOUG
Its my mums car and she needs s’arvo to go to bingo
LAURIE
You dickhead..you were going to do job and use you mums car for the getaway
DOUG
Whats wrong with that
LAURIE
You’re a dickhead
DOUG
Piss off Laurie you think your so smart
LAURIE
Smarter than you dickhead
DOUG
Just because you passed woodwork you reckon your shit don’t stink
LAURIE
Not as bad as yours…DICKHEAD
Makes gestures with hand
DOUG
Get stuffed
LAURIE
Great comeback DICK..HEAD
DOUG
Piss off arsehole….you wanna walk a
LAURIE
I am not walking anywhere DICKHEAD
DOUG
F*&# off then……got five bucks
LAURIE
Whatta want five bucks for?
DOUG
Petrol money…me mum said I had to put petrol in it
LAURIE
I am not paying for petrol
DOUG
You do the crime, you do the time..pay up
LAURIE
Piss off I am not paying..no way
DOUG
Where not going anywhere until you pay
DOUG folds sit back and closes his eyes. LAURIE looks hard for a long while waying up the situation. LAURIE goes through is pockets getting out change counts it and throws down on central consul of car.
LAURIE
There’s you five bucks you tight arse.
DOUG
Thanks mate…home James
LAURIE
Yeah lets piss off outta here
DOUG tries to start the car, makes several attempts without success
LAURIE
Whats the matter Doug
DOUG
Outta petrol…………..mate
Scene 2. Ext Street. Day 2
Two men pushing a car down a street, close up of DOUG who now has a black eye, a miserable expression and a ripped shirt.
Scene 3. INT Car. Day 2
Two men sitting in a car outside a suburban shopping centre, where the effects of beautification were yet to materialise.
Laurie and Doug are sitting in the front of a car, which is in its original condition including the original rust and bog. They are waiting to make their Second attempt at a bank robbery.
LAURIE
Ready to go Dougie
DOUG
No worries mate
LAURIE
Got the gun
DOUG
Shit yeah
DOUG begins to chew harder on his gum, shows gun to LAURIE from under his jacket.
It’s a beautie
LAURIE
Shit Doug put it away….someone might see
DOUG
Bloody beauty a
DOUG rubs gun, takes a closer look and puts back under his jacket
LAURIE
Is it loaded
DOUG
Course its bloody loaded…christ Laurie I wouldn’t go in with a empty gun.
LAURIE
Well for Christ sake don’t go pointing that bloody thing near me
DOUG
Well I wasn’t going to point the bloody thing at you …was I….. you think I am a moron
LAURIE
Well now you come to mention it
DOUG
DOUG Pulls out gun and starts waving it
So think I am a moron
LAURIE
Shit Doug are you %&*@*^> crazy
DOUG
Yous called me a moron
LAURIE
LAURIE with more panic in his voice.
Shit Dougie mate.. .. I didn’t mean it …honestly…Christ
DOUG
Yous better appolgise..and quick
DOUG starts waving gun more.
LAURIE
For Christ sake Doug
DOUG
All yous got to do is appologise for calling me a moron
DOUG starts to move gun more slowly towards Laurie.
LAURIE
I apologise….is that better
DOUG
Nuh
DOUG points gun at LAURIE groin and pulls trigger, gun clicks while LAURIE trys to jump through roof.
LAURIE
*()& Doug you bastard (shaking)…you could have killed me
DOUG
It wasn’t loaded anyway
DOUG puts gun back in jacket.
LAURIE
Shit
LAURIE still shaking.
DOUG
You shouldn’t call me a moron
LAURIE
This is the last time I come on job with you mate..your mad…..next time I am getting Irish
DOUG
Awe Laurie
LAURIE
Irish’s not a crazy bugger like you…he’ll do it proper
DOUG
Awe Laurie mate..It won’t happen again
LAURIE
Bloody oath it won’t mate…your dangerous
DOUG
Awe come on mate… it won’t happen again….come on…please..please…ppplease..buddy pal mate!
LAURIE
Awe shit….. alright…….lets do this mate
DOUG
Mate
LAURIE
Mate
LAURIE & DOUG
Mate
LAURIE
Ready to go
DOUG
Shit yeah
LAURIE
Lets go
DOUG
Mate
LAURIE
Mate
THEY high five each other and put on balaclavas, THEY jump out of the car dressed in overalls and balaclavas. The street is darker and dimly lit now.
THEY jump back in car ripping of Balaclavas and panting
LAURIE
You dickhead
DOUG
It wasn’t my fault
LAURIE
You bloody dickhead
DOUG
It wasn’t my fault it woz closed
LAURIE
You and your bloody gun…wasting bloody time about calling you a moron
DOUG
You shouldn’t have called me a moron Laurie
LAURIE
Why not you are a moron…moron
DOUG Pulls out the gun from his jacket
DOUG
I told you not to call me a moron
LAURIE
Moron Moron Moron
Cars start shaking as two men struggle…BANG the gun goes off through roof, hits a street light shatters over car…pause, the car trys to start several times.Two men jump out and run down deserted dimly lit street.
Scene 3. INT Car. Day 3
Two men are again sitting in a car outside a suburban shopping centre, where the effects of beautification were yet to materialise.
Laurie and Doug are sitting in the front of a car, which now has a dodgy attempt at a sunroof. They are waiting to make their Third attempt at robbing the same Bank. This time they decided to have a couple of calming ales, Doug has brought a few along in case they need further calming.
LAURIE
Ready to go mate
DOUG is taking a swig from a stubby and trying to hide it.
DOUG
Yeah almost
LAURIE
Wadda yer mean almost….either you are or you aren’t..stop buggering around.
DOUG
Sorry mate but I am not wasting a good stubbie
LAURIE
Did you bring more beer
DOUG
Shit yeah.
Holds up a six pack
Just to help calm the nerves a bit
LAURIE
I hope you not to pissed to do the job
DOUG
Course not ….. I’ve only had the 3 at your place
LAURIE
That’s okay
DOUG
And the 4 at my mums when I went to pick up the car.. you can’t just rock up without havin a drink mate.
LAURIE
That’s right mate, but you ..
DOUG
And yeah there where the half dozen I had at my place before that.
LAURIE
You Dickhead…why did you drink all that beer mate
DOUG
I didn’t
LAURIE
Bullshit, you just told me
DOUG
Nah it wasn’t just beer….the half dozen cans where rum and cokes.
LAURIE
Shit why did you drink rum in the morning?
DOUG
Simple, I’d drunk all the Burbon last night.
LAURIE
Why?
DOUG
Just to relax mate
LAURIE
You’ll be nice and relaxed now!
LAURIE makes a loser sign while DOUG is not looking
DOUG
Well I needed to get nice and relaxed mate
LAURIE
How bloody relaxed do you need to be
DOUG
This is a big job mate, a lots riding on it
LAURIE
To right there was ….. christ mate we can’t go in there now
DOUG
Why not
DOUG pulls out gun and starts waving it about whilst trying open another can of beer.
LAURIE
SHIT! Mate put that down
DOUG Continues to wave the gun, some of beer sprays in LAURIE face when its opens
LAURIE
You dickhead
DOUG
Sorry mate
LAURIE
Sorry? Sorry…..shit… another job down the drain
DOUG
That’s you problem Laurie your to tense
LAURIE
Tense ..Cause I’m bloody tense, my dickhead mate gets pissed before doing a job
DOUG
She’ll be right mate I can do it
LAURIE
Oh great not only will you end up shooting someone, you’ll get done for D and D during the getaway….IF you don’t stack the car first.
DOUG
Sorry mate
DOUG open another beer and passes to LAURIE
Here get this into yer
LAURIE pauses and accepts the beer if you cant beat em join em
LAURIE
Thanks mate… try again next week
DOUG
Shit yer
DOUG and LAURIE are sitting the car drinking there beer staring out of the car
A late model car pulls up in front of them, coming past at great speed, two men get out pulling down stockings over their heads. One man is holding a gun the other a large bag, they run quickly into the bank
DOUG and LAURIE open another beer and continue to watch the action in silence
A gun shot rings out from the distance and an alarm goes off, the volume of the siren overtakes the scene.
Shortly the two men run out of the bank one with what looks like a full bag.
As the two men get into the car a police car hurtles past and stops the getaway car from getting away. The men involved in the robbery flee the car and past DOUG and LAURIE’s car, the police are in pursuit.
DOUG looks and LAURIE
LAURIE
Shit mate lets piss off
DOUG
Just a minute mate
LAURIE
What the ?
DOUG jumps out of the car, struggles to put on this mask, falls, gets up and staggers to the getaway car. Eventually he returns carry a bag and gets back into the drivers.
DOUG
Waste not want not
LAURIE
Shit Doug lets get out of here
DOUG
Cool down mate… no one will notice
LAURIE
Look in the mirror
DOUG looks in mirror sees he has the mask on, pulls off and starts car. People are starting to appear from hiding in the surrounding area the see what is happening.
The car takes a while to start, eventually the car starts and moves away from the scene in a jerky fashion, letting of a loud bang from the exhaust on the way down the street, any people around duck for cover and LAURIE tries to hide.
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© COPYRIGHT John Laing, 2005