LORD OF THE PANTS
by Sarah, Rachel and Adam Bentvelzen
Short Film
Email: pancakes_on_broadway@hotmail.com
Lord of the Pants is basically a parody of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It is an hilarious comedy, full of unexpected twists, and the characters are pretty insane too... I invite you to take a journey through a Bentvelzen original. Lord of the Pants was performed at Windsor High School in 2005.
LORD OF THE PANTS:
THE QUEST FOR THE
PANTS OF POWER
ACT 1
SCENE 1 – THE PANTS OF POWER
The Pants of Power are placed US before audience enters. Play Lord of the Rings ‘concerning hobbits’, followed by Lord of the Rings ‘the black rider’, as audience enters. Lights dim. NARRATOR enters, addressing the audience.
NARRATOR Welcome menfolk, womenfolk and children-folk from the Realm of Windsor. Though some of you may be orcs, elves, dwarves or trolls – if you are the latter, that would explain the smell (I’m talking about you, buddy) - the tale I am to tell you is of great importance. This tale is about 49 hours long in its full form, but we have cut it down substantially to less than 2 so that your short attention spans can cope…
Alright here we go…in the world of Schmiddle-Earth dark shadows were stirring…uh that’s another thing, we need to rechange the names of most of the places in our tale because of the “evils” of copyright. We may receive a black curse from the dark lawyers of the Tolkein family….so, in the world of Schmiddle-Earth -not ‘Middle-Earth’- dark shadows were stirring. This darkness was conceived in (short pause) Memordor by the Dark Lord (another short pause) Sourpuss and was spreading to the hearts of all men. A dire object, made its way into the hands of a human weak and uncomprehending of its twisted black power.
This object has brought unspeakable evil to good men, and is capable of destroying all that is proper and true. (Loud, deep) This vile object is…(Less enthused. Softer, normal voice) …a pair of pants. (Spotlight on the Pants of Power, hanging on a rack behind NARRATOR)
(Brighter) Not just any pair. These were the Pants of Power! No pair like it had ever been seen, or ever will be seen again. Despite their unbelievable, unspeakable evil beat from a fashion design point of view- they were quite simply beat fabulous, the height of fashion, the epitome of taste! A dark tailor originally made them in a dark corner in a dark David Jones department store in the dark land of Memordor. The wearer of these pants would attract the attention of minions of the Dark Lord, meaning you would be hunted by his fiends until they removed the pants from your dead body. (NARRATOR gives weird look)
They also had the power to make your butt look smaller! These are the pants that have killed thousands, corrupted the purest of souls, and enslaved good men for eons. But there is one in Schmiddle-Earth, from a place called The The Shire, that has the ability to wear them righteously, to resist its dark power and free the world of evil.
NARRATOR ends speech with voice getting really crackly and high pitched, just keeps going, getting higher pitched.
But where could these pants of power beeeeeeeee?
(NARRATOR exits, lights down)
SCENE 2 – ORIGIN OF THE PANTS
Lights up. A clothing rack is U.S.C. with many pants, shirts, etc.
VOICE (Nasal voice) Welcome to David Jones Memordor. After Christmas sale, 75% off all clothing, including pants, yes that’s right, pants! Please people don’t rush, please, no biting.
PALLAGA and DR SCHMOOPY enter, running from opposite sides of the room, in slow motion. Dramatic music played, Nick Skitz ‘Excalibur’ (35s onwards). The Pants of Power are on one of the clothing racks. PALLAGA and DR SCHMOOPY grab wildly at the rack, throwing clothes away, looking hard, all in slow motion. DR SCHMOOPY finally grabs the Pants of Power, walks away from the rack, holds them up triumphantly. Music stops.
SCHMOOPY Yes, yes, YES!!! The Pants of Power are finally mine!! (Evil, weird laughter. Caresses, kisses pants) My precious!! MY PRECIOUS!!! I will never let you go!! (More evil laughter).
PALLAGA sneaks behind DR SCHMOOPY and grabs pants from him. DR SCHMOOPY is in shock.
PALLAGA Yoink! Wow these pants look very sexy! (Walks away from DR SCHMOOPY, inspects pants) What an original style! They’re so untrendy, and yet I cannot keep my eyes off them! Oh and it says (Gay, girlish voice) ‘power’ on the booty, (Normal) Hey you could almost call these ‘the pants of power!!! (Excessive laughter).
DR SCHMOOPY keeps trying to grab them from PALLAGA, but PALLAGA moves out of his way in the nick of time each time, oblivious to his attempts.
Lucky for me this is the last pair. (Walking off stage) Nay, the ONLY pair ever made. (Stops. Whispers) I am assuming of course…(Walks a little further then stops. To DR SCHMOOPY as though to annoy him)….and there will never, ever, ever be another pair quite like it!
DR SCHMOOPY curses in despair.
Never, ever, ever….!
Medium pause.
EVER!
PALLAGA dances offstage, twirling the pants around in glee and laughing. DR SCHMOOPY is devastated.
SCHMOOPY NNNOOOOO!! I was so close, and that dunderhead took them from me! Oh he will pay! They will all pay, my precious! I will follow him and slit his thoat in his sleep! And when I am finally wearing the pants of power they will obey ME, and my grand vision of Schmiddle-Earth fools being controlled by fashion will come to pass! For I am Dr Schmoopy, MD, and the Pants of Power will be mine! (Evil laughter. Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’ briefly).
DR SCHMOOPY exits. Lights down.
SCENE 3 – SECRET MEETING
Lights dim. NARRATOR enters, standing in corner. There are chairs.
NARRATOR So it begins. The Pants of Power have been rediscovered by an unsuspecting young man, who takes them to his home in beat The The Shire. An ancient and powerful wizard hears of this.
Enter GRANDELF who hears the NARRATOR and follows him hence. Enter PALLAGA, who is followed by GRANDELF into his home. They sit.
PALLAGA It’s so good to see you again after all this time, Gandalf!
GRANDELF (Harsh whispering) Quiet, you fool! My name is Grandelf, not Gandalf, people will hear you! And you’ve known me for 15 years, you should know my name by now, Frodo…..[Looks around at the audience anxiously] ah…um…oh I mean Pallaga!
PALLAGA Sorry, ..Grandelf! Can I call you… ‘Gandy’?
GRANDELF Hrrm, well I suppose that would be alright.
PALLAGA What about beat ‘Dalfy’?
GRANDELF Stop that! Don’t make me punch you again!
PALLAGA Sorry.
GRANDELF Now, I know that you have stumbled upon an ancient relic, it’s important that you maintain utmost secrecy-
PALLAGA (Interrupting, very loudly) Really, you know about the Pants of Power?!
GRANDELF (Shoves hand on PALLAGA’s mouth roughly) Silence! Is it secret? Is it safe? You haven’t told anyone about it have you? (Removes hand).
PALLAGA Oh, yeah secret pants of power, with destructive powers that will twist your soul into evil, Beat yeah I think I heard about that somewhere….(Gasps, afraid) are MY pants …THOSE pants?
GRANDELF (Solemnly) Maybe. They could be those.
PALLAGA Okay, well that’s cool because I’ve hidden them well. (Grabs the pants from under his seat, they are wrapped in plastic) I just got them dry cleaned actually!
GRANDELF (Shocked) What?!?
PALLAGA Don’t worry I told the drycleaner they’re the pants of power, totally top secret, and they need to be taken special care of, and that you can’t tell anyone about them. See, they have ‘new pants smell’. (Hands them to GRANDELF to smell).
GRANDELF (Groans in frustration) Give them to me! I need to see if there’s writing on them. (Gives them to PALLAGA) Is there writing on it?
PALLAGA Oh yeah, its in elvish…its on the tag, I’ll read it: ‘Womens Size 14, Made in Memordor, Dry Clean Only, May Cause Horrendous Evil or Itching, One Pair of Pants to Bind Them All, There’s No Other Store Like David Jones’ oh and it says the word ‘power’ in big fluoro cartoon writing on the booty (Shows GRANDELF).
GRANDELF (Shrewdly) Ah ha! You are a quick fellow…you must flee this town! Tell no one. Do not travel with anyone. The Pants of Power can only be destroyed at the place they were made, at the David Jones in Memordor – you must take them there to be unmade! Promise me you’ll keep this to yourself?
PALLAGA (Cheerful) Sure thing Grandelf, you have nothing to worry about! The secret’s safe with me!
Lights fade to black.
SCENE 4 – THE PARTY
Party scene. Play music, FF9 ‘Alexandrian nightmare’. PALLAGA, GIMLI, PIKI, and DR SCHMOOPY are present, along with some other partiers. Everyone is either dancing or in drunken conversation. PALLAGA is standing from a height – on a crate- and calling out very loudly to passers-by. He is quite drunk and slurring, but merry.
PALLAGA Hey everybody! Come to the party everyone has heard about, my farewell party! Everyone in Schmiddle-Earth is invited! Thank you all for coming! Ha-ha-ha! (Losing his balance a bit).
SCHMOOPY (Dancing) Wow! What a great party! I’m so glad I was invited. It’s just the kind of thing to keep my mind off losing the Pants of Power so very recently. (Looks up at PALLAGA) Hmm that guy looks familiar. [pause] I wonder where I’ve seen him?
PALLAGA gets down from his high perch, approaches PIKI, who is smiling and making funny noises while she dances.
PALLAGA (To PIKI) Hey I got a good one, “you lost your number, can I have mine?”
PIKI (Confused) Uhh?
PALLAGA Err….hey there, wanna hear a little secret?
PIKI Uh okay! Tee-hee-hee!
PALLAGA (Speaks quite loudly, but cups hand as though whispering) I’m on a top secret quest to Memordor to destroy an ancient evil relic called the Pants of Power. I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but as long as you don’t tell anyone else, the secret should be safe. I actually have the pants right here! (Takes them out to show PIKI).
PIKI (Taken aback by the garishness of the pants) What an unusual style! They…uh…. suit the rest of your clothes. Why don’t you put them on for me?
PALLAGA I’m not really supposed to as they cause unbelievable evil, (PIKI smiles at him) ….ooh…but for a girl I just met, I’ll do anything!
PIKI Hooray! Hee-hee-hee!
PIKI takes pants from PALLAGA and he doesn’t notice.
PALLAGA Hey would you like to join me on my journey to destroy the pants?
PIKI Well I do have the Schmiddle-Earth school certificate coming up, but what the heck, this sounds like fun! Oh I think you dropped these, here you go (Hands back the pants to PALLAGA).
PALLAGA Hey thanks.
SCHMOOPY (Watching PALLAGA and PIKI from a distance) It’s really bugging me, who is that guy? Wait! (As though realizing something) Those pants he was holding! (Medium pause) They were really cool.
GIMLI goes to stand on crate, gives exaggerated drunken “sshh”s to everyone, unsteady on his feet. PIKI meanwhile seems to be picking the pockets of everyone.
GIMLI Hey there friends, I would just like to give thanks to my buddy Pallaga for inviting us to his farewell party. Lets all give a toast to Pallaga, who has invited me on a secret quest to destroy the Pants of Power in Memordor.
Everyone toasts, shouting ‘to PALLAGA’.
My name is Gimli, Son of Groin, and-
PALLAGA (Interrupting GIMLI) Did I invite you to come with me?
GIMLI (Goes over to PALLAGA, giving him a friendly hug) Don’t you remember, about 30 seconds ago you said to me (Imitating PALLAGA’s drunkenness) “Hey Mr. Dwarf-man how would you like to join me on a wonderful journey of a lifetime to Memordor to destroy the Pants of Power?” and I said (Imitating own drunkenness) “Sure buddy, I mean, we’ve only just met and I’ve got nothing on tomorrow, why don’t we shake on it?” And we did. (Shake’s PALLAGA’s hand).
PALLAGA Oh, okay I don’t remember that…but if someone I’ve only just met says I did, then, well clearly it must’ve happened.
SCHMOOPY (Aside, gasps) The Pants of Power!! My precious!! “Pallaga”! That’s the thieving scum that took them from me at DJs! I vow revenge! But first I’d better wait until I have a better opportunity to get them…. (Hides in the audience somewhere).
PALLAGA Now everyone, let’s all play a new party game I just invented. Its called…”Pass the Pants of Power”! We have to get in a big circle, and when the music stops, if you have the pants of power, you get to hold them and look at them, until the music starts again! Oh, its going to be so much fun. (Aside, slightly thoughtful) Hmm maybe I should be more careful, I mean, what would Grandy say about this game?
Play ‘dream sequence’ music – FF9 ‘crystal world’. Coloured lighting. All freeze except PALLAGA. GRANDELF enters as a dream character.
GRANDELF Play the damn game, Pallaga, just forget all that stuff I said about secrecy, just have a good time. (Pause) And talk to that Piki girl, (Suggestive tone) I know you like her! (Winks and nudges PALLAGA)
PALLAGA Thanks dream sequence Grandelf! Is there anything else that you’d like to say?
GRANDELF (Suddenly very stern) There is one more thing. (Pause. Gets staff out and starts dancing crazily) Da da da da la la la!
PALLAGA Oh you’ve been so much help. Thankyou so much dream sequence Grandelf! You’re so much more fun than the real one.
GRANDELF does cheesy ‘Fonz’ ‘eeey’ gesture, raises thumbs, then leaves. Music stops. Remove coloured lighting. Everyone unfreezes.
SCHMOOPY ‘Pass the Pants of Power’? This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. Now to convince that fool, Pallaga to let me play!
PALLAGA (To SCHMOOPY) Hey buddy come over here and play, don’t be left out. Come on! Come on, hurry!
DR SCHMOOPY runs over in glee. Everyone starts forming a circle. Music starts – Royal Teens ‘short shorts’. PALLAGA holds the pants up with ceremony before the game begins.
PALLAGA [Points at the pants] The Pants of Power!
DR SCHMOOPY is very eager as the pants come his way he shakes with anticipation. The pants arrive at him and he tries to delay passing them, but the others urge him on and he passes them reluctantly. The music stops and they arrive at GIMLI.
GIMLI (In awe, studying the pants) Whoah! They really do have new pants smell, Pallaga.
Music begins again. They music stops and they arrive at DR SCHMOOPY.
SCHMOOPY Yes, yes, yes! My precious pants! Oh I will never let you go again! Kisses pants).
The music starts again.
PALLAGA Hey, friend, you have to pass the pants of power when the music starts!
SCHMOOPY Oh sorry, here you go (Passes them absentmindedly to the next
person. Realises mistake) Nooooooo!
SCHMOOPY runs offstage, crying.
PALLAGA Wait, you can only leave when you’re eliminated! This is not duck-duck-goose!
The others don’t seem to notice and keep playing for a while. Eventually PALLAGA stops the game.
Oh wow wasn’t that a great game!
(Standing up high, addressing all)
Now I’d like to introduce who I call, ‘The Top Secret Heroes of Schmiddle-Earth’, with a special presentation. Here are the people who are going to save the world from evil!
Cheering from partiers.
(To person controlling sound) Hit it, DJ!
The DJ starts playing 2Unlimited ‘Ready For This’.
(Big, dramatic voice) The first of the heroes…ME!
PALLAGA puts on the Pants of Power with great showmanship then dances to the music, really into it, for about 15 seconds. Crowd cheers. Takes off the pants and swings them around. SCHMOOPY re-enters scene, hiding from PALLAGA but in view of the audience.
Woo! My name is Pallaga! I’m young, I’m good looking and my dream is to become a model…a male model! And if I was ever trapped on an island and could only take one thing, it’d be my mirror! Woo!
SCHMOOPY (While PALLAGA dances) Grrrr! I could be wiggling my ass in those pants right now. Oh he’s creasing them up awfully. No respect for an unspeakably powerful ancient piece of clothing.
Music stops.
PALLAGA Now hero number two beat Gimli, Son of Groin!!
GIMLI dances to the music, struggling with drunkenness. The crowd is wild.
GIMLI I am Gimli, son of (Very angrily, posing like a New Zealander doing the ‘haka’) Groin! I’m a dwarf, I’m tough, I’m gruff, and my favourite part of my body is my (Very angrily) Groin! And if I was trapped on an island and could only take one thing, it would be … my Beat ironing board! (Nodding suggestively, licking his lips) Ohhhh, yeah!
PALLAGA Thanks, Gimli!
GIMLI goes off to the side.
Now for our third hero, Piki!
PIKI dances to music, is not drunk.
PIKI Hi! (Giggles) I am Piki. I’m a Pixie! (Giggles in a very high pitch). I’m 15, I like to sing, and if I was stranded on an island and could take only one thing, I would take my mobile phone and a big empty package so I could mail myself home!
PIKI goes off to the side
PALLAGA [Speaking like a fashion designer] Piki, you are a gem! Now the fourth Top Secret Hero is…uh…I don’t know…I guess…the next person who walks up to me! Haha!
At that moment GRANDELF enters. He looks around, puzzled, then sees PALLAGA wiggling his butt wearing the Pants of Power and becomes enraged.
GRANDELF PALLAGA!!!!
PALLAGA And our next hero is… (Pointing to GRANDELF)…. Dalfy!
Music plays Star Wars – ‘the Imperial March’. GRANDELF approaches PALLAGA. Music stops)
GRANDELF The name is ‘Grandelf’! (Pause. Looks at pants) I told you to keep it secret, now all of Schmiddle-Earth knows, you mindless, moronic…
Suddenly GRANDELF lunges towards PALLAGA, starts punching him in a fit of rage.
You told! You told! Why don’t you ever listen to me!
Eventually GRANDELF drags PALLAGA away.
(Referring to PIKI and GIMLI, heavy sarcasm) Come on ‘heroes’ lets get out of here.
GIMLI and PIKI glumly stumble towards GRANDELF to follow.
(To the remaining partiers) Parties over, fools! I just hope you’re so drunk you forget everything you heard tonight! (Sighs).
GRANDELF leaves with PALLAGA, GIMLI and PIKI. Those remaining gradually disperse.
SCHMOOPY (In outrage) That wizard wants my precious too?! (Determined) Well….wherever they go, whatever they do, I’m going to be watching and waiting, and when they’re all content and comfortable with my precious…(suddenly) I will strangle them in their sleep! And when I get my precious, I will control them all, and Schmiddle-Earth will be mine, …..as I may have mentioned earlier…. Mwahahahahaaaaa!
Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’ briefly. DR SCHMOOPY creeps offstage. Lights down. Play FF9 ‘sleepless city treno.
SCENE 5 – FORMATION OF THE FELLOWSHIP
Lights up. The next day. GRANDELF leads PALLAGA, GIMLI and PIKI. PALLAGA and GIMLI have terrible hangovers. PIKI looks around excitedly. Music stops after they enter.
GRANDELF (Muttering to himself, angry) I’ve never met such irresponsible sons of- (claps hands, obscuring his next words) Pay attention, (sarcastic) ‘Top Secret Heroes of Schmiddle-Earth’, you need to listen to me carefully.
GIMLI and PALLAGA are hungover, they cringe and groan when GRANDELF claps.
This is a disaster! Not only did you tell many people about the pants, but you allowed these two to join your quest to destroy them, and you can’t even remember who they are because you’re hung over, you twit! (Smacks PALLAGA on the head). Now I’m going to have to stay with you to make sure the pants are protected, to make sure nobody plays [biting tone] ‘pass the Pants of Power’ again-
PALLAGA (Interrupts) But you said I could!
GRANDELF (Exasperated) Oh that was obviously just another of your ‘dream sequences’! ....As I was saying, to make sure nobody does anything stupid to destroy all of mankind.
GIMLI Well if the pants of power are so valuable, why don’t you take them to be destroyed?
GRANDELF (Looking to the sky) Because something happened at that after-christmas David Jones sale. I believe it was Pallaga’s destiny to receive those Pants. Out of all those bargain-crazed shoppers, why was it Pallaga that ended up with them? There is a hidden pattern to all events, and the relation of good to evil is not always a simple one. You have woken the Pants from their rest, and in return, I believe the pants are destined to stir you into becoming someone far different than a mere fellow of The The Shire.
(Sits and contemplates) There must be some personal attribute of Pallaga that is stunting the dire influence of the pants on his being…
PALLAGA Could it be that I’m good-hearted?
GRANDELF (Thinks for a while) No, no, it’s not that…
PALLAGA Innocent and pure?
GRANDELF (Thinking more) No, I don’t think so…
(PIKI grabs the pants from PALLAGA and none of the others notice)
PALLAGA Oh! It must be because I’m beat good looking? (Smiles, brushes hair with hand).
GRANDELF Definitely not! No, I think the answer is that Pallaga is-
PALLAGA (Interrupts) Kind? Caring? Good looking?
GRANDELF Stupid! (Pauses) No, that’s it! Pallaga here (puts hand on PALLAGA’s shoulder patronisingly) is so unintelligent, so dim-witted, so ridiculously dim-witted and slow that the pants do not affect him, and hopefully will not affect him in the future!
PALLAGA (Hurt) You don’t have to rub it in…
PIKI Oh poor Pallaga! (Hugs PALLAGA to comfort him).
GRANDELF But this is a good thing, I’ll explain it to you this way, Pallaga. The stupidity in your brain acts like a shield (Surrounding PALLAGA’s head with his hands) that blocks out all the evil from the pants. So we must do whatever we can to keep the pants with Pallaga, and away from everyone else, that includes myself, Gimli and Piki. We may just be able to travel all the way to Memordor safely. It is vitally important- (Notices PIKI with the pants, is enraged)
PIKI Oh sorry, Grandad, I mean Grandelf, I think Pallaga must have dropped these.
PALLAGA grabs the pants back, surprised.
GRANDELF The pants must stay with Pallaga! (Shakes PIKI, who squeaks).
PALLAGA (Looks in pockets, worried) Hey where’s my portable mirror! Oh no where is it?
PIKI Oh here it is! You must have lost it! It’s a good thing I found it, you should really be more careful with your things, Pallaga. Here you go. (Hands it back).
PALLAGA Oh thank goodness! (Looks in the mirror lovingly, then puts it away)
GIMLI Ahh that reminds me of the time I was reunited with my dustpan. (A little suggestively, excited) Oh what a night that was!
Pause- about 3s.
GRANDELF (Sighs heavily, holds head in hands) This is going to be a long journey. We must head off immediately for The Oracle, who can give us advice and predictions of the future that may help ease our journey. We must be fast.
PIKI and GIMLI walk offstage. As he walks off, PALLAGA is heard saying, “so I’m stupid, great! At least I’m good looking….”, then he starts playing with his hands. GRANDELF waits briefly onstage.
GRANDELF So this is the Fellowship of the Pants - an unlikely group… a dwarf, a pixie, a wizard, and-
GRANDELF looks at PALLAGA doing hand-puppets. PALLAGA is unaware he’s being watched.
a fool!
GRANDELF pushes PALLAGA offstage. Start playing FF9 ‘Alexandria’. Lights fade to black.
SCENE 6 – THE ORACLE
The party enters the room slowly. Music still playing. They are very tired and slowly climb the seats of the drama room as though they are stairs. ‘The Oracle’, Y-Y-Y-Y-YODA (YODA), is sitting cross-legged at the top, looking calmly and peacefully at them as the party arrive. He is reading a ‘Star Wars’ book.
PALLAGA (Counting the steps while climbing) Forty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine.
PIKI Fifty thousand.
GIMLI Fifty thousand and one.
GRANDELF (Irritated) Stop counting the steps!
PALLAGA Um….uh…..er…..Oh now you’ve made us lose count, Gandy! We’re going to have to go all the way back to the bottom and start again. (Music stops)
GRANDELF Grrrr! (To YODA in respectful, formal tones, bowing) Greetings venerable and wise Oracle of Omankdor, Master of the Mikklewakkamekka, Husband of Betty Chan, also known as Y-Y-Y-Y-YODA-
PALLAGA (Interrupting) Don’t you mean, ‘Yoda’, like on Star Wa-
Y-Y-Y-YODA hides ‘Star Wars’ book behind back, hoping no-one noticed he was reading it.
GRANDELF (Interrupting, harsh whisper to PALLAGA) No, its ‘Y-Y-Y-YODA’.
PALLAGA ‘Y-Y-Y-YODA’?
GRANDELF Yes, ‘Y-Y-Y-YODA’.
YODA Sorry for mistake I am. (Gesturing to PALLAGA, PIKI, and GIMLI) Heroes of Powerful the Pants, these must be. Welcome to you I extend happily with, Grandelf.
GIMLI I don’t think he speaks our language.
GRANDELF We come for travel advice, Y-Y-Y-YODA, of tidings of events beyond, and wish to know of future dangers to our Fellowship. What do your powers of foresight teach you in these grim times?
YODA concentrates hard, closing eyes the whole time he speaks, humming occasionally.
YODA Journey your on Memordor to, pass through need will you many magic items. These items magic pieces of clothing are they.
PIKI gets out a pad and pen, ready to jot down notes. She pulls a face, daunted by the task of making sense of YODA’s speech.
Piece first is Suit of Seduction the in Swamp of Sorrow.
Clothing item need you will next is Bra of Bravado the from Forest of Fear on the Mountains of Madness-
PIKI (Interrupting) Whoah! Slow down there. Could you repeat that last bit, Y-Y-Y-YODA?
YODA Sorry am I repeat cannot I! Mmmmm! (Continuing) From there must you wear clothing all pieces so far to Gates of Moria-a pass! From there see you I crossing Plains of Pain, the Estuary of Encephalitis, the Canyon of Cannibalism, passing before the Quagmire of Quacking Ducks onto Memordor.
PIKI Quacking ducks, that doesn’t sound too bad, all those other places sound horrible though.
YODA Ducks quacking of which I speak dangerous very are they, skin your eat they will before eyes peck out.
PIKI, GIMLI and PALLAGA shiver in disgust.
They sure cute are though. Items clothing also need you will are Loincloth of Loyalty, Scarf of Sophistication, Mask of Motivation and. Know not I though location found these items where. Need them you will to Gates of Memordor enter the.
PALLAGA (Whispering to PIKI, very exasperated) He’s just getting harder and harder to understand!
PIKI giggles.
GRANDELF (Bowing) Thank you, ever so much, oh great Y-Y-Y-YODA, Oracle of Omankdor! Your help is invaluable to us on this ever-so-important quest. We all are in immense gratitude. (Bows, pokes the others) C’mon, bow with me like I told you!
They all reluctantly, uneasily bow with GRANDELF
PIKI I took notes, but it sure is going to be hard to understand- so its…(recites very quickly) the Swamp of Sorrow with the Suit of Seduction, the Bra of Bravado in the Forest of Fear, then Moria-a, the Plains of Pain, Estuary of Encephalitis, Canyon of Cannibalism, Quagmire of Quacking Ducks, and we also need the Loincloth of Loyalty, Scarf of Sophistication, Mask of Motivation to enter Memordor…
YODA (Interrupts) To make all my sayings to you much easier to understand beat is map I give you will mmmmm!
YODA uncovers map in the middle of the room. The map is very clear and details all the places he mentioned, including a line marking the route they should take. There is a marker for the heroes’ location- it is a little moveable cartoon drawing of PALLAGA’s head. The fellowship all groan.
GIMLI Why didn’t you just give us the map in the first place, and save us all that mumbo-jumbo?
YODA Paid by the hour, am I. Talking longer takes, more pay for me, hmmm!
More groaning from the fellowship.
One more warning have I for you – fiends many will life hard make for you on journey your. One meet will be friend pretend, but wishes only pants for selves, evil are they. Trapped you be cave in may. And pixies (Looks at PIKI) of the woodland annoying very are they, waste your time they will!
PIKI Hey! I’m more cute than annoying!
PALLAGA Speaking of annoying, why do you talk like that all the time? I’m sorry I’m just wondering do you have a speech impediment like dyslexia?
YODA Dyslexia not have I.
PALLAGA Well is it brain damage?
YODA Not it is. Talk like that I just do, problem with it you may have?
(Heroes are perplexed as YODA goes on and on, he shakes his head unusually as he speaks) Began it in puddle monkey when trumpets delivered pancakes from yonder moon… goats and donuts nothing to do with it had, (shrieking the occasional word) purple! That’s why the cows rebelled, when yoghurt conversed it all made sense! Shoes away, taste my cd burner under the weather, landmark!
GRANDELF (To the party) Stand back! That is the tongue of Memordor – he is possessed by the Dark One!
(Holds out staff in front of him in an aggressive pose, shouting)
Lord Sourpuss, begone from Y-Y-YODA, cease your vile influence!
(Flashing lights, points staff at YODA and he thrashes in struggle, uttering incomprehensible gibberish).
My staff doesn’t seem to be working – there’s only one thing I can do...
(Starts punching YODA on the ground)
YODA (As he’s being punched) Me help, me help! Pain I am in!
GRANDELF Begone evil one, stop making him talk backwards!
Rest of the heroes are surprised, urge him to stop.
YODA Please stop punching me, please stop it!
GRANDELF finally ceases and stands up.
YODA (Gets off the ground) The evil is gone from my head, I can speak normally now! Thank you Grandelf! I can start dating again!
(KEEP THIS??) GRANDELF You’re not getting off that easy – (Starts punching him again) this is for The Phantom Menace! And this is for Attack of the Clones!! And that new one which isn’t out yet! They all stink!!
Stops punching. Come on, kids, lets go.
Rest of the heroes follow after GRANDELF, leaving the scene, and take the map.
Lights dim. Start playing FF9 ‘fossil roo’.
SCENE 7 – THE SWAMP OF SORROW
Lights up. Heroes enter from the opposite door they exited from last scene. Music is still playing. Stepping carefully as though avoiding puddles.
GRANDELF We must reach the Swamp of Sorrow before dark, as the dark creatures stir then. This area is one of the most complex and confusing stretches of land in all of Schmiddle-Earth, so be careful where you step. Somewhere in this swamp we must find the Suit of Seduction. I hate to admit it, but I think we are going to have to search high and low all over this place for-
TROLL entering interrupts GRANDELF. He is just walking casually, freezes when he sees the party.
TROLL (Defensive. Gasps) I’ll never tell you where the Suit of Seduction is!
GIMLI He knows where the Suit of Seduction is. Get him!
TROLL Oh oh!
The heroes all chase TROLL around the room. Music FF9 ‘fossil roo’ stops. The theme from ‘ The Benny Hill Show’ is played as they all run around very silly, missing opportunities to catch TROLL, bumping into each other, going out of doors, past each other without realising. Finally they grab him in a corner. Music stops.
GIMLI Spill it, where is the Suit of Seduction?
TROLL (Quickly.) Okay, I’ll talk. (Pause) You will find the suit exactly 5.3 miles from my exact location, travelling at a true bearing of 169 degrees. It is hanging by a coat hanger on a small tree.
PIKI Wow, what precise directions. How come you told us so easily, and how come you haven’t taken this suit for yourself?
TROLL The answer to the second question is that it is guarded beat by a fearsome creature! You cannot be fooled by its appearance. The beast looks harmless at first, but is actually much larger, and much more dangerous than it seems!
GRANDELF I think I know of the creature of which you speak (Pause. Pronounced with a heavy ‘German’ accent) Nasggallawoolunk!
PALLAGA gasps at the scary-sounding name.
Dark denizen of the bog pits!
PIKI (Groans) Everything we meet is (Imitating GRANDELF) dark!
PALLAGA (Realising) Yeah! Why can’t we meet the …um…ah…..‘harmless, beautiful bikini models’ for once?
GRANDELF We will be meeting creatures like those soon enough in the Forest of Fear-
Interrupting, PALLAGA celebrates.
But for now, be silent, we have work to do! (To TROLL) So, why did you tell us so willingly?
TROLL (Acts shy, pauses.) Well the truth is, sir…I…. I just wanted to talk to somebody. I’m actually quite lonely here in the swamp…(Buries face in hands).
GRANDELF Grrrr! I’m sorry, troll, we don’t have time for this. (To Heroes) Come on let’s go.
Exit.
SCENE 8 – THE SUIT OF SEDUCTION
Heroes enter from the opposite door they exited from last scene. Lights up. Heroes are creeping quietly.
GRANDELF OK, I think we are very close to the creature now. Keep absolutely silent.
Lights dim. Spotlight on USC as a small toy duck is dragged by string slowly across the back of the stage. Also at the back is a coat hanger with the Suit of Seduction on it.
There it is beat Nasggallawoolunk! Stay back!
PIKI Oh, it’s a cute little duck! Here ducky, ducky, ducky! (Makes kissing sounds).
PALLAGA Hey I have some bread for it. (Makes quacking sounds, encouraging it. Shakes bread.
GIMLI has his eyes glued to the suit, enraptured.
GIMLI My rock, isn’t that a handsome suit. I have to wear it. (Strange dull tone, as though brainwashed)
SCHMOOPY enters and crawls in the corner of the room, watching the action, apparently waiting. The heroes do not notice, but he is in view of the audience.
GRANDELF You fools! Don’t encourage it to approach! You will only enrage it! Don’t you remember what the troll said only a few minutes ago? It’s much larger than it looks, and many times more dangerous!
TROLL from previous scene comes in and squeezes the duck to make it make a quacking sound, pushes the duck a little closer to the heroes, then TROLL leaves. Lights go dark suddenly, short pause, strobe lights. TROLL re-enters to throw the duck at PALLAGA. Play FF9 ‘alexandrian nightmare’. GRANDELF is desperate, holds his arms out in front of the others protectively, then slams staff into the ground
You shall not pass! You shall not pass!
PALLAGA (Grabs his head in anguish). ……Aargh! My head is flashing! It’s in my mind (Falls to the floor, writhing, mouth agape. Screams).
PIKI Do something, Grandelf, it’s killing Pallaga!
GRANDELF (Waves his hands and chants for a while) Its not working! It is blocking me somehow, it is far more powerful than I had imagined. Quick, the pants, get the pants, and put them on him.
As a group the heroes somehow get the pants of power out of PALLAGA’s pocket while he writhes, then put his legs into them until they are on completely. When they are attached completely, PALLAGA stops thrashing, stands up, unnervingly calm, looks intently at the duck, walks over confidently to it then throws it away roughly. Music, and strobe lights cease. Lights up.
PALLAGA (Pointing in the direction of which he threw the duck) That’s for being mean and trying to destroy my mind! Don’t do it again, you bad, bad duck! (Looks at the others)THAT’S A BAD DUCK!!!
PIKI Oh, you’re ok! (Runs over and hugs PALLAGA fiercely) We thought you were being killed!
PALLAGA I was! But for some reason I wasn’t worried, I knew the pants would save me for some reason. It’s really strange…. it’s like I knew what would happen all along. (Takes off the Pants.)
GIMLI grabs the suit.
GIMLI I got the suit! Wow! Isn’t this a magnificent thing? Feel the fabric. (Strokes the suit, a little too lovingly).
GRANDELF sits PALLAGA down so he can rest.
GRANDELF Tell me what you saw when it was attacking you, what you heard, what you thought, everything!
PALLAGA (Overly dramatic, like in LOTR) Gandy, it really was the most awful thing that has ever happened to me (Puts head in hands) Well, I saw what the monster really was, not a duck at all, but an enormous demon, bigger than I could imagine, with eyes like…. they were horrible…its pupils (Terrified beyond belief)…they were…they…were red and shaped like the pants of power! The rest of what I saw…. a castle on fire and crumbling, thousands of people dying, a white tree…. and… I saw (Pointing in the direction of GIMLI) him!
GIMLI (Very surprised. Caught while rubbing the suit of seduction all over his body) What? Wah? Huh? Oh god what? Who?
GRANDELF (Grabs the suit off GIMLI roughly) Give it here!! (Shoves GIMLI).
PALLAGA Not Gimli…I saw him, the Dark Lord of Memordor (Very tired, collapses).
GRANDELF picks PALLAGA up.
GRANDELF We need to flee quickly from this swamp, and set up camp somewhere safe. Since PALLAGA has worn the pants, dark fiends will know where he is now and rush to find him. Hurry!
All leave quickly. SCHMOOPY remains on his perch. Lights dim.
SCHMOOPY (Outraged) He wore my precious! He wore my precious! His butt isn’t worthy to wear my precious is it?
SCHMOOPY draws out two finger puppets from his pockets. One is ‘good’ Schmoopy vis a vis ‘Smeagle’, the other is ‘bad’ Schmoopy vis a vis ‘Gollum’. SCHMOOPY makes the puppets talk – the good one is friendly and reasonable, the bad one bitter and angry.
G.PUPPET (Consoling kindly) No it isn’t, Schmoopy!
SCHMOOPY But mine is! Mine is worthy!
B.PUPPET Yes! You’re butt is very worthy of the Pants of Power! Very, very worthy!
SCHMOOPY (As though he was just reminded of the thought and is glad the puppets agree with him) Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying!
B.PUPPET You know how to use the pants, precious! They can be used to conquer, to destroy, to make Schmoopy the chosen one, make Schmoopy the king!
SCHMOOPY I would like to be the king.
G.PUPPET Or, rather than killing everyone, you could use the pants to control all the other clothes in Schmiddle-Earth, to control fashion, and become a millionaire! Or, at worst, if they don’t wear your fashion, to make them all naked!
B.PUPPET Good puppet lacks ambition! Good puppet is scared!
G.PUPPET Well evil puppet doesn’t care about Schmoopy. Evil puppet only wants to hurt Schmoopy, and take the pants for himself!
B.PUPPET Liar!
BAD PUPPET attacks GOOD PUPPET, who fights back. SCHMOOPY breaks it up, as though he is legitimately not in control of his hands.
SCHMOOPY Break it up! We have to work together, other wise the precious will never be ours. Now, beat who’s Schmoopy?
G.PUPPET/B.PUPPET You’re Schmoopy.
SCHMOOPY Yes, I’m Schmoopy. Doctor Schmoopy, MD. And Doctor Schmoopy MD says beat we cast a spell on them while they camp, and steal the precious quietly.
B.PUPPET Then poison their food?
SCHMOOPY We’ll see. Let’s go.
SCHMOOPY leaves with puppets still on hands, all chanting “Schmoopy! Schmoopy! Schmoopy!” intently. Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’. Lights down, music stops.
SCENE 9 – LIFE STORIES, SCHMOOPY CASTS SPELLS
Lights up. Heroes are camping, sitting in a circle.
GRANDELF Listen, Gimli. You might have to carry Pallaga for a while tomorrow. My back just isn’t feeling too good now (Rubs back). And Pallaga, I know you’ve been unwell, but I don’t think you’ve been walking for one whole hour without getting a ‘leg cramp’ and needing us to carry you. It will take us until the next Age of Schmiddle-Earth to reach Memordor at this rate.
PIKI I think we need something to get our minds off our dangerous journey….
PALLAGA Yeah we have the Suit of Seduction so far, I think we’ve done very well-
GIMLI (Interrupting) Yes beat the suit.
GRANDELF (Continuing) but many more items to collect, and many dangers yet to face. To pass the gates of Moria-a we only need one more item however, the Bra of Bravado.
GIMLI (Fondly) Ahhh Moria-a, my homeland, how I miss it.
PALLAGA Tell us about Moria-a, Gimli.
GIMLI (Pause) Well, it is the ancient Kingdom of the Dwarves, in an enormous cave inside the Mountains of Madness. I have not seen it for seven years.
PIKI Why?
GIMLI Well my brothers and sisters chose me to undertake a special task, to leave the underground caverns and to find out what is going on beyond in Schmiddle-Earth. I am to return in a few months and report. I cannot wait to get back and see my kinfolk again.
PALLAGA So what will you report to them?
GIMLI I have seen many wondrous sights. Yet I have also seen much to be sorry for, much decay and hatred tearing these fair lands apart. That’s why I joined Pallaga, to rid Schmiddle-Earth of this scourge.
PALLAGA Not really, Gimli. You only joined me because you were drunk.
GIMLI Well (pause) that too (Bellowing laugh. Elbows PALLAGA mischievously)
PIKI Well, Gimli, I hope that you stay with us, and I hope that you see all your friends and family back in Moria-a, and drink lots of dwarf beers and be happy. (Hugs GIMLI).
The others wish GIMLI luck also.
PALLAGA Awww! I wanna hug too!
PIKI Well, you tell me a story about your life and then I’ll hug you.
PALLAGA Yay! Okay, a story, a story (Racks brain for a while, can’t think of one) Ooh I have one. Once in a land called (pause. Winks at them) The The Shire, a group or (Pause) ‘fellowship’ (winks again) you might call it, was formed. This (pause) ‘fellowship’ was on an important quest, to destroy an ancient and evil piece of apparel in the land of Memordor. (The others groan) Now, this fellowship went to see The Oracle to get advice, and he talked backwards, then they defeated a duck and took its suit, and then they camped and started telling stories. But I cannot tell you the end of this story and do you know why? (Very excited, thinks they haven’t caught on to his ‘trick’ but they have) Guess, guess why?
Long pause. They pull faces.
We are the story! Ha-ha-ha-ha! I bet you didn’t see that one coming ha-ha-ha-ha! Get it!
GRANDELF Yes! Enough! Not funny! (Punches PALLAGA)
PIKI That’s ok, Pallaga. I liked your story. (Hugs him) I wonder how it will end?
GIMLI With Pallaga being eaten by an imp!
All laugh except PALLAGA.
PALLAGA Hey! That was only a rumour! Anyway I’ll tell you about myself. My parents are both herb farmers, my brothers and sisters are all in a special school for those with extraordinary fishing ability, and my best friend is an elf named Bunky, who is a compulsive planter of trees…. I had a girlfriend – who once told me that I would make a good model – a male model – if not for a company like Elvin Klein or Hobbit-Armani, then maybe for a K-Mart catalogue. So that’s my goal, to become a male model!
PIKI Well, Pallaga, I hope your dream comes true someday!
GRANDELF Piki, tell us more about yourself, and afterwards I’ll tell a scary tale.
PIKI Well (Pauses, a little shy) ok. As you know, I am a pixie. I lived in Gympieland, the pixie homeland. My friends and I all wanted to be singers, it was really funny. We all went to the auditions for Schmiddle-Earth Idol, and then (pauses) one of the judges was really mean and said (Really upset, in a high-pitched voice) “your voice is too high-pitched”.
PALLAGA gasps
Anyway, I got so upset, and so mad, that I cast a magic pixie spell on him, and turned him into a dinner plate.
PALLAGA (Admiring) You can cast spells? Wow, what else can you do?
PIKI (Casually) I can also talk to all the woodland creatures, all pixies can do it. The only magic we seem to be able to do is turn people into dishware. By the way, if you are short on cups or bowls, I have heaps in my backpack.
Other heroes look freaked out.
Anyway, what I did was caught on national television so I had to flee. I have been roaming ever since. I just happened to be in The The Shire when Pallaga threw his great party, and I joined in and met Pallaga and here I am!
PALLAGA (Was thinking. Interrupts) Wait! I saw that! That was you! Wow, you’re the most talked-about person in Schmiddle-Earth right now. (Gives her a high-five)
PIKI Really? He was a jerk. The problem is I have no idea how to get back. I think Gympieland is in the Forest of Fear somewhere.
GRANDELF Well Piki, we may just get lucky. We do hope that you can remain with our fellowship for a while though.
PIKI nods
As promised I will now tell a tale of a horrible monster, a beast most foul
Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’ for atmosphere as he tells the story. All sit up straight and pay attention.
Five thousand years ago, from the depths of the most corrupt, smelly pits in Memordor.
PALLAGA gasps
emerged a beast so terrifying, so ugly-
GIMLI (Interrupting, squints eyes) How ugly?
GRANDELF She was so ugly that not only did she fall out of the ugly tree, she also hit all the branches on the way down, and then the tree fell and crushed her. She is so ugly that when a man looks at her beat his heart explodes from the fear!
PALLAGA (Gasps, hides behind GIMLI) Graaaandelf! I’m afraid!
GRANDELF And this beast has hair made out of snakes, eyes that can shoot laser beams, skin covered in poison! She feeds by singing a heavenly song to attract travelling menfolk, then eating them.
PALLAGA So, is she hot?
GRANDELF Pallaga, I just went to great length to describe how ugly she was!
PALLAGA Oh, of course, do go on.
GRANDELF She managed to marry a blind man, and use him to make crooked investments on the Schmiddle-Earth markets beat oh, nevermind.
Music stops. All are quiet for a while. SCHMOOPY sneaks in and sits on a step to watch them, the heroes do not notice.
GIMLI Well I have a joke to tell you all. I have to warn you though, this joke is, literally, the greatest joke in the world!
PALLAGA Oh tell us! I’ve heard about this joke!
GIMLI Ok, a dwarf, an elf and a human entered a bar, the elf says-
Heroes all freeze. SCHMOOPY starts soliloquy.
SCHMOOPY I will cast a spell on them my precious, a spell to make them suffer!
SCHMOOPY holds his spell book open to a page and starts waving hands in weird gestures, mumbling magic words.
Tatta shakka stickki wikka yalla!! (Play FF9 ‘crystal world’ briefly. Freezes whilst in a weird position).
GIMLI (Finishing the joke that was interrupted by the ‘freezing’) …..and that’s why horse carriages are outlawed in some areas!
The heroes all crack up laughing, and keep laughing for quite a while as though it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. Eventually they calm down.
PALLAGA (Barely able to speak) Oh, Gimli, I hurt from laughing too much!
PIKI I can’t breathe!
GRANDELF Oh, Gimli, I have to say that really was the greatest joke in the world. I am so glad I heard the whole joke, otherwise it wouldn’t have been funny at all. I would even go so far as to say I would feel sorry for anyone [Looks at the audience] with the misfortune of not hearing that joke in its entirety.
SCHMOOPY unfreezes and finishes casting the spell, emphasising the end of his incantations. FF9 ‘crystal world’ plays briefly. The heroes freeze briefly, then all start making sounds like large angry birds and run around flapping their arms as though flying. They can bump into each other, get louder and angrier.
SCHMOOPY No that was the ‘randy parrot’ spell! What am I doing wrong? (Waves hands again, utters magic words. ‘Crystal world’ plays again briefly. Heroes freeze, and after a small pause one by one they say movie quotes, in the character of the actor they are quoting. SCHMOOPY is confused the whole time.
PALLAGA “Dry land is not a myth! I’ve seen it!” Kevin Costner, Waterworld.
PIKI “You had me at hello” Renee Zellweger, Jerry Maguire.
GIMLI “Hello, Clarice, its good to see you again!” Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs.
GRANDELF “You can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid ass!” Samuel L Jackson, Die Hard With A Vengeance.
SCHMOOPY No! What on Schmiddle-Earth is going on? That’s the movie
quote spell! I’m supposed to be shooting a fireball at them! (Cries in frustration. Shakes PALLAGA). Give me the Pants of Power, Pallaga! Where are they? (Keeps shaking him violently. Brings out a book. Realises mistake) I should have bought ‘Magic for Dummies’, not ‘Dumb Magic’! I need to go and replace the book. But I’ll be back! (Exits. After a small pause the heroes snap out of the spell, somewhat dazed)
PALLAGA Whoah what happened!
PIKI (Dizzy, unsteady on her feet) I’m woozy!
GRANDELF We must have laughed so hard at Gimli’s joke we all inhaled a little too much oxygen! Well we had better all get some sleep.
PALLAGA Hey has anyone seen my mirror? I haven’t seen my reflection in 3 hours and I miss it!
PIKI (Hands over mirror) Oh here you go Pallaga, you must have dropped it!
PALLAGA Oh, thanks Piki. Gee I keep losing it, that isn’t like me at all….
GIMLI Hey has anyone seen my beard-comb, I’m sure it was just in my bag.
PIKI Oh here you go, I found that too. You should really be more careful, it’s a good thing I notice these things…
GRANDELF Yes, indeed (A little concerned that PIKI may not be just ‘finding’ these items) Hey speaking of lost things – the Suit of Seduction where is it?
GIMLI Oh its over here, Grandelf, I was just cleaning the leaves out of it a little…(Hands it to GRANDELF)
GRANDELF Oh good (Pause) What – have you been slobbering on this Gimli?!
GIMLI looks sheepish, then lies down and goes to sleep.
PIKI He’s asleep, Grandelf. And so am I. (Play FF9 ‘bran bal the village’. All are now asleep except GRANDELF)
GRANDELF (Worried) Well, good night, fellowship of the pants. (Sleeps).
Lights dim. Music fades out
SCENE 10 – PIXIES IN THE FOREST OF FEAR
Lights up. Heroes enter the room, they have been walking through the Forest of Fear.
NARRATOR And so the Top Secret Heroes of Schmiddle-Earth, the Fellowship of the Pants, ventured through the Forest of Fear, on the Mountains of Madness, in search of the next item of magic clothing, the Bra of Bravado.
They checked their map,
At the same moment GRANDELF takes out the map, points at their current location and where they need to head. The other heroes nod cheesily
they tested the wind,
PALLAGA licks a finger and points it around as though testing the wind
Gimli started thrusting his groin at everything,
GIMLI does so, saying “Groin!!” a few times,
saying ‘groin’ a lot, Pallaga started slapping his own booty
Slaps his booty, doing a dorky dance,
and then Grandelf punched Pallaga
GRANDELF punches PALLAGA. NARRATOR is delighted.
Haha! I love having this power! (Pause). And then (thinking) um ahhh ooh! And then Piki comes over and gives a little love to me, the narrator!
Pause. PIKI crosses arms and shakes head
No? I’m the narrator, you have to do as I say! (Hopefully.
PIKI still resists.
Damn! Oh well, um….ahh….an attractive girl from the audience comes and gives me a little sugar! Huh? Huh? Huh? Oh well it was worth a try…(Whisper)….I will soon crush you all…(Normal) I mean, start the scene!
GRANDELF (To NARRATOR) Silence! I think I hear a rustle in the bushes… NARRATOR exits. Heroes are careful. PIKI finds something in a corner.
PIKI Oh it’s a little baby squirrel, come here….
GIMLI Oh good, you said you could talk to woodland creatures, Piki. Maybe you could ask it for directions?
PIKI (Speaks in her native pixie tongue) Chicki gi chipi fiki wizzi? (Listens to the squirrel) Ahhhh stipi hiki gippi fizzi! (To the party, excited) He knows the way to my homeland, Gympieland! (Talks to squirrel some more) Oh wait, he says we are already there! Wow I was thinking these trees started to look a little familiar! Maybe I can see my family and friends again soon, yippie! (Starts dancing around, running around excitedly, making ‘pixie’ noises) Bippi! Bippi! Bippi! Ki! Ki! ki!
GIMLI (As PIKI runs around) She sure is acting strange, maybe its pixie mating season or something?
GRANDELF No she is simply acting more like her normal self, a pixie, when she is back in her homeland. When she is around beings that aren’t pixies she is more stable…
PALLAGA Ha-ha! Piki’s gone crazy!
GRANDELF Piki, piki, sshhh! (PIKI calms down a bit) Listen I know you are excited to be near your home, Piki, but Y-Y-Y-Yoda warned us that your fellow pixies would annoy us and waste our time…
GIMLI Y-Y-Yoda? That backwards talking freak! What does he know?
GRANDELF ….yes he was weird but I think he has been very helpful thus far in our quest – we have found all the items we need to so far…and I intend to continue using his advice…now let us be quiet as we figure out-
Interrupted by sounds from outside the room. They are high-pitched ‘pixie calls’. PIKI answers the calls.
PIKI Ki ki ki ki! Fikki fikki! Hippi hippi!
They return calls for a short while, then TRIXI, DIXI enter, laughing and running around. PIKI joins them. They stop running and PIKI hugs them all.
PALLAGA (Confused) We’re being attacked by cute little girls!
PIKI Trixi, Dixi, I haven’t seen you for so long! What have you been up to?
TRIXI We’ve been running around the forest going “ki ki ki”!
PIKI Oh wow that sounds so fun I wish I was there!
DIXI And singing pixie songs…high pitched pixie songs!
TRIXI Everyone has been talking about you, (sadly) we thought we’d never see you again because you ran away from that mean judge!
Pixies hug PIKI.
DIXI Who are these people with you?
PIKI (Introducing them) These are my friends and we have been on a journey…
GRANDELF (Interrupting) Yes, a dangerous and important journey, and we need your help. Do you know of an item of clothing spoken of in pixie legend known as beat the Bra of Bravado?
The pixies giggle.
DIXI The wizard said ‘bra’! (They giggle again)
GIMLI We need it to pass the gates of Moria-a. Do you know of it?
The pixies look at each other mischieviously.
TRIXI Well…we know where it is but…you need to catch us first! Come join us, Piki, while we run around to the national anthem of Gympieland!
PIKI Ok! (joins them, excited)
GRANDELF Oh no what are they doing?
TRIXI/DIXI/PIKI We’ll tell you where the Bra of Bravado is, after you catch us! Ti hi ki ki ki!
The pixies and PIKI run around the room singing in very high pitch the song ‘not gonna get us’ by Tatu, which is played. The heroes are confused at first then stand on the spot, grabbing for them as they run past. Chasing goes on for about 20s. Eventually the heroes catch them. When caught, the pixies make very high-pitched distress calls which the heroes find difficult to handle, especially GIMLI.
GIMLI They’re gonna burst my eardrums. (Finally the pixies quiet down)
GRANDELF Okay we’ve caught you, where is the Bra of Bravado?
TRIXI (Casually) Okay, well its inside a big cave, guarded by a dragon, and this cave is in the middle of the Plateau of Woe in (Pause) a place called ….Woooooooo!
GRANDELF (Very alarmed, brings out map and studies it) But that’s over a week’s march away! I don’t think we have that kind of time….
GIMLI Groin! Are you sure its there?
GRANDELF (Suddenly despairing) Maybe this task is just too big for a small fellowship to complete….maybe the pants are destined to again wind up in the hands of evil….(Sighs heavily. The pixies meanwhile are giggling silently and nudging each other, looking mischievous) Maybe we are doomed to failure…
PALLAGA Oh, don’t say that, Grandelf, we can do it!
GIMLI (Suspicious) Hey what’s going on here?
TRIXI We tricked you! (The pixies burst into giggles)
DIXI We have the Bra of Bravado right here! (Takes Bra of Bravado out of her pocket) Ta-da! There you go and good luck on your quest!
Medium pause. Heroes are surprised
PALLAGA Wow you really had us fooled there! (Looks at bra) That is quite a magnificent thing.
GIMLI You pixies are crazy! And you hurt my ears. But thank you for giving us this precious item, groin!
GRANDELF Yes, thank you. We need to depart now. Moria-a awaits.
DIXI Come home, Piki. Stay with us.
TRIXI Yeah you’re welcome back. Come with us and we can rehearse our singing together.
PIKI (Really wants to stay) Oh, girls, I love you all so much and I really want to come back with you right now. (Pause) But I have to remain in the Fellowship. I need to help Pallaga on his quest. (Brightens) But as soon as I finish I will come right back!
TRIXI Yay! Everyone’s going to be so happy that you’re okay. Good bye and good luck, brave adventurers!
Pixies all give warm good bye, making pixie noises.
PALLAGA Bye cute pixies!
Heroes leave. Lights down. Play ‘Kuja’s theme’
SCENE 11 – GATES OF MORIA-A, SCHMOOPY’S PLANS
Gates (maybe a hanging curtain which they go through??) are placed on stage while the lights are down. Music still playing. NARRATOR enters.
NARRATOR The Pants-wearer and his companions headed with determination to Moria-a, a small pass in the Mountains of Madness. With every move they made they were shadowed by a spiteful and envious soul…
(Heroes enter. Music fades out)
GIMLI (Excited) Now onto Moria-a! I can smell the iron forge and the dwarf spirits already! I may have been away for seven years but I can still feel within my bones that its location is close. (Spots the gates) There they are! Now I would let you in myself, but they don’t expect my return yet, so the gates will be locked to all outsiders, even me. We will have to do it Grandelf’s way, using little Pallaga here.
GRANDELF The chosen one must wear the Pants of Power, the Suit of Seduction, and (Pause) the Bra of Bravado. (GIMLI and PIKI snicker)
PALLAGA Why do I keep getting into situations where I need to wear a bra? (Starts to put on the items of clothing)
GRANDELF You must also chant the sacred tongue of the Dwarven Ancients, which I have in this book (Hands a small book to PALLAGA, who is reluctant, arranges clothing).
GRANDELF I think you are set now. Stand back and let Pallaga perform the ceremony (They all back off).
PIKI (Teasing) Pallaga, you look fabulous!
GIMLI The looks on the faces of the dwarves on the other side are going to be priceless! You are going to keep them entertained for weeks. (Bellowing laughter)
PALLAGA (Laughs) Shut up! (Ironic, wistful) If my mother could see me now….(Waves hands around in mysterious patterns. Reads from the book, it is not another language but simply gibberish as though he is speaking to a baby trying to make it giggle, very exaggerated facial expressions, shaking the head etc. Does this for about a minute. Nothing happens after he stops)
PIKI Um maybe you’re not wearing the bra properly. Here let me just adjust it for you… (Adjusts bra)
PALLAGA Wow you’re very gentle. (PIKI giggles, very embarrassed, finishes) Thanks.
GRANDELF (Intensely) Try again, Pallaga. I know you can do it. You are The Chosen One!
PALLAGA (Breathes in deeply) Wow no-one has ever called me that before! (With renewed determination) I can’t let them down. (Just begins waving hands, then heroes freeze. Play FF9 ‘crystal world’ briefly. SCHMOOPY has cast a freeze spell on them – he enters, exultant. Eyes fixed on the pants. Walks right up to PALLAGA)
SCHMOOPY The freezing spell worked! (Insane laughter.) The pants! My precious!! (Insane laughter.) At last they’re mine! (Immediately tries to roughly pull PALLAGA’s pants down, but he can’t budge them. Keeps trying for ages, gets in ridiculous positions to get the pants off but PALLAGA just remains frozen and the pants won’t move. Is extremely frustrated)
Let me take off your pants, you dastard! Get them off! Grrrr what is the matter! (Perplexed. Looks at the other clothes) It must be these other clothes, this suit and this bra! (Getting incredibly angry) They are magic, they are working together to protect the pants and to keep them with stupid Pallaga! Stupid, stupid, stupid Pallaga!!! (Slaps, hits PALLAGA a few times, shakes him, eventually gives up. Music stops)
SCHMOOPY (Breaking down and crying in frustration, very sooky, like a child) You stole my pants, and I want them back. They’re my pants…mine!
Why can’t poor Schmoopy have the precious? (Brings out puppets in) Help me, puppets!
G. PUPPET (Cheerful) Hey Schmoopy, what did I miss?
SCHMOOPY The pants are right here, but those dirty thieves are protecting them from me with dirty magic tricks. Normally I can feel my precious calling to me, but …now….its like they are not even here! They’ve used magic to hide them, dirty tricks and lies to deceive poor Schmoopy!
B.PUPPET Well…if tricks and lies is what they likes (Pause) then Schmoopy can tricks and lie them!
SCHMOOPY (Calmer) Do go on…
B.PUPPET Schmoopy can join their party, pretend to be their friend. Schmoopy can steal their map, then they won’t know where to go, so then Schmoopy can lead them to her!
G.PUPPET Is that really necessary? Maybe you can just steal them when he’s not wearing the other magic clothes.
SCHMOOPY Oh I’m getting really sick of you.
B.PUPPET I’ll take care of unhelpful good puppet. (B.PUPPET grabs G.PUPPET, they fight for a while, eventually B.PUPPET knocks G.PUPPET off SCHMOOPY’s hand). There! Now poor Schmoopy doesn’t need to worry about wimpy good puppet anymore.
SCHMOOPY Did you kill him?
B.PUPPET Yes! (‘Grabs’ SCHMOOPY by the clothes and pulls him up to him threateningly) Now listen to me! While the jerks are frozen, steal their map, and then they will need you to join them as a guide, and then, you can steal the precious easily, no magic or tricks needed. And then I….(Pause) …uh I mean Schmoopy will rule them all!
SCHMOOPY (Very excited) Who’s Schmoopy?
B.PUPPET You’re Schmoopy!
SCHMOOPY/B.PUPPET (Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’ briefly. Chanting) Schmoopy! Schmoopy! Schmoopy!
(Steals the map, exits. After a moment the heroes unfreeze. Play William Orbit – Barber’s Adagio for Strings (2:17 onwards), as PALLAGA completes the ritual as though he was never interrupted. PALLAGA backs away from the door upon finishing. The heroes wait, hushed. Medium pause. The Gates of Moria-a open. Heroes stare at the gate opening, in awe and wonder, for about 15s.)
GRANDELF You did it Pallaga! I knew you could do it!
PIKI Pallaga’s a magician!
GIMLI My stone! The gates open for the first time ever to a non-dwarven being! [Nudging PALLAGA] This boy’s got something of the dwarf in him I’d say!
GRANDELF Quick! Hurry inside, they may not stay open for long! (They all hurry inside. Doors close. Lights down.
Play Lord of the Rings – ‘the black rider’ to begin intermission.
INTERMISSION
ACT 2
SCENE 12 – DEVASTATION, LOST MAP
Play Lord of the Rings ‘concerning hobbits’ as audience re-enters, and FF9 ‘alexandria’. There are a few bodies on the floor. NARRATOR enters.
NARRATOR Thank you for staying with us for the second half of this epic journey. I trust you used the toilets and acquired cordial beverage in a calm manner and did not have to draw swords and spill blood to determine who was “next”. You are perhaps wondering whether I went to the toilet, and my answer to you is, ‘mind your own business, that’s a really impolite thing to ask of a narrator’. (A little whiney) Stop with this harsh interrogation, okay?
(Regaining composure)
Anyway, before you so rudely interrupted me (huffs, offended) I was going to continue the story of the Fellowship of the Pants. The heroes entered the gates of Moria-a, and discovered to their horror, that the Kingdom of the Dwarves was completely destroyed. They found a cavern filled with dwarves who had died in grim battle, their armour and shields strewn in chaos around their remains. A silent army of evil had penetrated the hard walls of Moria-a with dark magic, and murdered most of the dwarves in their sleep.
Gimli, Son of Groin, was devastated that the people he loved had perished in such a manner. At the same time, the twisted one with puppet friends was about to strike just when the Fellowship was most vulnerable….
(Heroes enter. Lord of the Rings – ‘the breaking of the fellowship’ is played. They are walking slowly and solemnly, looking at the bodies, without real purpose. GIMLI is staring vacantly. Stop music before heroes speak).
GRANDELF (Thinking hard) I cannot believe the sheer brutality of the force that struck Moria-a. My heart fears that the Pants of Power have inspired such a dread force, that (Pause) he is impatient, and longs desperately to wear them again….
GIMLI (Enraged) Well when I find him, I’ll give him four thousand stabs in the heart, one for every one of my folk he slaughtered!
PIKI (Very sad) Poor Gimli! (Gives GIMLI a little hug, PALLAGA nervously pats him on the back. Music fades out).
GRANDELF (Louder) But we must not lose hope! This tragedy proves that Dark Lord Sourpuss has become desperate. We must push on, to avenge Gimli, Son of Groin, and all those who have suffered in the face of evil…for this is our one big chance…
From Piki’s notes, we must next head for the Plain of Pain, then the Estuary of Encephalitis, the Canyon of Cannibalism, and finally the Quagmire of Quacking Ducks before Memordor itself…The three remaining items we need to collect to enter Memordor’s gates are the Loincloth of Loyalty, the Scarf of Sophistication and the Mask of Motivation. Let’s have a look at the map to get a clearer picture. (Medium pause) Who has the map?
(They all check their pockets)
PALLAGA I haven’t seen the map.
PIKI Neither have I, which is strange.
GIMLI (Pause) I don’t have it…
(Medium pause)
GRANDELF (Perplexed) What has happened to it? We need it to find our way through dangerous lands! Who had it last?
PALLAGA I think I had it….but I’m not sure…
GRANDELF (Carefully) Piki, you seem to be very good at (Pause) finding things, did you find it somewhere and forgot it or something?
PIKI (Puzzled) No, I don’t think so
GIMLI Maybe we left it in Moria-a…
GRANDELF searches around for it, finally gives up. (Stop music)
GRANDELF Fantastic! What are we going to do now?
GRANDELF Sits down, holding head. The heroes all look around suspiciously at
each other, trying to work out if one of them could be a saboteur. Medium pause.
SCHMOOPY enters, acting as though he’s just passing by, he notices them and
acts concerned.
SCHMOOPY Hello there, travellers, you look like you need help. Are you (Pause) lost?
PALLAGA Yeah, we lost our map, and we’re stuck. We’re on a quest with the Pants …
GRANDELF mugs PALLAGA to prevent him saying more.
PIKI (Covering) We’re headed for the Plains of Pain first….where are you going?
SCHMOOPY (Cheerful) Well! I’m headed through the Plains of Pain on my journey and I know how to get there, how about I lead you lost travellers there?
GRANDELF (A little wary) Really? You know the way?
SCHMOOPY Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on, my name is Beat Dr……. Joe………..um… Guy , (Goes around shaking all their hands enthusiastically) follow me, Dr Joe Guy knows the way to the Plains of Pain…
GRANDELF I guess we have no choice. Thank you, Dr Joe Guy. We will repay you somehow…
SCHMOOPY (Quietly) Yes, I’m sure you will pay dearly…(The heroes start following him off)
PALLAGA (Looking at SCHMOOPY, thinking) Hey you look a little familiar!
SCHMOOPY (A little nervous) Who? Me? No! Um…er……uh……I get that all the time, Dr Joe Guy must have familiar face.
SCHMOOPY looks at PALLAGA, trying to appear ‘normal’, but failing – his eyes bulge out too much and his face is shaking from the strain.
PALLAGA Well you seem believable, so I believe you…lets go!
SCHMOOPY (Looking at the pants briefly, intensely) Yes, master!
All exit. Lights down.
SCENE 13 - CAMP
Lights up. The heroes are in camp, sitting. SCHMOOPY is constantly moving about, restless, as though searching for the hidden pants. PALLAGA is now wearing a t-shirt saying “Chosen One’ in big capital letters.
GIMLI I’m trying not to think about our map, (forlorn) I really (beat) liked that map….(The other heroes look at each other, uneasy)
PALLAGA I liked the little picture of me that was the marker, it was cute and I liked moving it…(Other heroes look at PALLAGA, thinking)
PIKI Yeah, I kept finding it for you when you lost it, but I just guess it really is lost this time… (Others look at her silently)
GRANDELF That map always reminded me of Y-Y-Yoda, he was just so annoying! (Growls and shakes fist. They look at him unsteadily. Pause)
SCHMOOPY That’s a pretty nice shirt you got there, my precious! So, what does ‘Chosen One’ actually mean?
PALLAGA It means that I am the Chosen One, because of the Pants of Power and all.
SCHMOOPY The what?
PALLAGA Haven’t you heard about them? I thought you said you were from The-The Shire?
SCHMOOPY (Hot under the collar) No, I’ve never been through that territory. No never, my precious! Not ever………um, no………I mean, yes, I have been there!
PALLAGA (To GRANDELF) See Gandy! Not everyone from The-The Shire knows about my Pants of Power!
GRANDELF (Snaps to attention) What?
PALLAGA You know, the Pants of Power! I’m the ‘Chosen One’ remember? That’s why I got this shirt! See Gandy? (Spelling it out) The ‘Cho-sen One’, you see Gandy? Huh? Huh?? I was just telling Dr Joe Guy here about the Pants of Power. You remember the Pants of Power, right?
GRANDELF (Exploding) WHAT?!?!!??!!?
PALLAGA (To SCHMOOPY) Do you want to see them?
SCHMOOPY Oh, I’ve waited so long for them! Beat Oh, wait, no I haven’t…..I saw them not long ago! Beat Oh, I mean, please let Schmoopy see!
PALLAGA Who’s Schmoopy? Yeah, well, here you go!
GRANDELF WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING????!!!!!!!!!!
PALLAGA Oh, yeah, thanks Gandy! Silly me. I don’t have the Pants of Power!
GRANDELF WHAT??!!!??!!!?
PALLAGA I lent them to Gimli to try on.
GIMLI is at the back, thrusting his groin, and yelling “GROIN!” constantly.
GIMLI Mmmm! GROIN!!!!!!!!!! they just look so damn sexy on me, and further more (beat) GROIN!!!!!!!! [Pause] I believe that…..the Pants have given me the power of……..AN INDESTRUCTIBLE GROIN!!!!!! GROIN!!!!!
GRANDELF Stop this at once!
PALLAGA Gimli could Schmoopy please have the Pants of Power to try on?
GRANDELF Absolutely not! Pallaga (Whispers), please stop mentioning the Pants of Power, and asking everyone to try them on, especially when there are strangers around!
PALLAGA A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met, Gandy!
GRANDELF PALLAGA, would you just shut up already! We must leave.
GIMLI Yes, it is almost nightfall, and I believe this place Beat is cursed!
GRANDELF Gimli, it’s only noon! But, yes, we still must leave.
They all exit. Lights down. Play FF9 ‘fossil roo’ into the next scene.
ACT 2 - SCENE 14 – INVISIBLE PEOPLE BATTLE
Lights up. Music is still playing, fading eventually.
SCHMOOPY Hurry heroes no time to waste!
GRANDELF I’m really not sure we are headed for the Plains of Pain, Mr Joe Guy….
SCHMOOPY (Reassuring) No! No! This is Schmoopy’s secret way!
GIMLI (Whispering to PIKI) Who is this ‘Schmoopy’, an imaginary friend of his?
PIKI Yeah, none of my imaginary friends have precise directions to Schmiddle Earth locations…
GIMLI (Whispers again to PIKI) Hey, do you think that perhaps Schmoopy is that tree over there? (Points to ‘tree’, not seen, downstage).
PIKI Huh?
GIMLI (Starts walking over to tree. Very excited. To PIKI) I’m just going to ask.
GIMLI starts to hug and kiss the tree, fondling it.
GRANDELF (Sees GIMLI) Gimli, NO! Stay away from that tree!
PALLAGA Why? What’s wrong?
GRANDELF The Invisible People lurk beyond those trees’ borders! I sense them within the wood of my staff.
SCHMOOPY (Very excited) Oh, The Invisible People! We’re here at last!
PIKI What?
SCHMOOPY Oh, Schmoopy means beat er, (Putting it on, surpised, etc) Oh the Invisible People! We’re …when ….they aren’t supposed to be at the Plains of Pain (Pause) which is where we’re actually headed!
PALLAGA Ow something hit me!
GIMLI Oh I’ve been whacked on the leg. (Tries kicking out at enemy)
PIKI starts doing her distress call. Play FF9 ‘battle 1’.
GRANDELF (Very forceful, dramatic) Protect the pants!! Huddle around Pallaga!! I’ll cast a protective spell to slow them down! They’re not after the pants but we cannot lose Pallaga!
They do as he says. They huddle together and face outwards to the invisible
enemies, which are surrounding the party.
PALLAGA I like being The Chosen One! I get 24 hour security protection!
GRANDELF (Ramming his staff into the ground many times in many different directions. To the invisible attackers) You shall not pass! You shall not pass!! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!! YYYOOOUUUUU SHAAAALLLL NOOOTTTT PAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!!!
(SCHMOOPY sneaks off into audience, watches them battle, a smile on his face. The heroes look shocked as they battle the unseen enemies, they all back into each other into a protective huddle centre-stage facing outwards. Their poses and actions are silly and exaggerated, they overact to any sense of their enemies being nearby. After some terrified moments, the good defending of GIMLI and GRANDELF appears to have fended off the invisible foes, and the heroes rest, tired and unhappy. Play FF9 ‘victory’.)
GRANDELF They seem to have given up, lets set up camp.
(They all reluctantly set up camp. They work separated from each other. SCHMOOPY returns from his perch and approaches each of the heroes individually. As SCHMOOPY whispers to each of them, they appear to be listening but do not respond, as though he is like a ‘voice inside their heads’. He is trying to exacerbate the bad mood inherent in the group.)
SCHMOOPY (Aside) And now I will tear them apart! (Pause) Like a monkey without a Beat fish! The others say you are too bizarre for the party, Gimli. They think you destroyed the map and they want to kick you out of the fellowship.
(GIMLI has been listening, and keeps working, in a sad, dark mood)
SCHMOOPY Piki, I heard the others say that they don’t trust you. They think you stole the map and won’t own up to it.
(PIKI soberly cleans out pots and pans).
SCHMOOPY Pallaga, Grandelf thinks you are a complete fool. They all think you lost the map because you’ve done something stupid with it.
(PALLAGA looks sooky and sits down in a corner. All the heroes, including GRANDELF, look at each other uneasily. Lights down. Music fades. Exit)
ACT 2 – SCENE 15 – PLATEAU OF WOE, CRAZY BOX
Heroes get into standing position before lights up. They appear lost. BOX is in a corner.
GRANDELF I still don’t think we are headed for the Plains of Pain, or any of the other realms we need to go….we seem to be in lands unknown. (Aside) Y-Y-Yoda warned that we would meet someone pretending to be our friend, but is evil and only wishes the pants for themselves. We must be careful with this ‘Dr Guy’… (Strokes beard in concern)
SCHMOOPY Schmoopy…oh I mean Dr Joe Guy ….oh I mean Dr Schmoopy, MD, knows the way! Don’t fret, secret way good!
(The party look at him quizzically)
SCHMOOPY (Aside. Evilly) Well if the invisible people couldn’t destroy them, they will surely meet their doom now! (Small wicked laugh)
(The party spot BOX)
GIMLI Look its some kind of box. All by itself in the forest.
PIKI How strange!
SCHMOOPY Ooh it is a strange box, it looks so wonderful and exciting… Maybe Pallaga should stick his head in to check what’s inside?
PALLAGA (Cheerful) Ok! (Goes over to stick his head inside)
GRANDELF (Grabs PALLAGA roughly and shoves him away from a BOX) No you fool! I know what this thing is. It is the Box of Blaalaadoodlewanga 3! It is dangerous, yet I believe it holds the key to the Loincloth of Loyalty. (Standing straight, flat tone, facing the audience more than the heroes) I know this for some reason because I am a powerful wizard who chooses to keep you all in the dark about my knowledge and only tell you when its important, so that I sound intelligent and mysterious…
(Suddenly the box shakes a little on its spot on the ground. There is someone inside making it move. BOX can only speak by shouting.)
BOX Silence! The box will speak now! You cannot pass me for I am the Box of Blaalaadoodlewanga 3!
GIMLI Yeh we know….
PIKI So are there three boxes like you then?
BOX Silence! There are no other boxes!
(BOX stands up and rotates on the spot, back and forth whenever he speaks)
GIMLI (Suggestively) So there’s no Mrs Box then?
BOX No I am the only box! Shut-up!
GIMLI Well maybe we can get better acquainted sometime! You do have very nice vertices, and three-dimensions Beat I like that in my boxes! (Approaches box, tries to stroke it lovingly. GRANDELF tries to stop him)
BOX (Enraged and confused) Your unnatural sexual attraction CONFUSES AND INFURIATES BOX!!!!! Grrrrrr!! (GIMLI backs off) To pass me and escape the Plateau of Woe you must answer all my questions correctly!
GRANDELF (Interrupting) So that’s where we are! (Gives SCHMOOPY the death stare. The other heroes are surprised) Dr Joe Guy I am very displeased with you!
BOX No-one may interrupt Box!! As Box was saying, answering the questions incorrectly will result in a penalty. This penalty may be unusual!! Are you prepared to take on Box’s challenge?!?
GRANDELF (Confident, re-assuring) Everyone be quiet, just let me handle the questions. I am in fact the Champion of the game show ‘Schmiddle Riddles’!!
BOX Silence! Question the first! On a Box’s way to St Ives he meets a Box with seven wives…
GIMLI (Exasperated) I thought you said there were no other boxes! Or Mrs Boxes!
BOX Shut-up! Box is speaking! …each wife has seven Boxes, each Box has seven Boxes with seven Boxes, Boxes, and Boxes. How many Boxes were going to St Ives? Answer in thirty seconds or Box will punish you!
GRANDELF (thinking hard)….Wait wait I think I’ve got it!…(About 10 seconds pass, GRANDELF is counting on his fingers)
PALLAGA (Giggling uncontrollably, pointing at the box) Hahahaha! A talking box!
BOX Incorrect!! The answer was ‘Box’!! This angers the Box!! (He moves a little on the spot, stamping his feet, then spinning in anger)
GRANDELF (Extremely mad) Pallaga! (Strangles PALLAGA)
BOX That’s it, I will cast the worst, most horrible spell on you all, turning you into the most fiendish creatures possible!
PALLAGA (Curious) Smell goblins?
BOX Even worse!! (Lights go dark, flashing strobe lights. Play FF9 ‘crystal world’ briefly. The BOX spins and growls loudly as it casts the spell). Hahahahaha!! (Lights up. The heroes, and also SCHMOOPY, are all talking to each other- oblivious to BOX, who they really are or what has happened to them. They are speaking like ‘feral westies’, and in that accent, except for PALLAGA who is immune because he has the Pants of Power. The BOX watches, pleased)
PIKI Oh yeah, yeah got any ciggies, Gandy? I’m having my wedding at the back of the pub you know. I went to Supre to get a wedding dress, they’re full fancy! I need one to cover up me pregnancy cause I’m 15!
GRANDELF Yeah, yeah, I get all the chicks when I go to my family-only parties mate. On weekdays I like to wag me school, carry me surfboard in Windsor. Youse guys know what I’m saying?
PALLAGA Piki? Grandelf? What’s happened to you? You are such monstrous fiends! (Pleading) Box, change them back please! (BOX just laughs)
GIMLI Yeah, yeah. I got this fully sick idea mate lets throw newspapers at cars on Windsor Road, you know what I mean? I do what I want cause I’m a rebel mate! Ya mum, yeah!
SCHMOOPY I plan on dropping out of high school. That’s my career plan. Sick sweet, yeah, yeah, fully, yeah, mate, youse, done, yeah!
PALLAGA How come I didn’t turn into a feral westie? (Whispers) It must be the Pants of Power, they’re protecting me, thank goodness!
BOX (Angry. Music stops) Why hasn’t my spell affected you? Well Beat since you’re the only one who can talk properly, I guess you must answer the rest of BOX’s questions!
PALLAGA (Worried) Oh no Dalfy isn’t going to like this…
BOX Question the second! Finish this poem: ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but not as sweet as…..’ what?!?
PALLAGA Um…er…..pancakes? Oh no, its ‘you’, the answer is ‘you’!
BOX NO! The answer is ‘BOX’!! Box!!! All the answers are box!!! Gggrrrrrrrr!!!! Pay the penalty!!
(Lights down, strobe lights, play FF9 ‘crystal world’ briefly. The spell turns them into interpretive dancers. They move around gracefully and perform unusual moves and poses involving audience members, and each other. PALLAGA watches them, laughing).
BOX Don’t laugh! This is serious! (Music, lights stop). Box is tired of fools who can’t answer simple questions correctly! Question the third: what is something that can be used to store and transport things, and can be cubic in shape?
PALLAGA (Thinking for ages. Medium pause) I think I know this one (Talking to self)
BOX You only have 10 seconds remaining!
PALLAGA Um…a Box!
BOX No! Not a Box, just ‘Box’!!! BOX!!!
PALLAGA But it’s the same….
BOX Oh you’re close enough. Just shut-up and take the Loincloth of Levitation! (BOX throws the loincloth at PALLAGA) Leave Box alone! Box needs to sleep! (BOX ‘sits’ on the floor and becomes motionless, makes snoring sounds)
PALLAGA Whoohoo! Grandy I did it, Grandy! We have the precious loincloth! (PALLAGA dances around. The others break out of their spell-induced trance and look bewildered.)
GRANDELF Great work getting the loincloth Pallaga! What happened to us?
PALLAGA You were the victim of a number of magic spells, but its best not to talk about it, some of it was quite embarrassing for you.
SCHMOOPY Well heroes must follow me out of here. This way, this way! (Gesturing)
GRANDELF Oh no we’re not! (Stands in front of SCHMOOPY) You shall not pass!! You are a very bad travel guide! You have led us to danger and mayhem wherever we have gone! We are supposed to be heading for the Plains of Pain but we are now at the Plateau of Woe, in the middle of nowhere! (In a tone as though he has discovered some huge secret about SCHMOOPY). It has just struck me that ….
SCHMOOPY (Talking to his puppet hand in anguish) Oh no! They knows Schmoopy’s secret!
GRANDELF …that you’re not helpful at all! I don’t think we need to you to lead us anymore. Good day, Dr Joe Guy. (GRANDELF turns to leave, addresses the heroes). Come on, we have only two items more to collect before we can enter the gates of Memordor! (GRANDELF and PIKI leave, PALLAGA and GIMLI about to leave behind them)
(SCHMOOPY is hunched over in a corner, distressed and talking to his hands as they slowly leave)
SCHMOOPY What do I do, my precious? I don’t know what to do? Help!
B.PUPPET (Hitting SCHMOOPY to snap him out of it) Calm down, we can do this!
SCHMOOPY No, no, no Schmoopy is finished! No pants for Schmoopy!
B.PUPPET (Hits SCHMOOPY even harder) Pull yourself together! (One of the blows knocks SCHMOOPY unconscious to the floor) Oh, no I’m sorry! Get up! Get up! (SCHMOOPY remains motionless) Well if you can’t do this I’m going to have to do this myself! (B.PUPPET drags the body of SCHMOOPY towards PALLAGA, who is still leaving the scene. The hand catches up to PALLAGA and tries to take them off him.)
PALLAGA (Screams like a girl) Ahhhh! Get your hands off my Pants!! Help! Help! Help!
B.PUPPET NO! Schmoopy must have the pants!!
(There is a long struggle between PALLAGA and the hand until finally GIMLI grabs the hand off him and PALLAGA runs out of the scene. The hand flails around, trying to attach to something. GIMLI quickly grabs the BOX, picks it up and puts SCHMOOPY completely inside it. The hand bumps against the side of the box but can’t get out. The box is inescapable and SCHMOOPY will be unable to get out. The person that was controlling the box from inside looks around, confused and feeling ‘exposed’, then suddenly runs out of the scene. Play Kuja’s theme’ into next scene.)
ACT 2 – SCENE 16 – TRAP, CONFLICT, SCARF OF SOPHISTICATION
Heroes remain outside the opposite door to the one they exited. Scene is dim, small spotlight on the heroes. Music stops before dialogue.
GRANDELF Now let us try and backtrack our way through this underground pass. I know we are all exhausted but we must press on. I can feel the malice in these lands growing by the day…It is imperative that we find the Scarf of Sophistication. All of Y-Y-Yoda’s warnings have been correct thus far. So we must beware his warning of a trap in a cave. Follow me into the tunnel. (GRANDELF lights a torch. They all enter the room)
PIKI This tunnel looks scary! (Holds onto PALLAGA)
PALLAGA I agree!
GIMLI Not to me! I’m feeling right at home. I love rocks!!
(They walk for a short while, GRANDELF leading them. Shortly he stops.)
GRANDELF (Commandingly) Stay back! (They heroes obey. GRANDELF walks ahead. Breathless, staring intently ahead. HILDA enters, singing in a warm voice -like in an opera- with a distinguished English accent, dressed as though about to dine with royalty. She is wearing a nice scarf, the Scarf of Sophistication.)
HILDA I am Hilda the Cave Monster, what are you doing in my cave?
PALLAGA Wait a minute, you’re not a monster you’re a woman.
HILDA I take offence to that! I am not a woman, I will be whatever I wish to be and today I wish to be a cave monster. As a woman I have that right!
(The heroes are very confused)
PIKI Could you help us on our quest? We need to find some magical items, a scarf, a mask….
HILDA Hmm I’m just going to play with my scarf (Plays with it briefly)…Ooh its quite sophisticated don’t you think hmm yes! (Winks at them).
GRANDELF (Whispers to the other heroes) Ssshh she’s wearing the Scarf of Sophistication, if we talk to her long enough Piki may be able to steal it…
HILDA I heard that! There is nothing sophisticated about this scarf! I don’t really want to help you, in fact… I’m getting rather bored so I am deciding to lock you here in this room for a few hours before I decide what to do with you…. Lalalala. Then I’d better go feed my human chessboard pieces…
GIMLI You’re insane! (HILDA exits and locks the door before they can stop her)
HILDA (Sticks just her head in the door) No I’m not insane, I’m extremely wealthy, so that just makes me eccentric – (tosses head) woo! Cheerio! (Shuts door to exit, sings outside the room for a few seconds. Heroes beat against the door that HILDA shut, yelling. They eventually give up, they are locked in. They all slump down, dejected.
GIMLI What do we do now?
PIKI How could we walk into this trap? Y-Y-Yoda warned us of ‘a trap in a cave’, we should have been more careful…I never thought it would be like this.
PALLAGA I’m never going to be a male model now, we’re going to be trapped in this cave forever…. These Pants have given me such power but how are we ever going to destroy them? They will destroy me, they are always tempting me, speaking to me…. to use their power…
GIMLI While we’re here I may as well confess something to all of you…..i haven’t been entirely honest with you…..but just always remember I would never purposely jeopardise the quest, or try to harm you, my wonderful new friends….but…..my deep dark secret that I have been hiding this whole time is, is……..I’m a pan-sexual!
(Pause)
GRANDELF You’re a pan-sexual?
(Longer pause)
PALLAGA So you’re sexually attracted to pans?
GIMLI No, not specifically attracted to pans, although they can be tempting sometimes….(Licks lips. Tries to re-focus) No, I am sexually attracted to anything, and everything! That’s what ‘pan-sexual’ means.
PALLAGA (Wondering, like a boy) But why.., Gim’s? Why do you like those things?
GIMLI The reason I love inanimate objects is that they can’t hurt your feelings, and you can love them forever because they never die! I was once trapped alone in a room by myself for 4 days, and to stop myself getting really sad and going insane I fixated on the objects in that room, I ended up, talking to them, became friends with them….and eventually (Pause. Crying) loved them…..I owe them my life. Haven’t you been wondering why I’ve been rubbing myself with the Suit of Seduction, or talking suggestively to trees, or why I take a lunchbox and extension cord to bed with me every night?
PALLAGA We just thought you kept making the same kind of unusual jokes?….Like that was your dwarfish sense of humour….
GIMLI (Insecure) You all think I’m weird and want me out of the party don’t you?
GRANDELF Is this why we have no map? You thought it was hot, then you had sex with it, and so destroyed it!
(The heroes are all stirred up now, murmuring)
PALLAGA (Worried) You didn’t have sex with the map did you? There was a picture of me on that…
GIMLI No I didn’t. I liked the map, I really did, but I backed out at the last minute. (To GRANDELF) You probably wrecked the map, you probably got into one of your ‘cranky old man’ rages and punched it to pieces!
PIKI Don’t fight! Don’t fight! I’m getting pixie anxiety! (Starts doing her pixie distress calls)
GRANDELF (To GIMLI. Running towards him) I’ll show you who’s an old crank! (Attacks GIMLI. PALLAGA tries to break it up. PIKI runs around in circles, panicking)
PALLAGA Stop using violence to solve problems, Gandy!
GRANDELF Quiet the lot of you! I am very troubled …because ….despite my best efforts this quest has been an utter failure! (The others make disagreeing noises). I am worried that Pallaga isn’t strong enough to complete the task as Pants-wearer…
PALLAGA (Gasps, defiant) That’s not what you said before in my dream sequence!
GRANDELF …..Piki sings in her sleep so that I wake up with a piercing migraine…
PIKI Yeah well you say “you shall not pass” in your sleep!
GRANDELF And Gimli, the groin-obsessed freak says “groin” constantly!
GIMLI But GROIN is my last name, GROIN!!
GRANDELF And now he’s a pan-sexual, which is completely random! You all drive me nuts!!! I want to punch you all! Constantly and until you’re dead!!
PALLAGA (To GRANDELF) Yeah well you have all the traits of a female! Hot flushes, PMS…male menopause…. (GRANDELF threatens to hit PALLAGA and PALLAGA stops) I just wish you were as nice as Dream Sequence Grandelf….
GIMLI (To PALLAGA) You’re an annoying little brat who I have to carry all the time!
PIKI (To GIMLI) You eat all the food!
GRANDELF (To PIKI) You turned people into dishware and carry them around in your backpack!
GIMLI (To GRANDELF) You’re old!
PALLAGA (To GIMLI) I don’t like you!
HILDA enters, interrupting the fight.
HILDA Someone here to see you, I have allowed him 17 seconds.
PALLAGA You’re letting us have a visitor?
HILDA Well I don’t remember, he may have said he was a torturer (They gasp) or ….maybe it was an ice-cream salesman, I don’t know, at any rate I got bored with him so now I’m locking him in here with you….(Calls out in sing-song voice, luring him) Oh Mr Narrator, come in here for a moment!
NARRATOR enters. HILDA quickly runs out the door and locks it. She sings from outside.
NARRATOR (Addressing all) ….and that’s how the Narrator became trapped….
PALLAGA Wait you can help us, maybe?
NARRATOR No, I believe that this is where the story ends.
(They all look glum. The lights slowly fade to black.)
PALLAGA (Pause. Whiney) Wait! (Lights quickly up again.) It can’t end now! We’re fighting and everything, it’s the worst part of the story!
NARRATOR (Pulls out a script, and reads it) I am just the narrator! According to the laws of narration I can’t interfere with the happenings of Schmiddle-Earth. I help the audience understand what’s happening, not the characters for goodness sakes!
GIMLI No you must help! There must be something you know that could help us work this out?
NARRATOR (Sighs. Pause. Puts away script. Talks in a rush) Very well then, if you must know most of your arguments and mistrust of each other stems from Schmoopy, who whispered lies to all of you, including lying about his name, to turn you against each other to break up the party and allow him to more easily get his hands on the Pants of Power and rule Schmiddle-Earth through the absolute control of fashion which is made possible by the unique power of the pants to control people through controlling other garments. (Breathes in sharply to prepare for next rushed speech) Schmoopy had been following you the entire quest and kept trying to take the pants but kept failing so he stole your map then joined your party to be a guide since you needed him since you had no map then he lead you to danger like the crazy Box and the invisible people and this crazy woman so that you would die and he could take the Pants….(Out of breath)
GRANDELF Really? That dastard Schmoopy! If I get my hands on him (makes ‘strangling’ motion).
PALLAGA You should have told us this before! Why didn’t you?
NARRATOR (Suspiciously) Oh…I have my reasons. You’ll see. (Laughs evilly)
PIKI I don’t like you, narrator. But I really don’t like that Schmoopy!
GIMLI I’m so glad I trapped him in that box. (Chuckles) Good times!
GRANDELF Well he may be gone but we still need the Scarf of Sophistication, not to mention the map…
PIKI Um….guys…? That reminds me…I actually just remembered I found the map. Schmoopy dropped it when we trapped him in the box. I didn’t mean to hide it from you, I may be a very good thief, but I have a terrible memory of what I stole…Its very normal for pixies to be kleptomaniacs but also forgetful. (Shows the map)
GRANDELF Grrr you’re so annoying Piki…
PALLAGA It doesn’t matter now, we need to work together. Having us bickering is just what the Pants of Power wants- to see good folk torn apart and succumb to evil! But I’m not gonna let that happen! I’m the Pants-Wearer, damn it! I love you guys.
(They all hug and make loving sounds)
GRANDELF (Irritated) Yes, yes, everybody loves everybody…(Gets the map, they all sit in front of it, including NARRATOR). Now we are here, according to the picture of Pallaga, which places us quite close to the Kingdom of Gondoooor. One thing I know for certain is that the King of Gondoooor possesses the Mask of Motivation. All we need to do is convince him to let us borrow it, then using the magic of all the clothes together will allow Pallaga to enter the Dark Memordor gates. From there the Dark Lord Sourpuss will do his best to stop us. But I believe we can do it, and with all the magic items and the Pants on our side, I think we have a great chance to save Schmiddle-Earth from this dire evil. All we have to do is get out of here….
HILDA enters.
HILDA Who are you people? What are you doing in my beautiful prison cell?
PIKI You locked us in here!
HILDA Hmm maybe I did, I am extremely rich after all….Hmmm I suppose you want to get out. I wonder what you could use to do that? (Jangles keys). I’ll just jangle my keys while you think.
PIKI slowly walks up to HILDA, staring hypnotically at her. HILDA is confused. PIKI has her arms stretched out wide as she continues to approach.
GIMLI (Whispers) The door’s open, we don’t need the keys!
PIKI suddenly grabs the scarf from HILDA and runs towards the door.
PIKI I got the scarf! Go, go, go! They all run very quickly out the door.
HILDA (Pause. Looks around) Oooh my medication….
(Faints. Lights down)
ACT 2 SCENE 17 –PALLAGA’S TEST
Lights remain dim. Offstage there is soft moaning and groaning, which gradually gets louder. Suddenly there is frantic flashing offstage which can be seen in the room. GIMLI is having ‘sex’ with a lamp offstage, and is making loud noises, saying “groin” a lot. The other heroes enter. Lights stay dim. There is a table and chair in the middle of the room.
GRANDELF We are nearing Gondoooor now.
PIKI What’s that sound? (They look around at the flashing light)
PALLAGA Oh it sounds like Gimli. (Surprised) I thought it wasn’t that serious between him and the lamp.
PIKI Oh that’s so sweet!
GRANDELF Yes…well anyway here we are at the castle. (Pause. KING OF GONDOOOR enters. Play FF9 ‘beatrix’s theme’ softly. The king is very rigid and formal)
KING OF GONDOOOR Welcome to Gondooor, Grandelf the Grey. It has been a long time since I’ve seen you.
GRANDELF (Bows) It is good to see you too. We have journeyed long and far to see you. We intend to destroy the Pants of Power in Memordor, but we require one more magical item of clothing before we can enter there.
KING OF GONDOOOR I knew this day would come. You seek the Mask of Motivation.
(Sounds of GIMLI with the lamp get louder. The king looks perturbed. GRANDELF snaps)
GRANDELF Piki, make those two knock it off right now!
(PIKI runs offstage to ‘break it up’. The sounds cease. GIMLI eventually rejoins the others. Music fades out)
We indeed seek the Mask of Motivation. I have good reason to believe that Pallaga is The Chosen One destined to complete this dire task. We require the Mask of Motivation as our final item.
KING OF GONDOOOR (Looking at PALLAGA carefully) Hmmm, he’s a lot skinnier than the last ‘chosen one’. I will give him [Pause] a test. If he passes it to my satisfaction I will deem him worthy as The Chosen One and permit him to use the Mask of Motivation.
PALLAGA (To GRANDELF) There were other chosen ones? (GRANDELF makes a motion ‘I don’t know?’) Um what kind of test is it? Its not going to be all about boxes is it?
KING OF GONDOOOR (Gesturing to the table) Come sit down, it is a spoken and written test.
PALLAGA Oh good. (PALLAGA sighs with relief and sits down. The others stand together and watch him)
PIKI Go Pallaga!
KING OF GONDOOOR The first set of questions I will ask you out loud and you will answer out loud. This section is worth 4% of the total mark. The second part of the test you will answer the questions on this sheet and then give the sheet back to me for marking. The second section is worth 96% of the mark.
PALLAGA That’s absurd. Why is there such a difference?
KING OF GONDOOOR Well I did my Bachelor of Kingship at the University of Sydney-ney and that’s the kind of marking structure they used there, (Determined) so that’s how I intend to keep it! (PALLAGA sighs, worrying. Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’ softly. KING OF GONDOOOR starts a metronome ticking)
First question: If one griffin flies due south for 30 minutes at a speed of 5km/h and another griffin flies north west for 20 minutes at 7km/h, how many dragons were there?
PALLAGA Um…none?
KING OF GONDOOOR Correct. If I cast a smell spell or a panic spell what am I likely to be?
PALLAGA A dark wizard?
KING OF GONDOOOR Correct. Finish this sentence “sticks and stones will break my bones but words……….”
PALLAGA …..could be arranged into the form of a magic curse and used to harm me?
KING OF GONDOOOR Correct. How many fingers am I holding up? (Holds up 6 fingers)
PALLAGA Six.
KING OF GONDOOOR Correct. How many now? (Punches PALLAGA hard in the face, he still holds up six)
PALLAGA (Knocked off balance, woozy) Uh….um…..seventeen?
KING OF GONDOOOR Correct. You have scored 4 out of 4 for the first section. Now you must complete the written section.
GIMLI Go Pallaga!
PALLAGA But I can’t! The words are all swimming around the page because you punched me you meanie! (Turns to person in control of the sound) And can you please turn off that music, we are all tired of it now, and its really not helping me!
KING OF GONDOOR I’m sorry but nothing can be done.
(PALLAGA moans. He concentrates on the page, pencil in hand. He periodically gets excited and writes something then crosses something else out, turns the page around and upside down etc. After about 20s he is finished. Music stops, KING OF GONDOOOR stops the metronome)
PALLAGA Finished!
GRANDELF Just that was worth 96%?!?
PALLAGA There were only two questions on the page and they were both the same question, worded exactly the same!
KING OF GONDOOOR Now let me just mark that…(Marks the paper, which takes about 2 seconds). Well you got question 1 correct, but you somehow got question 2 wrong…which is amazing since they were exactly the same question…..(Puzzled) but this means you have a score of 48 out of 96 for the second section, giving you a total mark of 52 out of 100, meaning you pass the test! Congratulations, Chosen One, you may have the Mask of Motivation. Best of luck on your journey. (KING OF GONDOOOR takes the Mask of Motivation out of his cloak and hands it to PALLAGA)
PALLAGA Thank you so much, your majesty.
KING OF GONDOOOR Fare thee well……(Pulls a face. In stark contrast to his normally rigid, formal manner he starts talking in a very slow, relaxed way and his voice changes dramatically) wow I feel ….kind of weird……I don’t feel like being a king anymore…..I think I’m going to just stay home and play my guitar all day…….or maybe bum around Europe and study philosophy for a few years while I get my head together…whoah man!
GRANDELF I think by taking the Mask of Motivation from him the king has…well….lost his motivation to be a king……lets just get out of here! (The heroes exit. Play FF9 ‘alexandria’ into the next scene)
ACT 2 SCENE 18 - GATES OF MEMORDOR
Heroes enter on opposite side to that which they exited. Music stops. The large version of the map is placed on an upright stand so that the audience can see the route they had travelled. The ‘Pallaga’ head is near ‘Gondoooor’.)
GRANDELF Now according to the map the gates of Memordor are about 50 kilometres east. This means about three days march from here.
GIMLI That’s so far to go…
PIKI My pixie legs are aching…
PALLAGA Can’t we just take the train?
GRANDELF No. I wish there was a better way but….I’m afraid there isn’t….Come on, we need to get started….
(Pause)
PALLAGA (Pointing to the map) Wait a minute. This picture of me marks where we are, right?
GRANDELF (Pause. Feels PALLAGA is stating the bleeding obvious) Right…
PALLAGA So if we are here (Gestures around him), in Gondoooor, in real life, and we are also here (Pointing to marker on the map) in Gondooor on the map….(Speaks rather steadily as though unravelling some marvellous discovery) …..then if we want to be in Memordor in real life…..couldn’t we just…..move the marker on the map to Memordor, making us be in Memordor in real life?
GRANDELF (GRANDELF is numb with exasperation. Medium pause. Puts his hand on PALLAGA’s shoulder patronisingly) Pallaga, you are gradually becoming a better adventurer. You just proved to a king that you are worthy of being The Chosen One. You have somehow avoided giving the Pants up to that obsessed Schmoopy. Despite all this, however, (Getting louder and more incredulous) this idea of yours has to be, without a doubt, the dumbest, most hair-brained idea I have ever heard! It is so ridiculously, inconceivably, unbelievably stupid! Do you seriously think…
PALLAGA (Seemingly ignorant to GRANDELF) Hold on, I’ll try it out…
GRANDELF Pallaga you numbskull….!
(PALLAGA moves the cursor to ‘MEMORDOR’ on the map. Momentary pause, then flashing colourful lights and strobe lights for about 5 seconds. While this happens GATE ATTENDANT enters)
GATE ATTENDANT (Pause. Straight-faced, generic speech) Welcome to Memordor. Do you have any fruits or vegetables to declare before crossing the border?
PALLAGA See Gandy we’re here. I told you it would work. (Play FF9 ‘victory’ (repeating). Not comprehending how amazing the occurrence is). Let’s get ready to cross the gate. (PALLAGA starts putting on all of the magical items of clothing. The heroes just stare, jaws dropped)
GRANDELF (Almost insanely happy tone) We’re actually here. Pallaga you genius I love you! (Kisses PALLAGA).
GIMLI I love you too, Pallaga, though I love doorknobs more! (Hugs PALLAGA)
PIKI I…um….like you too….Pallaga. (Gives a brief hug)
PALLAGA Easy guys, there’s only so much Pallaga-love to go around!
(The heroes have not noticed that SCHMOOPY enters the scene, carrying the box he was trapped in. He goes up to PALLAGA while they are all hugging and hugs PALLAGA’s waist)
SCHMOOPY I love you too, Pants!
(GRANDELF pushes SCHMOOPY away from PALLAGA and drives his staff into the ground in SCHMOOPY’s face)
GRANDELF You shall not pass!!
GIMLI How did you get out of the box?
SCHMOOPY Getting out of the box was a long and arduous process, which I hope I never again have to repeat. What I did first was…….
GIMLI Quick! Grab him and put him back in the box!!
SCHMOOPY NNOOOO!!!
(The heroes quickly surround him and dump him in the box and seal it).
GRANDELF Comfy in there? You dastard! (Kicks the box)
PIKI Take that you naughty, naughty, naughty! (Kicks the box)
PALLAGA These pants are mine, mine! Get your own mysterious enchanted garment! (Kicks the box)
GIMLI Why did you carry the box all this way anyway, you buffoon! (Laughs and kicks the box)
SCHMOOPY Ow!! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Schmoopy dids all those things to you but I only dids them for the master! Master makes me get the Pants. He craves them, he needs them, and he forces my poor mind to think of nothing else!! Schmoopy can’t help himself!! Please be kind to poor Schmoopy! The master will never stop!!! (Starts blubbering, which shakes the box)
GRANDELF Who is the master? Who is compelling you to do this?
SCHMOOPY Its…..him! The Dark Lord of Memordor! He wants to control the world! He will stop at nothing. His evil eye sees everything!
(All the while GATE ATTENDANT remains unaffected by all this going on around him)
PALLAGA Well we plan to defeat Lord Sourpuss. We have many powerful magical items and we are not afraid of him!
GRANDELF (Quietly, to himself) That’s a good lad.
SCHMOOPY Please let me go!
GRANDELF Oh no, you’re not going anywhere. If Dark Lord Sourpuss is controlling you then if you escape you will run to him and tell him exactly where we are. You’re staying right here and coming with us, and we might just use you as ransom….or bait! (Bares his teeth with glee at the idea)
PIKI Yeah this is what you get for messing with us, you psycho freak witch! I’m so mad at you I wanna (Growls in a high pitch) turn you into a….…saucepan! (Raises arms as though about to cast a spell on him)
PALLAGA (Grabs her arm and holds her back) No stop, Piki! He’s not worth it! (PIKI eventually calms down. PALLAGA is determined) Now I have to put all the clothes on so we can enter the gates (Grabs all the clothes, names them as he puts them on “Scarf of Sophistication”, “Suit of Seduction” etc…. GRANDELF and GIMLI are talking to each other in the background)
PIKI (A bit hesitant) You know Pallaga….you’re a really good friend and everything……and I was wondering…….did you want to visit me in Gympieland some time when the quest is over and the Pants have been destroyed? (PALLAGA stops putting on clothes for a second)
PALLAGA (Sounds interested) Well, Piki, that sounds…
PIKI (Panicking) Oh no! (Chants a pixie magic spell and waves her hands in ‘spell casting’ motions, ‘Crystal world’ is played simultaneously, for a couple of seconds) Dippi wicki salli flippi!! (PALLAGA stops talking and seems to freeze, confused)
PALLAGA Piki, did you uhh…just say something to me? I seem to have forgotten everything for a moment…
PIKI Nope! I didn’t say anything….
(GIMLI and GRANDELF saw what happened)
GRANDELF I think Piki just used a pixie spell to steal your memory, Pallaga. Wow she is an amazing thief!
PALLAGA (Angry) Did she? Piki, why did you do that?!
PIKI Dippi wicki salli flippi!! (Waves her hands in same way as before, play ‘crystal world’ briefly again)
PALLAGA (Confused) Uh…..what just happened?
GIMLI She stole your memory again, Pallaga!
PALLAGA (Certain) Haha, I think I’d remember something like that!
GRANDELF (Groans) Never mind! Pallaga lets get going.
(PALLAGA puts the rest of the clothes on. Perhaps struggles again with the bra strap “I need a woman’s touch”. PALLAGA breathes in deeply when he finishes)
GRANDELF Now, Top Secret Heroes of Schmiddle Earth, Pallaga must read from this ancient elvish script to open the gate.
(Hands him the script. Lights dim. PALLAGA reads from the script. They are not words but silly sounds as though trying to attract a disobedient dog or small child. He speaks them for about 20 seconds. The gates ‘open’, signalled by the lights gradually darkening and FF9 ‘the dark messenger’ being played briefly. The heroes cheer)
PALLAGA Yes! We did it!
GATE ATTENDANT (Plain generic voice) Congratulations on opening the Gates of Memordor, O Great and Powerful Chosen One. Please get your hand stamped so you’re allowed to leave later. (They all line up to GATE ATTENDANT and get their hands stamped) I’m going now. (Exits quickly. Heroes, with Schmoopy in the box, leave through a door. Lights go dark, music continues into next scene)
ACT 2 SCENE 19 - MEMORDOR DAVID JONES, FINAL SHOWDOWN
NARRATOR enters.
NARRATOR The heroes of the Pants faced great dangers in the shadowy realm of Memordor. Every step brought them closer to the attention of the evil eye of Sourpuss. Since the Pants were getting closer to their place of creation, their evil hold on Pallaga grew tighter and tighter, weakening the Chosen One’s spirit. Finally they arrived at their destination, the place where the Pants of Power were made, the Memordor David Jones. Pallaga needed to somehow unmake the pants to drive their evil from Schmiddle-Earth forever, to save all good folk.
(NARRATOR exits. Heroes enter, followed by SCHMOOPY who walks in himself with the box on his head. PALLAGA is still wearing all of the magical clothing, but not the Pants. Music fades)
GRANDELF David Jones Memordor. The most evil, corrupt, and dark department store ever built! We need to find where the Pants were made…so that they can be unmade (ASSISTANT enters) hmmm I’ll just ask this guy. Which part of the store deals with unspeakably evil pants?
ASSISTANT (Casual) That would be the Department of Violence, Torture, and Mysterious Enchanted Garments, just over there. (Pointing)
GRANDELF Thanks.
(They walk a little way, finding a desk. They wait briefly then PALLAGA rings the bell. ASSISTANT enters again.)
ASSISTANT Yes?
PALLAGA Hey we just saw you.
ASSISTANT No you didn’t.
PALLAGA (Annoyed) Okay… anyway we would like to return these pants. (Holds out the Pants of Power)
ASSISTANT Sure, what’s wrong with them?
PALLAGA Well you know, they weren’t really my style, and they caused tremendous evil…(Quickly correcting) I mean itching.
ASSISTANT Fair enough. Uh do you have the receipt?
GRANDELF (To himself) Damn, we didn’t think about the receipt!
PALLAGA (Worrying) Um…um…..er……no I think I may have lost it…is that a problem?
ASSISTANT Hmm it might be, I’ll just check with the manager. (Goes offstage momentarily. There is a small wait then DARK LORD SOURPUSS enters. Play FF9 ‘the dark messenger’ briefly. He is clothed entirely in black, with a black cape, and a scary black mask and his face cannot be seen. He speaks in a deep baritone.)
DARK LORD SOURPUSS Welcome to David Jones Memordor. I am the Manager, how may I help you?
PALLAGA (Quietly) Whooh scary…(Normal volume) um I’d like to return these pants, but I don’t have the receipt.
DARK LORD SOURPUSS (Stares intently at the pants when he spots them). These pants? There is nothing wrong with those pants. They are perfect, perfect in every way. But I would be….happy to…destroy them…for you, Pallaga (Intense, holds out his hands to take the Pants)
PALLAGA (Scared of SOURPUSS, hesitates. The Pants’ have a strong pull on PALLAGA) ….you know….its really strange…..its really hard to….let them go…. but at the same time…..the Pants feel like they want to leap out to you, Mr Manager. (Staring intently at the Pants) Its…bizarre…(Pause) Wait how did you know my name?
DARK LORD SOURPUSS (Unsure) Uh…I’ve seen you Pallaga, I’ve seen you throughout your quest. (Bitter, but trying to hide it) I know that you beat Schmoopy to the Pants when they were on sale here, an accidental occurrence…you should never have had to carry such a burden, my friend. They will destroy you if you hold on to them long enough. I will…take care….of them, for you…
PALLAGA (Pause. Moves, about to hand them over, then pulls back) How did you know how I got the Pants? And how did you know about Schmoopy? (Pause) And your voice seems a little…familiar, come to think of it….
DARK LORD SOURPUSS (Angry) Look none of that matters…
PALLAGA (Realising, gasps) Hey you’re the NARRATOR!!
DARK LORD SOURPUSS (He actually is the NARRATOR) Ye…..NO!! I am not the narrator, we are two different people! (Turns to the audience, narrates). Pallaga immediately gives the Pants to the manager of David Jones Memordor.
PALLAGA Oh, okay (About to hand them over) No, wait! Its a trick!
DARK LORD SOURPUSS Okay, I admit I’m the NARRATOR!
PALLAGA Of all people you should understand, you’ve been following our story the whole time..…we really need them destroyed…..they are just so evil and we would really appreciate it if you could….you know…. unmake them….
DARK LORD SOURPUSS (Pause. Incredulous) Destroy them?!?!!? Unmake them?!?!? Are you insane?!?!? I’m sorry but as the manager of David Jones Memordor I cannot allow that to happen!! (More insistent than before) GIVE THEM TO ME!!! MY PREECCIIOOUUSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
SCHMOOPY (From inside the box) Masterrrr!! Maaaassssssttteeeeerrrrrrr!!! (Purring) Preciiiooouuussssss!!
DARK LORD SOURPUSS (Pointing at the box, shouting) You have failed me, Dr Schmoopy MD!!
(PALLAGA falls backwards onto the ground, very frightened of SOURPUSS. Play FF9 ‘the dark messenger’. The other heroes back off SOURPUSS and get ready for battle, GIMLI kicking the box on purpose as he backs off. SOURPUSS gets into a frenzied rage on the spot, twisting and turning into various poses and growling loudly)
GRANDELF (Shouting) It’s the Dark Lord Sourpuss!!! Pallaga, this is the moment we have been waiting for, you must defeat him!!! Only the Chosen One can defeat……him!!! Wear the Pants, now!!!
(PALLAGA puts on the Pants as quickly as possible. SOURPUSS continues to growl and writhe. GRANDELF throws PALLAGA’s mirror to PALLAGA)
I have made your mirror magical. It is now an evil reflector, it can reflect evil!! Good luck, Pallaga, I believe in you!!
GIMLI (Puts a thermos in PALLAGA’s hands) Take this, Pallaga. Inside is the most potent dwarf beer ever made. Drink it during battle, and it will give you the strength of 50 dwarves!! Smash that ugly creep! You can do it!
PIKI Pallaga! (Throws a small object to PALLAGA)
PALLAGA What’s this, Piki?
PIKI It’s a magic pixie stone. When you press it really hard, it will play my demo song for Schmiddle-Earth Idol. You can use it to distract him! Beat that naughty guy, Pallaga! (Blows a kiss)
PALLAGA Thanks, Piki, Grandelf, Gimli!!
(SOURPUSS stops writhing and raises his arm calmly. This forces PIKI, GIMLI, and GRANDELF to be pushed behind an invisible magic barrier which they cannot penetrate using any force or magic. They struggle vainly against the barrier throughout the battle)
GRANDELF An invisible magic barrier! We are trapped! Its up to you, Pallaga!
(PALLAGA breathes a deep breath. SOURPUSS focuses on him, suddenly pushing PALLAGA into a corner. He then throws PALLAGA roughly to the ground. PALLAGA tries hitting back but he is too weak for the savage attack. SOURPUSS picks him up, swings him around and slams him into the floor)
PALLAGA (Defiant) I’m never giving you the pants!! (He raises the mirror between his face and SOURPUSS. SOURPUSS screams and jumps backwards, stunned) Maybe you should look in the mirror sometime, you’re so scary your reflection hurts yourself!!
SOURPUSS You will give me the pants Beat when you’re dead. You fool. You have no hope of defeating me. I am immortal, I cannot die, I cannot be killed by a mortal. Give up now and give me the pants!! (Extending his arm threateningly)
PALLAGA (Still on the ground) So if you’re immortal, then you cannot be killed, right?
SOURPUSS Yes!!!
PALLAGA …but if you were unimmortal then you could be killed?
SOURPUSS YESSS!!!!!
PALLAGA ….so if you were not unimmortal, then you couldn’t be killed, but if you were not not unimmortal then you could be killed?
SOURPUSS RRRaaarrrrgggghhhh!! (Takes a swipe at PALLAGA but PALLAGA jumps out of the way just in time)
GRANDELF Good boy, Pallaga!!
PALLAGA (Quicker than before)….so then if you were not not un-unimmortal then you could be killed, (As though he has come across a massive revelation) BUUUUUTT if you were not not not not not not un-un-un-un-un…..
SOURPUSS (Interrupting) Shutup shutup shutup shutup!! I will tear you apart!! AAARRAAARARRARAGGGHHH!!!!!!
GRANDELF Now that monster knows how I feel all the time!!
PALLAGA (Whiney, stamps his foot) You didn’t let me finish! (Suddenly becomes very serious and evil-like) I DON’T LIKE BEING INTERRUPTED!! (In a very dramatic, ‘heroic’ motion PALLAGA throws the potent dwarf beer into SOURPUSS’s eyes. SOURPUSS screams in pain for a long time)
SOURPUSS I’m blind!! (Very aggressively swipes at PALLAGA blindly, clumsily, almost hitting him. PALLAGA only just manages to avoid being hit, dancing around. PALLAGA occasionally manages to get a little kick to SOURPUSS’s ankles before running away quickly to avoid being hit. Eventually PALLAGA jumps on SOURPUSS’s back. SOURPUSS spins around frantically, trying to knock him off. PALLAGA manages to stay on. He grabs the pixie stone PIKI gave him and presses it. A recording of PIKI singing her song, “how do you do today?” in a very high pitch is played (or else it is sung by PIKI if it cannot be recorded).
PALLAGA SUFFER THE WRATH OF A HIGH-PITCHED GIRL!!!! (Shoves the stone into SOURPUSS’s ear)
SOURPUSS Its in my ear!!! Its stuck in my ear!!! (Gives an ungodly scream. Screams and writhes on the floor in absolute agony as the song is played, it repeats about 3 or 4 times. Lights go crazy, strobe lights for about 10 seconds then lights completely dark. SOURPUSS ‘disappears’ – the actor playing SOURPUSS goes offstage. Music stops. PALLAGA collapses on the floor. GRANDELF, PIKI, and GIMLI are released from the invisible barrier and run to PALLAGA. Play FF9 ‘victory’, repeated many times)
PIKI You did it, you did it Pallaga!!
GIMLI Is he okay?
(Slight pause, then PALLAGA raises his head)
PALLAGA (Very overly dramatic and girly - ‘Frodo’-style; from LOTR) Grrrraaaaannnnnnddeeeeelllllffffff!!!! (Hugs GRANDELF) Gimli, Son of Groin!! (Hugs GIMLI) Piki!! (Hugs PIKI, they are all hugging him now. SCHMOOPY has escaped from the box and runs towards PALLAGA, very happy. PALLAGA is very happy to see him) Schmoopy!! (Hugs SCHMOOPY)
SCHMOOPY (Friendly, cheerful) I’m so sorry I was ever mean to you, Pallaga! Now that Dark Lord Sourpuss is destroyed I no longer am evil!! I was always planning to betray him and take the Pants for myself anyway!
PALLAGA That’s okay, Schmoopy!! I forgive you! You’re great!! (Hugs him again)
GRANDELF But what about the pants? We must still destroy them!
SCHMOOPY (Very, very eager) I’ll do it! (Takes the pants off PALLAGA as he lies on the ground. He goes offstage. They wait for a while)
GIMLI Oh no! I think that decrepit little monster has stolen the pants! (Soon after SCHMOOPY re-enters with a very tiny version of the pants on a tiny coathanger)
SCHMOOPY (Excited) The Pants are dry-clean only, so I put them in the wash, and they shrunk, which makes them impossible to wear and so no longer a serious evil threat to the good folk of Schmiddle-Earth!
GRANDELF (Looking around carefully at the audience) Well your story could be seen as a little flawed but I and everyone else in this room, buys it! Congratulations, Top Secret Heroes of Schmiddle-Earth, we have saved the world from the evil of the Pants!! (They all cheer, congratulating each other as they exit. Play FF9 ‘piano theme’ into next scene. Lights down)
ACT 2 SCENE 20 – THE FUTURE
(PIKI enters, FF9 ‘piano theme’ is still playing. Scene is in darkness, there is a chair facing away from the audience and SCHMOOPY and PALLAGA are on either side of it, frozen)
PIKI I’m the new narrator because that other guy is mean, [Pause] and also dead now… Well all was well in Schmiddle-Earth after the power of the Pants was vanquished. Gimli eventually married his long-time partner the lamp and now lives happily in Moria-a. Grandelf has now retired from wizardry and has written a novel called “You Shall Not Pass!” As for me, I went back to Gympieland and recorded an album of my greatest songs. It is a number 1 smash hit in Gympieland but for some reason isn’t doing as well in other lands. Pallaga visits me often in Gympieland. He doesn’t mind my constant high-pitched singing, he understands I have a career now. (Fade out music)
Pallaga and Schmoopy were both passionate about fashion and decided to band together to produce their own line of clothing called, “Power Pants”. Schmoopy did the design and Pallaga modelled them on catwalks all around Schmiddle-Earth. They also host their own show, “Pallaga Eye for the Straight Guy”. Pallaga’s not gay……but his impeccable sense of style has made the show a smash success. Here is the latest episode.
(Lights up. Both PALLAGA and SCHMOOPY are wearing stylish ‘metrosexual’ clothes)
PALLAGA Oh lets just work on the eyeliner (Works on the face of the unseen ‘guest’)
SCHMOOPY I don’t know these bags under your eyes just scream, “I’m old! Please make me pretty mister metrosexual man!”
PALLAGA Just one more adjustment and…..there! I think the world’s ready to meet you (Turns the chair around so the guest faces the audience) Grandelf the Pink! (Grandelf is wearing a bright pink garment and has his face dabbed with heavy makeup. SCHMOOPY hands GRANDELF a mirror)
SCHMOOPY What do you think, darling?
(GRANDELF looks in the mirror)
GRANDELF (Extremely mad) PAALLLLAAAAGGGAAAAA!!!!!! (PALLAGA looks at SCHMOOPY)
PALLAGA Let’s run!
Play ‘Benny Hill Theme’ as GRANDELF briefly chases PALLAGA in circles around the room, and eventually offstage.
SCHMOOPY I’ll save you, Pallaga! (As he runs after them he spots something on the ground. It is the shrunken Pants of Power.) Oh no it’s the Pants! The Pants of Power! (Suddenly B.PUPPET re-emerges)
B.PUPPET The Pants! Where? Where, my precious! (SCHMOOPY ‘shows’ them to the puppet)
SCHMOOPY They are too small to cause any harm now…..they are far too small [Pause] for me….
B.PUPPET But not too small for a size ½ finger puppet!!! Put them on me!! (SCHMOOPY slowly, dramatically fits the pants over B.PUPPET’s body.)
Now…. listen to me Schmoopy!
SCHMOOPY (Eyes glazed. Focusing robotically on B.PUPPET) Yes…..master….
(Lights down. Play FF9 ‘iifa tree’)
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