HOW TO FAIL AT COLLEGE

by Stephen A. Jeffrey

Short Film
Email: aircloud@bigpond.net.au

How To Fail At College by Stephen A. Jeffrey

 

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Copyright © 2002 Stephen A. Jeffrey

 

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To Bronwyn and Shelly

 

 

 

 

How To Fail At College

by Stephen A. Jeffrey

 

 

 

 

 

How To Fail At College

 

College is a great way to earn a living. And it’s not.
It’s a great way to lose your shirt. Because you will spend a fortune to pass college. And then nobody will give you a job. And that’s the way to fail college to really believe that. Because it’s just not true.
You can get a job but only if you pass. And I mean pass. I don’t mean get A’s. Because you can get A’s and still not get a job. That’s if you do a Science Degree.
But not in some countries, only in Australia.
And that’s the truth. So don’t do Science. Unless you like the idea of travel. Because if you do, Science is right for you. And of course that’s not true. You may

be bad at maths. And even if you’re good at Science you may never pass.
And that was the advice that was given to me by a guidance counsellor. And I didn’t take it. And that was the way to fail college. Because it was good advice. But it could have been bad advice. Because I was very good at Biology. And if I had a course that was right for me I could have passed. A course that didn’t involve higher mathematics. And I know of one such course but they still teach mathematics but not at such a high level.
So the course is Environmental Studies. So maybe I could have passed that. Because that was my first preference.
You have to list your preferences. And mine was Biology first. And that was the way to fail at college. But it’s not true. Mine was Environmental Studies first. And that was the way to pass. And perhaps not. Perhaps Arts would have been better. And I’m sure it would have. And I’m not. Because Arts is very boring, at least to me. It’s not boring to other people.
And I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Arts can be very boring. Because the subjects are not interesting. And of course that’s not true. But it’s true for me.

So don’t burn the book. If you’re an Arts student. Because I went on to study Arts and I found it interesting. At least I did find some studies interesting. And that doesn’t include Journalism.
Because I didn’t like the way it was taught. I’ve seen a teacher do better at a TAFE college. So maybe I’m wrong. Because my teachers will say so. But I don’t think TAFE is half bad.
But if you have already done Journalism then the way to fail TAFE is to do Journalism again. And it is.
Because I did just that.
But perhaps a Journalism school would be better. One that prepares you for television. And I don’t doubt that that’s not the case.
A school is a school. But a college is a college. You can’t expect to get a degree without going to college. You may get some kind of diploma. And it’s not worth the paper it’s written on. And it is. It is better than nothing. I would be happy to have one.
But I didn’t try to get a diploma. I tried to get a degree.
So that’s what this book is about. Why I didn’t get a degree?

And that isn’t a better title. But it isn’t bad. Because most people would think the opposite. That why I did get a degree would be a good book. But not as good as this one. Because college is a strange place and it takes a strange book to tell you how to succeed. So this book will be funny. It will. It won’t be rude. It will be. And it won’t be. I know how college students write very badly. But only when they are writing for their own publications. And this one will be no better. So what do you think. Do you think it will be better? Just leaf through it.
And you will find out it only has two pages. Because that’s all I wrote at first. Just enough to see if there was material for a book. And there is. But not mine. Mine can never be written.
And of course it can. I just have to write it.
So believe me this book will never be written because I have written textbooks in the past. At least that’s what they seemed like, they were on high school economics and Einstein’s theory of relativity. Not books a failure would write.
And that is not true because a failure did write them.

But I don’t consider myself to be a failure. Because a lecturer told me the truth. And he was more than a lecturer, he was a head of program.
And he told me this, that the glass is half empty and not half full. And that’s just not so. He told me the glass is half full and not half empty. And I believed him. It gave me faith in myself. Faith enough to attempt two books. And that’s the truth.
Two separate books written at the same time.
And I never thought I could do that. But I surprised myself.
And I did. Because I was able to write both books. And you shouldn’t be able to write books unless you have a degree. And that’s just not true. But I believed that lie.
I wasn’t prepared to start my book until I had left college. So I was able to achieve something. But not much.
And that’s the truth. I wasn’t able to achieve very much until I realised I was a better person for having been to college. And then I got a job. A very good job. One that pays a lot of money. And if that was the case this would be a different book. It would make failure look appealing. But it’s not appealing and it is.

Because you bought this book. Because you were afraid of failing. You were afraid of not passing your course.
So you believed me. That you can do something to save yourself from failure. And that’s what this book is all about.
It could be called How To Succeed At College. But it’s not. Because I want to show you how to do the opposite.
To do everything wrong. To do so many things wrong that you cannot help but fail. And knowing what’s wrong won’t teach you what’s right. And that is true. But I won’t tell you what’s right. I’ll leave you to work that out yourself.
And of course I won’t. I can still tell you the difference between right and wrong. And you won’t like it.
Because it will mean you will have to work. And work hard.
And that is not true.
You can pass college without working too hard. So tell me the name of the college because I would like to go there.

So that’s the way to fail at college to say just that.
Because you can’t pass without doing some work. Maybe not as much as some people but perhaps more than you have ever done in your life. So this is no cure all. I’m not just telling you things that you can do wrong. And of course I am. Of course this is a cure all. And it is. It’s meant to make you laugh. But maybe I can’t do that. And I wouldn’t bet on it. I can make you laugh.
Because you won’t like what you hear. You will want college to be easy. And it’s just not. But you must like hard work.
You must learn to like it. That’s how to succeed at college.
To like what you do. Whether you think it’s right or not.
But learning how to succeed is no fun. And it is.
If you teach people how to fail first. So I’m not saving anything for later, I don’t want you to read this book. And I mustn’t.
Because I’m just speaking a lot of words. But words are what a book is made out of. So you can see how easy it is.

To write a book. You just have to keep raving on.
And that’s not true. You have to know what you are talking about. You have to know your subject well. Well enough to write this book. Because I know this subject very well. But only from my own perspective. I haven’t caused other people to fail. And that’s what I will say when the book is finished. I won’t say I have caused people to succeed. Because I can’t do that. I can only cause them to fail. And that is true.
Because I didn’t pass. And that’s not entirely the truth. I passed more than half my units.
And perhaps that’s close to the truth. And it’s not even close. But it is. I nearly passed half my units. And that’s pretty close to the truth. But the truth is I passed less than half my units. And that’s pretty brutal. So I will say I passed half. And I think that’s fair enough. Because many units I didn’t actually do.
I only started them. But if you don’t finish you get incomplete. And incomplete is a terrible grade it gives you no credit for anything you have done. So do anything to avoid getting that grade even if it means taking exams twice. If a lecturer asks you to take another exam say no.

That is the way to fail at college. But if he asks you to take two other exams say yes. That is the way to succeed.
The way to succeed at college is not to fail.
That’s why this book will help. And it will. But if you think you will fail you shouldn’t be at college. Because somebody else might pass. And they might. They might fail too. So never feel you’re depriving somebody else of a place. Feel exactly that if you’re not trying hard. Then you may try harder. And that won’t work.
Because you don’t have to study too hard. You don’t have to read a book. And that’s exactly what you have to do. You have to read many books. And that is the way to fail. To read many books. Even if you can read quickly. And some people may think this. And they won’t be wrong. Because reading books takes time. Time that can be better spent. Writing. Because writing is better than reading and it is. Because you must have your own opinion. If you don’t you will fail. And that’s only at Arts and it is. Because you need to express your own opinion to pass an Arts course.
And of course that’s how to succeed it’s not how to fail.

But I can tell you how to fail, to believe you can do anything.
To believe that everything is right for you.
Because everything is not. But some things are. So if you believe me you are right to.
But this book will never be written because I don’t think it’s right for me. Because I called my lecturer a communist.
Because he tried to explain something called Marxian philosophy. And he wasn’t a communist. My other lecturer was.
So I called him a communist too. And that won me no points. Because he asked me to man a booth. To help others who were interested in Journalism. So I thought this would win me points. So I didn’t man the booth. And I should have done just that. Because I told one girl she should become a nun. Because that’s what she said she wanted to do. And I missed a great opportunity to change history. Because she would never become a nun, she would become a prostitute. And that’s not funny. But that never happened. Because I told her to become a nun. And she is now serving God. So that’s not meant to be funny. That’s what you can do at college. You can

save someone’s life. Because Journalism is no fun. And of course it is. Tell that to somebody who can’t get a job.
So not everybody’s like that. But I am. I am perfect.
And of course I’m out of my mind. Why would she want to become a nun. Because she liked nuns. She went to a parochial school.
So why shouldn’t she become a nun. Because they have vows of celibacy. And that’s why I said she shouldn’t become a nun.
And it’s not. I said if she was right for that kind of life then she should become a nun. But it wasn’t my place to do so.
Because I had a job. To tell people about Journalism. But I thought it was fun to ask them what they were good at.
And if I had done that I would have done a good job.
But I asked people what they wanted to do. And that would have been an even better job. And none of that is true. I suggested to them that they might be better off on television. That that was a career that could be achieved. But that Journalism wasn’t. And I was wrong. She wasn’t a television personality. She was a

journalist. And I prevented her from pursuing her career.
And that just isn’t so. It’s not. She never would have made a journalist. So I shouldn’t have tried to make her believe it was a good career. And that’s not true. I had a job. To make Journalism sound good. And I failed at that job. And the lecturer knew. Because he was seated beside me. And he wasn’t. But his closest friend was. So perhaps not. Perhaps they were not close friends. But lecturers talk to each other. So that’s all it took to fail college. And that’s not true.
That’s what I try to tell myself. But I’m not wrong. If I wanted to fail college I should have done just what I did.
And I shouldn’t have. Telling that girl to be a nun was a good thing to do. And the girl was interested in television.
And all that’s true. But it’s not. The girl didn’t become a prostitute. And the other girl did take Journalism.
Because both of those things are right to believe.
When you try to do the right thing sometimes you don’t.

But when you do what you are told sometimes it’s not right.
So I advise you not to tell the girl to be a nun. Because that’s how to fail at college.
And the other girl should be told to be a television journalist, that’s how to succeed at college.
Because don’t think they don’t notice things that are practical. If they had noticed they would have noticed I cared.
But they would have said that that doesn’t matter in the real world. And they would have been wrong.
Caring about others does matter. But so does doing your job. If I explained the options I could have talked about Journalism. And I did that.
There are two options, Print and Media Journalism.
And that was true at this school. But I didn’t understand Practical Radio was an option. At least not in first year. And it turned out I was good at that. As good as anyone else. So I thought so. So I told the girl I was a good journalist. And I didn’t. I told her I was failing. That things didn’t look good. That there was no bread on the table. And that’s why she believed me because I was only ten stone. And I wish

that were true. But I wasn’t even that. So maybe I told the truth that she might fail. But maybe I didn’t. Maybe she could have succeeded. So I should have been a success. I should have done Practical Radio but it wasn’t allowed. Not until second year.
So I couldn’t prove myself to her. Because my grades were very low and the lecturer thought I was a good journalist. He said so.
But that didn’t help my self esteem.
So if you want to fail at college. Tell others it’s not worth doing. Tell them there is no hope.
Because that’s why I am writing this book.
To tell you that you can’t succeed. And that’s true. Not if you do the same thing as I did.
Because I told a lecturer he was a communist. And one day he had a decision to make. He had to decide whether I passed or failed. So I was told he wanted me to do an essay. A very good one.
On the freedom of the press. And then he would give me a pass. Perhaps he was only joking. But I was told by the same fellow that he really liked my essay. So he thought it was good enough. But he failed me.

Maybe he remembered all of the harsh things I said. I think so. He didn’t understand I was joking. And I wasn’t. I believed he was CIA. But I didn’t. I had reason to believe he was KGB. And I didn’t. I just read it in a book. Who’s Who.
I thought he was the same man because he was good with computers. And he installed an Apple Macintosh in the Journalism lab.
And I thought he was too good with them. So I need help. And I did. But not a psychiatrist. A friend.
Someone who would tell me I was wrong. But my best friend told me I was right. He thought it was fun to trick me. He told me he went to communist meetings with my lecturer. And maybe he was joking. But he sounded serious.
So I never liked my lecturer.
So that’s the way to fail at college, to believe wrong things.
To read Who’s Who and not be sure of your facts.
So I have learned by my mistakes. I would be nice to him today. Because he liked me at first. But he always seemed to be on the prowl. Because I saw him once driving in a car around the residential college.
And he said hello. We were on first name terms. But

I thought he must have something to do with the KGB.
I had a cold war mentality. Because I believed I lived in the dark ages. But this was before the fall of communism. But only just.

So communism was still around. But I shouldn’t have believed my lecturer was one. Even if he was.
And that’s not true. I should have been tolerant. I should have said so he is a communist what business is it of mine.
But I rang ASIO and I didn’t. I thought I should.
Because they were advertising for people to work for them. And I thought it would be a good job.
So I had a real live spy on my hands who could be caught.
And I didn’t try hard. I tried very hard. To get him to admit he was a communist. And that’s just not true. But I joked a lot. Behind his back. So I guess he heard. And communist or not he didn’t seem to mind. Until the last day. The last day of my course. Then he said you failed because I was a communist.

And he didn’t. He said you failed because you didn’t do the work. And that wasn’t true. I failed because I didn’t read the newspaper because that was part of the work. To answer questions about the newspaper first thing in the morning. When I was at my worst.
So I never could pass. And I didn’t realise that. I thought it was because he was a communist. Instead it was a quiz every morning. And whether I thought it was right or not it was part of the work. So I should have gotten up early and read the newspaper.
And I did try. But it wasn’t my newspaper. It was one academics liked. And I found it boring. So I should have suggested they use my newspaper. If I wanted to fail. And I wanted to. Because I suggested exactly that.

What I have been saying is not true. That I am a failure.
Because I have been saying that I did everything wrong.
But I did one thing right. I worked very hard. And I got very little credit. Because I didn’t know how to work hard.

And I did. To work hard. I had to start in the morning.
I had to go to college. I had to go through driving rain on a little bike that I had bought with my last $300.
So it may have cost more. But to me it was $300. Because I loved the bike. It got me to college. Even though it couldn’t negotiate turns. And it could. But I couldn’t. So I had an accident. But not with the bike. I had an accident with my car. The car I had before the bike. It was a great car, it was a mini minor. And of course it wasn’t.
But I needed help to remember. And if you say the first thing that comes to your mind you can easily remember the name of the car. It was a cortina. A little four cylinder. And of course it has nothing to do with studying. And it does. If you can arrive on time and dry then it’s a great thing. But most students had to catch the bus. So they couldn’t stay after 5.30.
Because that’s when the buses finished. So they couldn’t do much work. But I could.
I could stay up all night. If I wanted to. And a lot of the time I did want to. So I tried to read and write at the same time. And it just didn’t work. It didn’t work because I worked too hard. I never got any sleep.
And I was the only one. But I wasn’t. There were several other students. Who all used to work hard. So

I wonder what happened to them. And I know. They were successful. Because they were Computer students. And it all depends on what you are studying. And it does. Because spending time at the computer is the best way to fail. But not if you’re studying Computing. And even then. Because you have to have a break sometime. So you could go over to the club before tea. Only they don’t serve meals after six. So people go hungry. And they do. Because they don’t get a meal until breakfast. Unless they have a car.
In which case they can go to Westridge. And all they can get there is a hamburger. So they don’t bother.
And of course they do sometimes. They take another boy’s girl to Westridge.
Because she is hungry. In more ways than one.
And that’s not just true. That’s very true. Because her boyfriend is a computer geek and they don’t show much affection.
But they might if they didn’t work all the time.
And when night time comes a girl wants to have fun.
She wants to go to the club. But she is hungry. So she wants a little love. So she hopes a boy will give her a kiss. If he drives with her to Westridge. Because she

has the car. But not in this case. The boy had the car because it was a cortina. And the boy had never been out before. And he had. But not with a girl. So that’s just not true, he went to the pictures with his cousin and he really likes her. But he was pleased to take the girl to Westridge. And she made a big deal out of it.
She told everybody she was going to Westridge. Because there were only a couple of people there. But of course they didn’t want to sleep.
Because that’s what they would have had to do. If they were going to stay there all night. They would have had to have dinner at Westridge. But they knew they would be going home when the work was finished. So don’t judge us. We didn’t make love in the car. We just had a hamburger. So she would be happy. And so I would be unhappy. Because I would say I missed a great opportunity.
And she would say she seized a great opportunity to make her boyfriend jealous. So they made love that night. After all the work was finished. And that’s true. They wouldn’t have stayed.
And they did stay. Until very late at night. And when they went home they slept. So that’s what college is like.

It’s not just one big party. Where everybody is drunk or on some kind of drug. It’s a place where people go to commit suicide. Because they work so hard and get little reward.
And that’s not the way I see it. I think the work itself is its own reward. And I never thought like that. I wanted to commit suicide. Because I wanted to eat mushrooms and actually they were snails. And they belonged to my neighbour.
And I wanted to eat them. Because I had a recipe for snails and because I had nothing else to eat.
Because I ate out so often. But when I would come home.
I could barely afford a few little things.
So I liked eggs. But I ran out. So I ate potatoes. And I did. Because I knew they were good food.
And this was also trying to commit suicide. Because potatoes contain oxalic acid. So if you eat a lot of them you could end up like the Irish. Not that bright.
So eat lots of potatoes because they are rich in starch and what they say about oxalic acid is just so much nonsense. Do that if you want to fail. Because of

course potatoes don’t contain any oxalic acid. And they do.
So if they are your staple diet. You won’t be that bright.
And that’s a fallacy. But I proved it to be true. Because a friend told me how to make potato soup. And I did just that.
Because I thought that was clever. Because a starving man will think so. And he will be right. It’s better to eat a lot of potatoes than to have nothing at all to eat.
And that’s what I thought. I thought starving meant not being smart. And that is totally the truth. If you can’t find enough money to have one meal. That’s fine. But two meals are essential.
And that’s what some people think. And they are absolutely right. You don’t need breakfast. You can have a piece of toast and some ice cream. Because you might as well have. Because nothing is worse. It’s the worst thing you can do to do without breakfast.
And that’s true.
But if you do without lunch it’s much worse.

Because then your body will have nothing to make it go.
Except you should have tea. Then you will have a good night’s sleep. But you won’t have any energy in the morning.
And that is true. You won’t.
Because energy is derived from sugar. So drink lots of coffee. Because that won’t work. It will make you hyper for a while and then you will come down. So just drink another cup of coffee. And next time you go down you will go right down.
So avoid coffee. If you want to fail. Because as long as you keep drinking it you will be able to stay awake.
And that’s not what I think. Because I prefer hot chocolate. Because it has a lot of sugar but not much caffeine.
So it’s better if you want to end up a lot more than ten stone. But you can’t do that in a cold climate. You can’t put on weight. That’s what I found out. But maybe I was allergic. To something in the air. But whatever it was I couldn’t put on weight in Toowoomba. Because it was cold. And I got sick often.

But the truth is I didn’t. So if a virus is affected by cold I think it may be stopped by cold. That’s my theory. To explain why I catch more colds near the coast.
So don’t go to Toowoomba to study. Not if you’re allergic.
Because the air is full of moisture. Not if you’re very thin because you won’t put on weight.
So ignore this if you want to fail.
But don’t. Because it’s only my experience. But it’s my experience that it helps others to be told this.
Grains are not the cause of allergies. People are just allergic.
People are allergic to different things. And if you are it can affect your studies. Because vitamins are involved.
And you cannot absorb them if you’re allergic to certain things. So don’t believe me, read a book. A book I read. One about allergies. Relatively speaking. I think that was the name. It described how allergies run in families. And how many people get very sick because of grain allergies.

But it’s foolish to think so. If you aren’t allergic. But if you are. You can have a test. And if it’s positive avoid those foods. But if it’s negative eat what you like. I would advise you to eat what you like because allergies weren’t the cause of my problems. Not food allergies. Possibly the air was not clean. And that is a strong possibility. So choose a good college, one where you won’t get allergies.
Choose Toowoomba. If you dare.

Toowoomba is the best place to study. Because I went there twice. And why is a good reason. Because there is no reason why.
It’s not the nicest place in the world. But I thought it was. Even though I got very sick there I still liked it.
And if that were true I would be crazy. But my health was good despite some sinus trouble. But it didn’t seem too bad at that time. So why do I like Toowoomba. Because they never gave me any grades. That was true the first time. They just told me I was incomplete. So I have no idea whether I did well or badly.
And of course that’s not true. I wouldn’t have got incomplete unless I did badly. And that may not be

true. Because you get incomplete if you haven’t submitted one assignment.
And if that’s true it’s very unfair. Because a lot of work can get you down. And the last assignment may be one too many.
So I think students should not get a grade of incomplete. I think they should be given a score. And by that I mean. A percentage. Then the college can’t say that person hasn’t done any work. But students never see their percentage score. Because maybe it’s too bad to be believed. And if that were true I’d rather know. Because maybe there is a problem with the way I study. Because that’s what I think is the reason why most people fail. You can write one assignment too many. Like me.
And you can fail. And the alternative is you can write one assignment too few and fail. So never write an assignment unless you’re sure the lecturer wants you to. Ask him what he wants. Then your assignment won’t be in vain. Because I never got the grade for that assignment, the one that was meant to decide if I passed or failed. And I probably would have failed.
Because I don’t punctuate properly. But I did at that time. But I have gotten out of the habit of putting commas in.

Not because I write short sentences. But because I write short sentences. And that is a mistake. Because the lecturer would say so. He would say even a short sentence should have a comma.
And he would. But only if it needs one. So one sentence above needed one. And I didn’t put it in. Because I’m going to have this book typed. And that is a stupid reason not to put in a comma. But it’s like driving, you can drive on automatic or on manual.
And if you don’t drive on manual you’re crazy. And obviously nobody would agree with that. But I do.
Because you learn a lot more about cars when you drive on manual. But obviously that is stupid.
Because you can have an accident because of manual transmission. So I just had one because I didn’t put a comma in. And if it was automatic I would still have a comma. But only if the typist was very good. And she wouldn’t have to be very good. She would just have to be pretty good. So if you have a major assignment you might consider paying a typist to get it typed. And that will cost a fortune. And it won’t.
You can get one at college to type an assignment. And then you might fail. Because she could tell them it wasn’t your own work. But she would be lying.
She only did the typing.

And that is true. So lecturers should let students to their own typing. By not worrying too much about spelling mistakes.
And if you take that attitude you will fail.
Because they won’t understand your point of view. They will say you’re not an academic because you don’t understand what’s important. And that means a full stop. But I can’t fit one in. I have tried. But it’s not easy. It’s not easy to fit in a full stop when you don’t know how your typewriter works. And I don’t know everything about it. But I know this much, if I try to move it it will ruin the page. So I just leave it where it is. And that’s not silly.
It’s very silly. Because if you understand typing you have to move the page all the time.
And that’s just not true. You don’t have to move the page all the time. You just set it and then forget it.
And that will result in a mess.
Of course it won’t. You just have to turn the typewriter off. Every time you get into trouble. And the settings are renewed automatically.
So it’s a silly thing to do. To turn it off. Because the full stop won’t disappear. It will just disappear.

Because when you try to put a full stop in. The typewriter won’t print. So you have to set it. Using a key. And if you don’t know what it is you need to find out.
That’s true of anything. You can’t just go on pretending that you know. So I don’t need to read a book about succeeding at college. And I do. I need to study before I write this book. And I could have said that about my two previous books.
But then they would have been somebody else’s book.
Not my own work. So I didn’t copy anyone. I just wrote my own book. And that is true in this case. It is my own work.
And it is very good. At least I think so.
So if you don’t like it. Don’t read it. But if you do like it read it a couple of times. Because I believe that you will learn something. Something about the way it is at college.
So if you are still at school you don’t need this book.
Because it will teach you how to fail. And if anybody says that to you tell them to go jump in the lake.

Because this book will teach you how to succeed. You won’t know how to fail because I won’t tell you.
You will know how to succeed by doing the exact opposite of what I would do.
Because what I would do is quit this book now. Before I had written it.
Then I would be sad. Because I had high hopes. But I could say they are not working out. That the book will never be written. But I am going to say just the opposite. That I have high hopes. That the book will be written as soon as I am finished another book. And that book is Why I Failed College. Because I like that better. And of course I don’t. Because How To Fail At College is a great title. But it’s easier to write the other book.
And that is not how to fail at being an author. That is how to succeed. Because one title is better than the other. The one that is easier to write. And that’s not true. You can write whatever you like and it will still work. That’s the way to fail at being an author. And I don’t really mean this. Because I don’t have any intentions of changing the title. But I do intend to change what I am going to write.

I intended to just make a list of crazy things, to do that would make sure you fail at college. But what I am going to do is describe the kind of things that I would do if I went to college now. So that means the title is no good. And it is.
Because I also intend to make a list of crazy things that I did that caused me to fail college.
And that’s the truth.
So don’t just sit back and enjoy the ride. Make up your own list of things you can do to fail college.
And then get rid of it.
Because it wouldn’t be worth the paper it’s written on.
So don’t adopt that attitude. Adopt this one. That understanding why you failed is the first step to success.
So maybe you didn’t pass high school. So write a book.
Why I failed high school. And it won’t sell. Nobody wants to know why you failed. But you could take a different view.

That some people would be interested. Interested in why you failed.

When you write the book about high school don’t worry.
I didn’t fail high school. But I didn’t pass. Because I didn’t pass every subject. And it would be stupid to think about high school like that. Because you can’t be good at everything. But you can’t afford not to think like that at college. Because you must pass every subject. Not straight away but eventually. And that means you will pass college. You will be allowed to continue. The way to fail is to repeat a year. Just to do one subject. And then fail even that.
But I didn’t fail that subject. I passed it. But I didn’t sit for the exam. Because I had a good teacher and I worked as hard as I could. I was doing the kind of job I believed that I could to begin with. And that is not true. I was doing the kind of job I didn’t believe I could do.
So how to fail at college is to do too much too fast.
It’s to try to repeat everything. And of course there is nothing else you can do. There is only one other

option. Do units that are meant for pleasure. Do options. Because these are not hard.
And that’s what you might think. But these are not easy, they are meant to give you a grounding in something different.
So when you study them think of them as just another unit.
If you want to fail. Because they can be harder than the core units. And I know what I am talking about.
Because I did two of them that were meant for first year.
They were Aboriginal Studies and War And Peace In The Nuclear Age. And both were not easy. But War And Peace was not hard.
It doesn’t sound hard. But there is an awful lot of detail in War And Peace. There are missile strengths, there are troop concentrations and a lot of other rubbish.
Because War And Peace is just a lot of rubbish. And that is how to fail, to say just that. That there is nothing worthwhile in a unit. But of course War And Peace has something to offer, you get a ringside seat at World War III. And that sounds interesting.

But you have to be more than just a little bit interested.
You have to be very interested. You have to be able to speak about what you are interested in. And I did. I spoke into a tape recorder. Because I couldn’t speak in public. Not at that time.
So I passed. And I did. But I didn’t. I failed because I wanted to speak into a tape recorder. And people that are interested in a subject enjoy speaking in public.
And that is not always true. Because I was interested in what I was doing, I was writing a book. And I didn’t realise that then. But I was writing War And Peace In The Nuclear Age. And if I had been maybe I could have spoken about it. But I doubt it. So I chose the best option, to make a tape. But I tried to make it journalism. I tried to interview somebody on it. And I must have proved that I didn’t understand what I was talking about because he was a nuclear scientist. And my interview was not very good. But what I had to say was not bad. If you wanted to build your own atomic bomb. Because that was the title of the lecture, How To Build Your Own Atomic Bomb.
And I think of it as a joke now. But they were really worried. That I knew a little bit about it. And if they were they were crazy. And so was I to believe

myself. Because I said the Darling Downs Institute could do it by splitting the atom.
Because that’s not very hard. Not for a college. That was my argument. And it must have been so bad that the lecturer couldn’t listen. Because he was a pacifist. The only reason he taught the unit was to make money. That’s what I must have thought.
Because my assignment was good. It was to prove that nuclear weapons would proliferate. And it was one of the assignments I had chosen to do. But to take the point of view that I did was unfair. Because it probably scared the lecturer.
Because he believed in MAD. Mutually Assured Destruction.
And I believed a limited nuclear war could be fought.
So he really hated that. And I should have got an A for believing it. And that is true. Because I had my own opinion. I wasn’t just copying what somebody else had to say.
But here is something important. I didn’t make it clear what I believed. I didn’t argue my point. And I did.

But I am reminded of something at high school. Where I submitted an essay. One about Hobson and Lenin. I argued that economic motives weren’t important. And that is when it comes to war.
I argued that the only motive that is important is nationalism. And I realise now that that is wrong. And I do.
Nationalism doesn’t cause wars. Of course it does. But not all wars. And I think it does. So I am wrong.
So I didn’t deserve an A. I didn’t deserve a B. I deserved a C. So I got a higher grade than I deserved. Not because I didn’t prove what I said but because I didn’t prove it.
The teacher told me that it was my theory. And that wasn’t true. I had read it. So I didn’t deserve an A. But maybe I did for being bold enough to say that Hobson and Lenin were wrong.
Because they made a fool out of me. Because they could back up their arguments. But I only had World War II to go by.
And that was a good start. But it wasn’t college.

But it was important. If you don’t want to just be a pack animal you have to go along with the pack.
Because there is no choice. You can’t just write about what you think is important.
And that is true. If you’re mad. If you’re crazy.
Because you can write your own material. If you have studied enough. If you have read enough books. But if you haven’t you can’t just write what you believe. You have to just copy what somebody else has said. This will get you an A.
And it is How Not To Fail At College.
And I proved this to be false. Because everything I said was based upon what somebody else had said. And it didn’t work.
The whole way of writing didn’t work. You are supposed to prove everything by quoting. By lifting paragraphs from books and manuscripts. So that you will know I know what I am talking about I used the American Standard Version. That’s the version of the Bible I used. And I never quoted that. But if I did. I don’t remember. Because on one of those sleepless nights I might have quoted the Bible. And I wouldn’t have quoted this small things are important. Because that was what Solomon was trying to say by talking

about small things. And I could have quoted that and gotten away with it. As long as I quoted from the American Standard Version. Because that sounds official.
But if you try to quote from the Bible you had better have a good reason. Because they will say it is copyright.
And they might as well. Because they say that about everything else. So you have to have references to prove that you copied nothing. And that means you can’t copy. But you can.
You can copy your whole essay as long as you did it.
And that is the way to fail at college. To just copy your essay out of a textbook. They would say you have to do your own reading. That you have to come up with your own ideas. And they would never say that. So let me say it. You have to come up with your own ideas. But you have to prove those ideas by quoting somebody else.
So that would be pretty hard.
And it would be. So don’t do it. Just read widely.

And copy everybody’s work. Because that is what you will be doing. Without even acknowledging it. And that is true.
That’s why they are so strict. Because they don’t want you to plagiarise.
So what you need to do is to try very hard to work in an idea of your own and to prove that from other people’s work. And if you can do that you may get an A.
Because you will be the only student that tries. And trying hard is what it’s all about.
So don’t produce an original work like my other book Einstein Proved Wrong By Simple Maths because you will fail.
Even at college. Because you would think they would appreciate it. But they would say it’s all your own work.
And they would. Then they would say why did you do it.
And I would say because I believe it.

So you can see that this will never work. Because it won’t. You can’t be original. Not unless you can prove what you say. Remember my essay on Hobson and Lenin if you have your own theory you have to prove it.
And I don’t think any lecturer would disagree.

What I want to say is this. That I have made a decision to do my own work whether or not people approve.
This means that I just threw out a sheet. One which wasn’t important. And it really wasn’t. But it was part of the book. Now the book will be different. But not too different.
Because the sheet was about God and I decided it wasn’t right for this book. That means I don’t want you to pass.
And it doesn’t. It means I do. Because talking about what I was talking about can get you in trouble. In trouble with people in authority. That means your lecturers. And that means I was talking about divine inspiration. And I was.
I was saying you can’t say you’re divinely inspired, not if you want to pass. Because lecturers will take a

dim view on that. But no Christian would say he was divinely inspired unless he was familiar with the Bible.
Because people copy things they read. And that is not divine inspiration. But when you say something is divinely inspired people have a strange attitude. They try to prove you wrong. So if you want people to prove you wrong, make the mistake of quoting the Bible. Because then you will say it’s divinely inspired. You will blame the lecturers for saying no.
Because they will certainly say no. But that doesn’t mean you can’t write your own books. Because you can. When you finish college. Because every year is like a new book. You don’t know what it’s going to be like until you begin.
So you can be sure of this.
You will never begin a new year if you say you are a prophet. Not even to your friends. Because they will make a joke, one that the lecturers will hear. And they will. But the lecturer won’t fail you, not unless he thinks you mean it.
And if he thinks you do. You had better not write anything about it. And that is the way to pass college, to try to make sure you don’t get perceived as a

prophet. Because I am talking to people who study the Bible. If you think you are a prophet go to a Bible college that studies prophesy. I mean that studies how to do it. Not one that studies what it meant to be a prophet in the Old Testament. But even there people won’t like you if they think you’re a prophet. They will say you are always making things up. And they may be right. Because you may not be a prophet at all. In which case the professor at Bible college will tell you. And that won’t work. Because even if you were a prophet the professor couldn’t be sure.
So don’t try to prove yourself to be a prophet. Not even if you are. Just accept that when you are at college you are just another student.
And lecturers won’t like this. Because they will know you are divinely inspired. And they will want to share your wisdom. And that is the way to fail, to believe you are Jesus teaching the scholars.
So don’t say I said this but it’s not the way to fail.
Not if you are careful. And that’s just not true. It’s the way to fail. If you’re a Christian you live in a Christian world.
And you don’t. If you’re a Christian you live in a non-Christian world. And that is sad but true.

So you should have a Christian world view. And you should.
But you shouldn’t try to share it with your lecturers.
Because they have a world view of their own. And you can prove them wrong but only by understanding their point of view. And it’s wise just to prove them right.
So what kind of a Christian am I. A very devout one.
Who realises that lecturers are not going to be reached by students.
Lecturers are not going to be reached by students. And that is stupid. A student can make a difference.
He can really make a difference. He is a kind of academic.
So he has something important to say.
And that is the way to fail college. To think you’re an academic. And you would think that was true. Unless you understood them well. They want you to write like an academic.
And that is just not true.

It’s not. Lecturers don’t want you to write like an academic. They just want you to be a student.
And that is entirely false. Because it would be great if it were true. You could share what you know.
Without having to worry about proving every single little point.
But you can’t think that way. You are a kind of academic.
Maybe one of your essays will be published. When you have your degree. And that would not be unusual. It would be very unusual. For essays usually wind up in the bin. Unless you keep on writing.
Because you can do just that. You can write until it is finished. And I mean your book.
If you want to be an academic. Keep all your essays.
They might suggest a book. And that’s the way to fail at college. To tell your lecturers you are writing a book.
Because they will think that is best done when you are finished college. And I have to agree. If you pass you can write a book. But if you fail you must forget about it.

And that’s not true. But it is true. You can’t write about college life unless you pass. So you can see that that is not true.
And you would be right. To say the book is not working out. Because I have begun to speak about divine inspiration.
So obviously I have lost track of what I was saying. And I have. I have forgotten more than I remember. So the book will never be written.
And that is just not true.
I will write the book when I have finished another one.
How To Fail At Physics. Because I think I could write it.
And I’m absolutely wrong. Because I could do nothing but pass. So I wouldn’t be the right person to write the book.
And I would if I did Physics. Because I have written a book that will be published. Einstein Proved Wrong By Simple Maths. And it should be called How To Fail At Physics.

Because I did everything wrong. I wrote a book without understanding what I was doing. Because I have never done Physics. And that’s the reason I didn’t understand what I was doing.
So it seems strange that other people like the book.
But the only person that I have showed it to is my friend Bob. And he hasn’t yet given his verdict. But he has a degree.
So maybe he will think it’s not very good. But maybe he will like it because it is all simple mathematics.
And if it were physics he would probably like it.
And I think so. Because he wouldn’t understand a word of it. Because he has never done Physics. But that doesn’t stop him talking about it. And the same applies to me. I like to talk about physics. So my book is not worth the paper it is written on. Because I don’t practice what I preach.
I don’t quote anyone. I do my own work all the time.
And that’s not true. I quoted Stephen Hawking and I did.
I made up words I thought he would say.

And I did the same with Einstein.
But in reality I didn’t quote anyone. And this book will not contain one quote not even from my own book.
How To Pass High School. Because that one hasn’t been written yet. And I will never write it. Not because I couldn’t but because you would never buy it.

And you would never buy it because it’s not about college. And you would like to go to college.
But you don’t realise you need the other book.
And you have it in your hand. Because I will include How To Pass At High School for the same low price.
And I can. But I have to call it something different. I have to call it How To Fail At High School.
Because I never passed. I never passed all my subjects. So I failed.
And that’s a loser’s way out. I passed all my subjects so I can write How To Fail At High School and that’s not a winner’s way either.

To write another book. You have to see a need. One that is not being met. And I can meet that need. By including How To Pass At High School. And I will. By explaining on this page How To Pass At High School.
The way to pass at high school is not to copy at all.
You shouldn’t use references. Because they will only confuse you. You should write your own essay based on the notes you have from school. You should use a few references unless I am out of date. And if I am this is wrong. But I don’t think it will be.
If you simply repeat the ideas of the teacher you will pass. You will not get an A. But you will pass.
If you want to pass well the way is to read widely.
To form your own opinions and to prove those with references. And why use them if you don’t have to. Because if you use your own opinions you will fail you will not get an A.
But if you use the opinions of others and you don’t use references you will just get a B. But if you use references you will get an A.
It isn’t that hard. College is not easy. But high school is not hard. And that isn’t true. High school is just as

hard as college. And if only that were true. I would have my degree sitting on my mantle piece. But high school is not easy if you can’t write essays. But it is easy if you can. You can make up the marks you need. By writing another essay. And you just can’t.
But you can always ask. I did. I asked for another essay because the teacher said I was wrong. And he gave me one. And it counted. Because I got a good result. But that won’t work all the time. It will. If you get into the habit of writing bad essays. Just ask the teacher to start again.
And the teachers will love me. Because they will have to say yes. If a student is prepared to work hard by doing extra work maybe he can succeed.
And if I adopt that attitude I will fail high school.
Because once an assignment is finished it is water under the bridge. It is time to start a new one. You don’t need to know why you failed. This won’t work at college. But it will work at high school. Ask the lecturer why you failed. And that won’t help. It will. It helped me. I failed because I didn’t put things in chronological order. And it was as simple as that.
Because when I did a new essay on the same topic I put things in chronological order. And I didn’t. I

wrote a different essay and I did put things in chronological order. That simply means I put dates in. And I wrote the dates in order. And I did.
And that got me an A. I wish it did. But it got me a B.
And it just didn’t. I failed history. Not at high school but at college. Because I didn’t understand this. Not every essay is easy. Some are hard. Some you need to really think. And just one piece of advice is not going to make all the difference. However try my advice in history put everything in date order. I think it will make a difference.
And I’m going to give you a special treat I’m going to write three pages on How To Pass High School and maybe that will be enough. And I think so. I’m only writing this because I know how to get an A. An A in one subject, high school Biology.
And maybe I will write a book about the subject. And maybe I won’t. Because I learned a lot in a short time. I learned everything in the book. And that’s a fair statement. I did every question in the book. Some were called guide questions and some were called problems. I always answered them I never said this one is too hard. And I learned a lot about solving problems.

And that’s what I’d like to share with you.
You can find all the answers in the book. That is true. But if you read a bit more you will get an A.
And that’s what I did I read a bit more. I read the textbook but I read every page. I never said that was too hard. I said it was too easy. I knew what I wanted, a B. Because to me a 7 was an A. I didn’t realise that that was a high A. That a B can be a 5. They used a different system then. Maybe now you have A’s, B’s and C’s. So don’t count on it. Don’t count on getting an A.
Absolutely depend on it. Say this is going to be my best subject. And then write a book on it when you’re finished.
But choose a new title. The demand won’t be there for another book like this one. So write about something you are interested in like this, The Role Of Mitochondria In Producing Energy.
And if you’re bright. You will choose just one subject. And write the textbook. And that just isn’t sensible.

But writing your own book is something for after high school. If you’re a good writer there’s no reason not to try.
Except that everybody who reads this book may do just that. They will try. They will write two pages, the first and the last. And then they will fill in the middle. And that is stupid. It’s so stupid it just might work.
Because somebody would be able to do it. Me. I might try it. But what if you learn something by writing. Then you can express it in the middle. It doesn’t really matter how you end the book.
And that’s the way to fail at being a book writer. Because it does matter how you end the book. You have to write a conclusion. And it has to be well done.
And this just isn’t true. You can write your conclusion before you even begin. Because you know what your own ideas are.
But how do you unless you write them.
You do. By just thinking. So you can write your conclusion anytime. And that is just crazy. You can’t write your conclusion until the end. But I could. And maybe I’m the only one. But I don’t think so. So don’t reject the idea of working on your conclusion.

Then you will know what you are trying to prove.
And you will. So study hard, that is my last word on high school. Because I learned nothing from studying Biology. Because I’m afraid to write another book.
One that is just based on the textbook. And I should know better. Because my own ideas are not based on the textbook. And that’s just not true. I only know what’s in the textbook. But I know a lot more. HOW TO GET AN A. Not in Biology but in Biology.
Worry about one question at a time.
Answer one question at a time. And you can’t do that when you’re writing a book. And you can’t. So the above idea won’t work. You can’t just write a book based on one question.
And you can’t. You have to raise other questions about why it is so. And you only need the textbook to do that. That’s right. That and your brain. So if you believe me. Write a book about Biology when you have gotten your A. Because nobody will think lightly of it except high school Biology teachers.
And you can expect them to be your number one ally.
And that’s true. But college professors won’t like it because it will be all your own work. And that’s not

what they will say. They will say you used just one book and copied it.
But you didn’t copy the book. It taught you how to ask questions. And you answered your own. Unless you copied a question out of the book. And that’s a sin. It is. Ask your own questions and write the book on Biology. I know I will.

The right way to do this is to tell you the truth. I really am afraid of writing about Biology.
Not because it was my best subject but because it was my best subject. I don’t want to find out that I can no longer do it. Because that could be the case.
I have left it too long to write my book.
And that’s not true. You can remember what you learn at school forever. And you can’t. You will find you forget everything eventually. But I can do it. If I study. If I study the textbook. Because it will bring back memories. And it will.
Because I studied nothing but the textbook. But I also studied my notes and I don’t have them.
So perhaps I should go back to school. That’s what I thought.

That you would agree. That if I wanted to write a book I should study. But that I shouldn’t go back to school.
And that is not necessarily true. It’s absolutely true.
If you’re studying something you know you don’t need to go back to school. You just need to do the guide questions. And that’s not like going back to school. It’s exactly like it. Only you can’t ask your teacher if they are right.
So the book on Biology will never be finished. Because I learn by doing questions. And getting the right answer.
And that is too true. I want to cry. Because all that work was wasted. And that’s not the way to think. It wasn’t wasted. It helped me become the person I am now.
That realises I can’t write this book.
Because I keep speaking about book writing. But there is a reason. I can’t think of anything else to talk about.
And that just isn’t true. You can write without thinking at least that’s what we have heard. And it’s

not true. I have to think too. I have to think about what is right for me.
And writing during the day isn’t.
At least that’s what I thought. Until I tried it. And then I was sure it was. Until I reached this point of no return. When I decided not to write the book.
The book will be written because I don’t feel like that.
I’m sure I have a lot more to say about everything. But not the topic. Not the idea of how to study at college.
And that’s not true. I have plenty of good ideas.
And you will soon read them. When the book is published.
So I do this in all of my books. Whenever I want to.
Because it reminds me I must do the work. That if I don’t, no-one will ever read my book.
The way to pass this subject is not to worry about it.
That’s what I should have been told before I did Biology.

Then I wouldn’t have worried. And I wouldn’t have got an A.
The way to pass a subject is to worry a lot. And that’s not true either. But the way to pass a subject is to worry a little.
And I really think that is true. If your grades look bad don’t just give up. Do more work. That’s the answer.
And it isn’t stupid to say it’s not. That if your grades are bad more work won’t help. And maybe that’s what you think. It just isn’t true. Because my grades were bad. And I did more work. And the teachers changed their minds. And they didn’t. They kept saying I was capable of better. And that was a good comment for them to make. And it wasn’t. Because I thought I could get an A in at least one subject. And I did. So it was good advice to try harder.
And maybe not. Maybe I could have got a B if I’d tried a little bit less harder. And I might have gotten an A in another subject. And that wouldn’t have happened because Biology was my best subject and the others weren’t. And I should have thought differently, I should have believed it was possible to get all A’s.

And I shouldn’t have. Because more work won’t help. If you’re not good at something do something you’re good at.
And that is the attitude I had. I didn’t work hard in my other subjects. But I did pass most of them.
So why is it so. I may have been better at those subjects than I thought. And that’s true. Because I passed without trying.
So I should have tried hard at all of my subjects.
And maybe I still would have gotten an A. But maybe an A+ was too much to hope for. And I thought so. But I tried hard enough to get an A+. But maybe I just wasn’t that good.
And that’s not fair to me. Because I think I could have gotten an A+ if I had known why I failed.
I failed to get an A+ because I worked too hard. I knew the work too well. And that’s just not true. I tried to learn everything. And that is definitely the way to try to get an A.
That’s what I thought. But I shouldn’t have been making eyes at my teacher, I should have been concentrating on her words. Because I really didn’t pay attention in class.

And that was essential to get an A+. Because the teacher doesn’t just quote the textbook. And she does. She doesn’t know anything. I’m just as smart as her. So I must have thought so. Because I used the textbook like it was going out of fashion. But if I had listened I could write my book now.
And probably not.
I probably couldn’t write the book even if she had given me personal tuition. Because I cannot remember that far back. And if that were true I couldn’t write the book.
And it is true so I can’t. Because I can’t remember her words. Except the letters she wrote to me. And they are clear in my mind because I kept them. And I advise you to do the same with your notes. Put them in plastic sheets and keep them forever. Because if you ever want to write a book you will be able to.
And that’s all I have to say about my Biology book.
That I just can’t write it. Because I would have to study Biology be reading the textbook. Because that’s all I think is essential, just reading the textbook. And I’m right. For me that’s true. I just need to read the textbook to be able to remember what I would say about it.

But maybe it won’t be the best book ever written. And I think otherwise. I think if I write about my best subject it will be the best book ever written.
And that’s a bit vain. You better get used to it because that’s the way I am. When I do something that I’m sure is right for me I’m never ashamed of the result.
So you do the same thing. Write a book about your best subject. When you have just finished high school. Other high school students won’t be interested. And they will be. They would rather read what a student has to say. And that’s just not true.
High school students like professors because they hope to be one some day. But they just hope to finish high school.
And you will have achieved what they are hoping for, an A in your best subject. So ignore this advice.
Don’t keep your high school notes. Get rid of them as quickly as possible.
Because you can’t write a book.
And that’s good advice. To anybody who can’t write a book.

But if you’re a writer, keep your notes, you never know what may come up. Maybe you will be asked to speak and you will need something to speak about.
Of course you don’t need your notes. You don’t want to be reminded of high school. Because this is still how to pass high school. And keeping your notes is how to pass.
Because you have a lot of notes from past years. And you can read them all.
And you can make the same mistake that I did.
Of using your notes at college. Because I had all my answers. From Biology. And I thought they were good.
But when I tried to use them at college I didn’t pass.
Because we were learning new material. But I thought I knew it all. And that’s the danger of getting an A, thinking you know it all. Because I didn’t.
I knew high school Biology. I didn’t know college Biology. So I had to know college Biology to write about it. And I can write about high school Biology because I am good at it. But college level Biology is a different thing. And it is.

So never use your guide questions from high school. Don’t keep them. If you want to waste them.
What you should do is keep them till after college.
And then answer them afresh. And compare your answers.
And write a book called Succeeding At High School Biology.
Because it won’t work. The high school teacher won’t understand. And she will. She will know it’s all over her head but her students understand it.
Because I wish I could write it.
And I can. If I study Biology by itself. If I read the college level textbook. But your book will be better than mine. Because you will be an A student.
And I think so. Because you don’t mind thinking about success otherwise you would stop reading. You would definitely stop reading. Because only somebody who believes in success believes they can write the textbook.
Didn’t I warn you before just to choose one topic and write about it. So why not choose the guide questions from the high school textbook. Because they must

find their own answers. They won’t learn if they just use yours.
And they would be tempted to cheat every time.
But if you write another book write it about this subject. Why is it so? Because that’s pinching Julius Sumner Miller’s advice. So you should take it. Try to answer that question. And you will make a million dollars. Because I think your book will go around the world. The one about Biology.
Because I know mine will.
My book will be great. Because it will be about one subject. Why is it so? And I will just answer that one question.
So I can repeat my success at high school. Because you must have a question to answer. One that is as good as why is it so? And I have one, why is it so? Because there is no better question to ask.
And maybe that’s not true. It’s not. You can ask a lot of questions but why is not one of them. And it is.
But it’s not the only question. It is. Why is the only question. If you explain why your book will be as good as mine.

 

What I have written up to this point has been a lot of garbage. It has just been about how to fail college. It hasn’t helped you at all. And if so you are mad.
Because my book could help anyone. But not if you already know the answers. Not if you’re a know it all. Because even if you’re smart you will learn something from this book, what to do if you want to succeed. Because the title is wrong. And it’s not. You have to know how to fail. So you can learn what to do to succeed. But I’m not the right person to talk about success. And I am. Because I have succeeded in remaining alive.
And that’s no small accomplishment. But everybody succeeds in that. So I am not going to talk about success any more.
I am going to talk about failure. About the kind of things you can do if you want to fail. And that will work. Because I know well why I failed. And I know why I did not fail. Because the glass is half full.
So I know why I passed. Because some subjects were easy. And they were. They were core units. And core units can be easy.
And they are not. You have to do well at them. You have to get a B otherwise you’re a failure. And you

will feel pretty bad if you take this attitude because I did. Buy maybe not. Maybe you will succeed.
Because that is how to make a success out of your life. Believe you can succeed, don’t believe you can fail.
And then you will be a failure. As soon as you fail. You will fail to reach your own goals.
And that won’t make you a failure. Except in your own eyes.
But it won’t make you a success either. Because a success is someone who believes the glass is half full.
A failure is someone who believes the glass is half empty. So maybe the title isn’t a bad one.
Because the way to fail college is not to fail completely. It’s to fail half your units. And then say the glass is half full. That is the right way to fail. And it just isn’t.
The right way is to say that it’s more than half full.
That you have passed two kinds of units. Units that were very hard. And units that were very hard.
Because this is not what I meant to say. I meant to say units that were very easy.

But they don’t come in that colour. They are all very hard. So get used to me talking like this until you go to college. Then you can judge for yourself. If you think they are easy. Then you are wrong. You are just very bright.
So that’s the way to think of yourself, as a bright person who has a chance of passing college. Not as a failure who wished he could pass. So don’t throw this book away. Because I won’t teach you to be a failure. I will teach you to be a success. So don’t believe that. Ignore all the advice. Just do your own thing at college. And you will do better. Because you can’t believe me. Because I think like a failure. And I don’t. Because I was a success at high school and I know college is something that is very hard. That not many succeed.
And of course that’s not true. Many succeed. So I must be a total failure. But many don’t succeed. Are they all failures too?
I would like you to think twice before you answer that question. Because one day you may be asked it again. When you don’t pass a unit that is essential for your course. And the person asking might be your course adviser trying to get you to work harder. And if you answer they are not failures the course adviser will tell you that they are. So tell him he is wrong.

That just because you failed that unit doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

And he will tell you that you’re right. When you explain to him why you believe it’s true. But you will still fail college. Unless you repeat. Even if it means repeating the whole year. That’s why it’s hard to pass. Because you have to do a make up exam. That’s your only chance. And the lecturer must think you’re worthy of it.
And you may pass. Because I did. I had a unit that was very hard. Everybody knew it was hard. So they tried their best.
I just didn’t. But when I was offered a make up. I was very happy. Because I didn’t realise it meant the difference between success and failure. It meant the lecturer believed I could pass. But not if I studied hard. If I just tried.
And he was right. I just had to try. I just had to turn up. I knew enough about the subject to pass. And that wasn’t true in my case. I had some time at home so I studied hard.
Just concentrating on the one subject. I drew weird diagrams and I drew flow charts. I wanted to understand how things fitted together. And it must

have been successful because I passed. And it was hard to accept. Because I thought of myself as a failure because I failed another unit, the most important one. At least I thought so. But maybe this one was just as important. And I think so. But I needed to pass both.
So maybe I got a make up on both. Because this is the unit I wrote the essay for. But I didn’t make sure that the lecturer wanted the essay. It might have been some kind of joke.
Because one lecturer thought I was a good journalist and the other one didn’t. But I really deserved a make up.
And that is as close as I will come to complaining.
Because I had a make up in the other unit. And I passed.
So I was very close to passing. And the lecturer should have been aware of that. Because he taught during the summer.
But perhaps he was on break. But what’s wrong with second year. Why couldn’t he have given me a break.
So I don’t think that’s fair to fail because of one unit.

But maybe it is if you’re a C student. I don’t think so. Because C could be one step away from a B.
And I think he knew that. Because I was going well at one other unit. And I wasn’t. I didn’t do Practical Radio until second year. And that was something of a break. It was like saying you’re good enough to try a second unit. Because I was already doing Journalism
2. And that might seem like small potatoes.
But they are my potatoes. So I’m proud of them.
If I had of gotten to second year I’m sure I could have passed. But not the options. Because they were too hard.
But maybe I would have been confident enough to pass even them. And that’s not true. Because I failed them in second year.
I chose options out of the handbook. Without knowing what they were. I didn’t talk to my course adviser. And I did.
I told him I wanted to do Computing.
In the School of Business. After I had already done other units. And the units I did were not computing,

they were Business Computer Systems. And that is a hard unit.
It’s not. It’s an introduction to Business Computer Systems. But it can be hard. For some people.
Because nobody I know failed it except a computing student. And his friends thought he was a genius.
And he was. He used to talk about tesseracts. And not only talk about them he had written a computer program to generate them. So he wasn’t stupid. But he told his friends he failed this unit. And he did fail. So he said. And he was worried. Because he wanted to do Systems which is the next unit in sequence. So he should have worried. Because Systems was hard.
And maybe he wouldn’t have been good at it.
But maybe he would of. Once he got something he could sink his teeth into. And that’s the way to look at it. That some units are too easy. That people who are very bright think differently.
So don’t always do the easy option. It may not be right for you. This one was right for me. But two others that looked easy were not. They were War And Peace In The Nuclear Age and Aboriginal Studies. And they were not important to my course.

I could have passed Journalism 2 without them. So

then I could have gone into second year. But I still would have been short two options. But they would have let me continue.
So the two options I was short had to be made up. So I had a perfect opportunity. To do two units to replace two I had failed. So you could say I had a lot of trouble with options.
And you would be right. Core units were not a problem. Options were. So you could think that was the same for the other student. The one that was very bright. It means he understood a lot about everything. Because he thought he could do the job. The one that wasn’t right for him. And he didn’t. He just wanted to pass his course. And he wasn’t good at everything. But he was great at Computing. So believe me he was great. But that doesn’t mean he passed. He had to keep repeating units. So maybe he was a failure.
Nobody would ever say that. Because they knew him too well.
So don’t say that about me. Because you’re getting to know me.
Say I’m not a failure and then you will be on the right road.

And that’s true. Because then you will want people to do the right thing and pass students who aren’t good enough.
Because obviously I’m not good enough to pass.
Because I couldn’t pass my options. And that may be true.
Because I didn’t pass in the end. I failed totally.
Because I failed all my options. Not only because I didn’t finish but because I didn’t pass.
So why read this book. Because you can learn why I didn’t pass. I didn’t pass Political Theory because it was the hardest unit in the school. I was in a class of three. And the other two were extremely bright students. And I thought I was good enough to pass. And maybe I was right. I was. But I didn’t hand in my last assignment because I thought my teacher was making fun of me. And she would deny it. She would say she was just having a joke. But I didn’t like her joke so I refused to work on my last assignment. And that was really stupid. But it shows you something that can go wrong. You can think you are smart but to someone smarter you will not be smart. So the teacher whose name was Ray will not remember. But I tried to treat her with contempt. I tried to make fun

of how smart she was. And I did. So she made fun of how dumb I was. But she didn’t really think so.
Because I wrote an essay on the Liberal Party.
And it was very well done. But it had to be delivered verbally. And I write better than I speak so I just read it.
And I thought it sounded good. Because I liked the Liberal Party. And these days I don’t. But I thought it had a great history. So I wrote about Menzies. And if she had read it. She would have liked it. But maybe she liked it anyway. I think not.
Because many students are expected to be able to speak. But nothing at high school prepared me for this. You have to give a lecture about what you have learned. And I just don’t have a good memory. But I could have done it from notes. But I needed an essay to pass the unit. Because I was good at essays. So I wrote one. A great one. But I should have just used notes. And maybe I would be a biologist today. And I think not. Because that’s what a biologist would do, he would write an essay and submit it. Obviously not. Biology isn’t done that way. And it is.
Practical work is done by just speaking. And it’s not.

But perhaps it is in higher years. So speaking wasn’t right for me. But I wasn’t allowed to just hand in an essay.
Except the one that I didn’t hand in. And if I had of done it I would have Political Theory under my belt. Because I could have done it. I just let my anger get the better of me.
So don’t ever do the same. Treat people with love even if they are unkind. And then they will treat you with love to. Perhaps not.
But that’s no reason not to treat them with love.
Political Theory was a mistake. Because it was a challenge.
From the smartest man I knew to see if my IQ was actually real. Because I said I had the highest IQ ever. And I was quoting a psychologist. But what she said was I had the highest verbal IQ ever. So this student thought this was a good test.
Perhaps someone suggested it to him unless he had done it before. So he didn’t do it before so someone must have suggested it to him as a good test for him.
So I was crazy to take it. Because I knew it would be hard.

But I liked politics. But not in the way it was presented in this unit. It was just a mixture of all kinds of different beliefs. And you had to have a position to argue about them.
Unless you just had a good memory. So it was a test of memory.
But the essay could have been a test of verbal skills.
I will never know. Because I didn’t take my final exam.
Because that essay was the final exam.
And I just didn’t take it seriously. It’s easy to think like that when you have got a lot of work on your plate. That the option can be sacrificed. And that’s not untrue. It’s totally untrue. Options are just as important as core units. And they are. You need both to pass college. And second year will be hard if you don’t take this advice. Because you will get clashes. And you will still have to pass.

What I have been talking about is not important. This is important, learn to do the right thing by others.
Because they have work to do as well as you. And if you don’t do the work they won’t pass either. That may not be the case now but it was the case when I

went to school. You were assigned a position based on your performance but it was also based on the performance of your class. So I was told. So you had to pass the ASAT test but so did your class. And that may not be right. But I believe it is.
If you’re a good student your class will benefit. But if you’re a poor student the others may not go to college.
And this seems unfair. So it may have been corrected. So I should find out. I haven’t got enough time.
Because if every little thing had to be researched then I would run out of time. Because I want my book to be finished by a certain date.
And it may not be easy to find out this information.
I was told by a teacher. So maybe not everybody knows how the TE score is calculated. But I do. Because I understood my teacher. Your grades have nothing to do with it. And of course that’s not true. But it’s not even close to the truth. The ASAT test is just to decide the order. And it’s not. It’s very important.
People with good grades can get a low TE score.

And maybe that has been corrected. If you don’t still do the ASAT test. Because it is unfair, it’s some kind of intelligence test. And it isn’t. If it was it might be fair. It measures your abilities to solve problems. The problems you will be asked at university. And maybe it’s very accurate. Because I got 790 though I had good grades. That was probably because I didn’t do maths. But I did social maths and I received a good pass.
So why didn’t that count. Because the maths you do at university is more advanced than the maths you do at college.
And it’s not. Both are just as advanced. So maybe they shouldn’t be. I think not. College is a place where students should be able to go if they can’t get into university. Because university is very hard. And college is very easy. And if that were true I would be happy. I would say I have my degree that it’s not as good as a university degree but I earned it.
So that’s just sour grapes. Because I didn’t pass I think the system should be different. And that’s true. I do think like that. Because I feel hurt that I failed. Hurt that all my work was for nothing. Because all that work wasn’t for nothing. I am now writing books. But I could have done that after high school and I probably would have done it just as well.

So don’t wonder why I failed. Wonder why you failed to get a high enough TE score. Because maybe your grades are great but not good enough for them. So don’t be bitter and tell me.
Because when I told you I failed you didn’t listen. If it’s easy to fail perhaps college is too hard.
And that’s the way to fail alright to tell that to the lecturers. To tell them you want the standard lowered. Because you had noticed some aborigines had joined college and they told you they had low TE scores. Will they be given a fair go?
I hope so. Because they are not stupid. Because they got help under ABSTUDY. So they have their reasons for giving them a go. But it may not work.
Lowering the standard may not work.
People may just refuse to employ people with that kind of degree. And the opposite is sometimes true. Universities are thought of as too theoretical.
Colleges of Advanced Education are more practical.
So you don’t need to go to university to succeed, you can just go to TAFE. And that may be true. I don’t want to knock TAFE. But a CAE is better. At least it was better for me. Because I got a degree one that I can hang on my wall. But I didn’t.

So the way to pass college is not to go. And that’s a bit negative.
But it’s not the truth. The way to pass college is to go. If you want a degree. But if you’re satisfied with TAFE then you’re not stupid. You may be able to get in there and find the work just as hard. Just as hard as at college.
And I don’t think so. I think it will be a little bit easier. And you don’t have to study for three years. Unless you want a degree. In which case it’s just as hard to get one at TAFE. So why am I being discouraging to you.
Because I would be to myself. I would think twice before attending any college. I would try to decide if the course is right for me. And if it is I would attend. Until I had finished the course. And that’s what some people think is necessary.
And they are not wrong. But they are. If you find your course isn’t right for you you may be able to change schools.
I wanted to do Business. Before I wanted to do Journalism. But that’s not the case.
I always wanted to do Journalism before anything else.

So I shouldn’t have changed to Business. And I did.
I did options in the School of Business. And if I was going to succeed in Business I would have passed them.
And that is true. That’s what Business thought. And they may have been right. Because I didn’t pass the units I did in Business. And they were the same units I was talking about before the ones I didn’t pass and had to make up.
So it doesn’t matter if you remember. But you will be asked hard questions at college. So what are the two units that I failed. You wouldn’t be able to tell.
Because I never told you. But that’s the kind of question you can expect at college. One where the answer isn’t given.
I studied Local Government, Political Theory and Business Computer Systems. And I passed one, Business Computer Systems. So what does that mean. It means I was good at Business.
But only one aspect of it. So maybe I should have done Systems. I did later on I got a 5. And if that were the case I would be happy. But I didn’t pass Systems. It was far harder than I thought it would be.

Business Computer Systems was easy by comparison.
And it wasn’t easy. It was very easy. But Systems was very hard. So it was called Systems 1 because the introductory unit wasn’t considered important. But you couldn’t do Systems 1 without it. And I think you should have been able to.
You should have been able to do both. At the same time.
So that people who were bright could pass both.
And that wouldn’t work. Because people who were dumb would fail. And I think that’s for the best. I think it’s best that I failed Systems. Because it wasn’t right for me.
I should have stuck to Journalism. I should have done something in Communications. Maybe even in public relations. Because those were also options. But I was afraid, afraid of what I didn’t know. So I tried to do things I understood. And that proved to be a mistake. But is it always.
Yes it always is. Because the devil you don’t know is sometimes better than the devil you do. If it is the recommended unit for your course.

The ones that aren’t recommended should not be done.
And that is true.
You shouldn’t go against the flow. Even if they are options. And that’s probably true. Unless you’re sure you’re good at something. Just like I was with Business Computer Systems. Then you can do the next unit.
And that is not wise unless you’re certain. That the unit is really the only introductory unit to the course.
Not something just added on because the course is too hard.

College is not a place to learn to study. The right place to learn is high school.
And of course this is a bit stupid. Why try to begin straight away. Because it is necessary.
And if it were I would tell you. And it is not. It is not necessary to begin straight away.
You don’t have to work hard all through high school.

So that’s why this book is called How To Fail At College. Because that is how to fail. To study something hard you have to have experience.
And experience is what you need. So maybe you should study something at high school. The course that you’re doing.
Because that will give you experience at solving problems. And it won’t help at college. Because I have explained how it works. Somebody tells you what to do. And you do it.
You don’t have any say in what subjects you study, you just have to do what other people say. And that’s not far from the truth. You don’t have to fail to fail college. You just have to give up. You just have to believe the above.
That you never get to have your say. And then you will never believe what I am going to tell you. Give up.
Fail college. Don’t do something you don’t like.
Because that is the easy option. Just give up on college. Don’t worry if you could have succeeded.
And then you will never know. But I will know if I could have succeeded. Because I never gave up. Not

until I had trouble finding enough to eat. And I was so weak I could hardly stand up. So don’t give up before then.
Because there was a possibility I could have succeeded. If I didn’t give up straight away. If I had asked for money. Instead of asking for a lift home. But I doubt I would have got it. Because my father doesn’t understand how important it is to succeed at college. And if that’s true I’m a trotting horse.
Because he knows what it’s like. But he probably still wouldn’t have given me the money. Because I would have needed too much. I would have needed enough to live. So he did what was right. He took me home. I had fought my last fight. Because I stayed home and never went back to college. So don’t you do the same thing. Not unless you have fought your last fight.
Because you could be like Kid McCoy. Just as brave as a kid could be. But even though everybody expects you to win. It could be your last fight.
Because it’s easy to chicken out the second time. That is after you have failed the first year.
And I suggest it’s not only easy it’s the right thing to do. And I do. I don’t suggest going back for another year. Not unless you can pass. And if there is no

money coming in perhaps you can’t pass. Don’t expect anyone to offer you a job. You don’t work the hours that I do.
That’s what one girl told me. Because she wanted help. But she didn’t know where to turn. And there was only one place, her parents. So for some reason she didn’t ask them. She just continued to work too hard. And she got the job because she knew what she was doing. Sacrificing her chance to make good. And that’s what she was doing. By being willing to work anywhere. Because she asked everybody for a job.
She went door to door. And she got one. Working in a chicken shop. But she had to work hard. Hard enough to make her very unhappy.
And she was unhappy because she wanted to be my girlfriend. And I just wanted her to be my friend.
Perhaps I could be wrong maybe I was just an authority figure. But I thought she liked me. So I was probably right, I was probably right to believe she liked me.
But not right enough to ask her on a date.
Because she didn’t have a good time. And I know that because she offered me money.

 

She offered money because we had gone out in the middle of the night. We caught a cab into town. And we did.
So we painted the town red. And we did. But that’s not what actually happened. We rode the cab to an all night gas station. That had a good menu. And it wasn’t bad.
So we had something nice to eat. Then we caught a cab home. And spent the night doing what lovers do. But we didn’t do that, we went back to college, back to the computing room. And we spent the night working.
So don’t expect any romance at college. Unless you take a girl out you are really in love with. Because you can like someone and you can go on a date. And you can be sorry you did. But I wasn’t sorry. Because it was my first date.
And it wasn’t. My first date was with my cousin. When I asked her to the pictures. She said yes. So I had a good time.
And I did. Even though she wouldn’t let me watch the picture. It was too grown up for her. Because she was only sixteen. And I was too young to know.

So it sounds weird. But it’s not. I love my cousin because she is my cousin. But I also have a friendship with her. That I remember.
So she isn’t right for me either. But neither was the girl at college. She was so different from me that I didn’t really like her. And that’s not true. I liked her. I thought she was a good friend. But I didn’t like her as a boy likes a girl.
So that was pointed out to me. By another boy. Who was married to a girl much older than himself. That he didn’t think I was doing the right thing. Because I didn’t notice things that he did. So that was stupid.
He was mad. I could be friends with a girl. And I could be. Because I was President of ECF.
And the Vice President was actually a girl.
So don’t get me talking about ECF. Because that’s a story you need to hear.
And you don’t. Because you aren’t interested in joining anything at college. And if that’s not true. Then you should listen. Because ECF was a group I started. And that’s not true. But it’s close to the truth. I started the group again after another man quit. And that’s not true. He was forced out of office. Because I gained control of the group. And that’s fairly close to

the truth. People just didn’t attend his meetings because they were held off campus. So I thought I could do a better job. So I did. I just took over.
And people that supported me said it was the right thing. But that’s the way to fail at college, to take over a group. If you have been elected. Then that’s fine. But if you have a sort of election that isn’t really fair then that’s no good. And of course I wasn’t failed for being ECF President.
But perhaps I failed because I spent so much time doing the work. And that’s probably not true.
Because I didn’t work hard. I didn’t do the work. And it’s true I did. But not as much as was possible. It was possible I could be working all the time. That’s what it means to be President of a group. That you can work all the time, for little reward.And that may not be true. If you’re the President of the Student Union you get a wage. Not a very good one but a very very good one. That was my perspective. So I wished the Student Union would give ECF some money. So I asked for it. And that is the way to lose a vote. To lose the vote of the Student Union. Because they didn’t mind helping us but they didn’t want to give us money. It’s because of the separation of church and state. But this is not America. So it’s not the United States. So my

argument was that some groups get money and other groups don’t. And the ones that don’t are religious.
And this was the way to win friends and influence people. Because everybody is convinced Christians are only after money. And I didn’t think like that, I only thought of the bills. My bills. Because I had to pay for ECF.
Nobody else contributed. Not until one day. When a lot of people gave some money. But they didn’t give enough.
They only gave enough to cover expenses. So I told the staff worker the money went into my wallet.
And he found that hard to understand. But I had no treasurer who would have made sure things were done right.
I had just spent too much money on organising the food-fest. Because I paid a lot of money for food. And no-one contributed until after the food was eaten.
So I naturally assumed the money was for the food.
But don’t you do the same. Because I was never treated with respect. They always thought I was up to something.

Because they couldn’t be sure that I wasn’t dishonest.
But they could have been, they would just have to ask me.
I would have told them the truth. That I wasn’t.
So don’t get a bad reputation. Don’t do things that will make others hate you. That’s what I have learned from ECF.
Because I tried to make two groups into one.
And if I had have done that I would have closed down my group. But I believed there was one too many groups.
The other group was one too many. And I thought so. So I wasn’t friendly to them. And that is a mistake.
College is a place where everybody gets along.
And it should be. So don’t be petty. If somebody has a bigger group than you don’t try to get the Christian Community Centre. Even if it’s the place where ECF has always met. Because it’s comfortable. And no other place will do.

But don’t try to be in charge of it. Don’t insist that other people read your books. Insist just the opposite that other people don’t touch your books.
And I did both. I insisted that the library should be left there but that the books shouldn’t be removed. And the people in charge wanted to remove some of them. Because they thought it was too untidy. But I had started the library. And I had. So I didn’t want anybody removing the books. So I put them back on the shelf when somebody had them in a big box to remove them. And that is not the right way to do something. The right way is to talk about it. So I should have tried talking. But maybe I succeeded in making them determined to get rid of the library altogether.
ECF was fun in the old days. When there was a committee. But when I was in charge it was never much fun.
Because I tried to show movies. Movies like Back To The Future and Cross And The Switchblade.
But they were on the same program. I showed two movies at once. And that was silly. Because one was enough.

Back To The Future was enough. And it was. You don’t need to show a Christian film. And you do. Evangelism is what the group is all about.
So that’s not true. Fellowship is what the group is all about. We could have shown Cross And The Switchblade some other night. But we wanted to make an impact. We wanted to get people saved. So we showed both. And not everybody stayed to see the second one. But everybody that did had a good time. Except me. I enjoyed the first one but not the second. Because I knew I had work to do. And I could have just shown one movie.

But not Back To The Future. Because we had a synchrobeam and Back To The Future wasn’t working. And if that was the case I would have been sad. Because I wanted the other students who weren’t Christians to have a good time.
I didn’t care about their future. Whether they would live forever. And I did. Because I showed both films.
I showed one film at one time and another at another time. And this would have been just as good. Because they had the right to say no to either picture. And truly they didn’t have any choice. They couldn’t walk out after Back To The Future because I would have

said no. And of course I would not have. But I might have tried to get them to stay.
Because I wanted them to see both films.
And I did. But only one was really important. And that was Cross And The Switchblade. So I should have shown it first. But I wanted them to see Back To The Future too.
Because I thought they could use a break.
So I shouldn’t have shown either movie. I should have shown a better one. One that was more up to date. One which I didn’t know. And that is not true. I made the right choice. They could leave after Back To The Future and stay for coffee after Cross And The Switchblade. And we really hoped they did.
Because we didn’t stay for both movies. That’s what I would have said. If I had been going to college then.
But I was involved in a group. So I had to stay until the fat lady sang. And I did. So I failed college.
Because an assignment may have been due. And I didn’t stay up all night to complete it. And I did. So I didn’t fail. Until eventually I couldn’t do without sleep any more.
That was the reason I couldn’t possibly pass college.

Because I had to sleep sometime. And the morning was the only time I had to sleep. It took that long to complete every assignment. And it does take a long time. But not long enough. Students should get a taste of how hard it is.
So that they will know what the school of hard knocks is all about. And I agree with that philosophy, don’t worry that they need sleep. And of course I don’t agree. But some other people don’t agree with me. The people who make up their mind that college is easy. It just isn’t. I have never worked so hard in all my life. And that is just not true. Students can expect to have an easy time at college. So easy that they can pass. And that’s how easy it is. You only have to pass. And people won’t look down on you.
And they won’t. But I passed some units more than half of a first year workload.
So I should get some consideration when it comes to looking for work. Don’t expect any consideration.
You don’t deserve any. You worked too hard to possibly succeed.
And maybe somebody could say that with a straight face.
I could. Because I believe I worked hard enough to succeed. But I also worked hard enough to fail.

So don’t work all night. Get your sleep. All eight hours. Then you may still be tired. But don’t try napping.
There isn’t any time for a nap. And I do mean business.
You can do some work instead. Anything is better than staying up all night. Because you will work hard enough to drop.
To drop off to sleep. And if you do. There will still be work to do in the morning. So you can never give up. You can never give up on yourself. Because when you refuse to work during the day and take a long break you are sure to fail.
You can have an hour for lunch. But you can’t have a two hour lunch. Try to tell that to a Biology student who has just had a three hour practical. He will tell you to relax in the refec and have a good time. And he won’t be wrong.
Because you can share your notes with other students. You can get the right diagrams.
And if you want to fail college you can get a degree somewhere else. But there is nowhere else to go.

So think hard before you copy another student’s notes. Because it’s the way to fail.
All Biology students are known to do this. At least that’s what you will tell yourself when you do it.
And then you will be a dirty rotten scoundrel. They will throw you out of college. And you won’t have a leg to stand on. Because you have no defence. Just the facts.
And the truth is you will never get to present them.
Because they will discover you copied and mark you a failure. And they won’t bother to tell you.
So I know what it’s like. You have a practical assignment. You all just attended the same prac. And scientists should work together. And they should. But not on their practical. But perhaps they should be allowed to. But that’s not what Science is about.
Science is about doing the right thing and not making up anything. You shouldn’t make up an equation.
And that is absolutely right. You can’t do that. Not if you need the equation. You have to get it out of the book. So I would fail. Because I made up my own equation. One that is better than the one in the book.
So I couldn’t pass. Because I have to use the one in the book. And that isn’t so. As long as I can prove

what I say I can pass. And that means prove it from the book. And it does.
I would never pass. Because I would always be making up equations. Like the ones in my book. My other book. The one you haven’t yet heard of, Take Einstein To Infinity.
Because in that book I have a new equation. One that would make Einstein stand on his head.
And it would. It would make him jealous. So what is it.
It’s E = MC2. And that wouldn’t make Einstein jealous. But what about me. Is that the reason I wrote Take Einstein To Infinity. No not at all. Because I am the one who believes he is wrong. So why talk about his equation. Because I never had to study it. But if I had done Physics I could have said a lot about it. And I would have failed.
Because they would have believed I cheated. They would never have accepted my first book. Because I only put one quotation in. One from Readers Digest. And I never acknowledged that. But I would have if I had put it in. But I decided not to. Because the book is entirely my own work. Nobody helped me. And that is true. So I expect people to read it and do

nothing else. And that’s not what I expect. I expect people to read it and then do their own work.
Because it is a kind of book that people use to do their own work. And I really do think so.
So don’t you read it. Because you want to write my book. And I double dare you to try. Because you can’t just copy. You have to be original. So you know what double dare means. Does double dare mean anything. Because if it does.
You will accept the challenge. And you will write your own book on something original. But if you want to write about Einstein you’re welcome to.
Because nobody else can do it well. And of course they can. But nobody else bothered. Not to try to prove him wrong. They just said that he wasn’t entirely right. So what is this equation I’m talking about.
It’s one you can use at college to prove Einstein right. And it is based on this article that I am going to quote. And it’s not. But it is. It’s based on one man’s theory that energy and light are the same thing.
So don’t expect me to quote anything. Expect just the opposite. That I will give you an equation that I have made up. And in this case it’s true.

I would like to work on the article that I wrote about. But I don’t want to bother. Because I agree with the man who wrote it, he should do his own work.
And that will get you an A+ at college. And it won’t even get you a B. It might get you a C. But at college you have to quote. They don’t believe you have any original ideas. And of course they do. They just don’t want you to express them. And of course they do. But not at the same time as other people’s work. They will say you copied his work and you didn’t acknowledge it. And it can be the case. If you have read a lot of books then this is possible. But if you have only read one it is very possible. So don’t ask me what I have read, I didn’t keep a record. And I did. I read one book about physics.
And that book was written by Stephen Hawking.
So don’t quote me on this. But I didn’t like his book. I really loved it. And if that were the case I may have quoted. But I didn’t just like it I loved it so I did quote. And that just isn’t so. I pretended Hawking was speaking and I did the same with Einstein.
So I’m guessing. But Hawking can tell me what he thinks. If he can read. Because he will receive one copy of my book. Just for fun. Because I know he lives at a university and I can send my book there.

And that’s the way to fail at college. Send your book to a university lecturer. Before it’s even published.
And ask him for a review.
And I haven’t done this. Even if my first book does have a review. Because my friend Bob Haak may be asked to write a review. To be published along with the book. Just to show how a scientist would think about it. And it’s OK to ask anybody who is your friend.
One lady asked Princess Di but she was a friend of the Princess. But only an acquaintance.
And if that’s the case she shouldn’t have asked.
But you can ask a friend. So maybe she was her friend. And I don’t doubt it.
But I am not Stephen Hawking’s friend. So I wouldn’t ask him to do the foreword on my book.
But some people would be happy to. People who wanted to make a million bucks.

ECF was the last straw. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Because I’ve been waiting a long time to find out what college is all about. And it

seems that it’s all about hard work. You can’t even take the night off. You have to go home early. If you have a home at all.
And that’s something I haven’t discussed, the kind of home you can expect to have. A very good one.
Because it will be yours. So you will be proud of it. But what if it is a little shed with a kennel behind it. Will you still be proud of it. No way. You should never bring a girl there. You would just be too ashamed. But it wasn’t always like that. I lived in college. In a very good little unit. That was so small. And I could hold out my arms.
Because it was very small. So what does this have to do with college. You can’t have any parties. Because you can’t invite your friends around. Not unless you stay at college. Because you will have a common room. A place where people can meet together. And maybe not. But I think you will.
So it may not be very much but it is all right for a party. The kind of party they had for me. At least that’s what one girl told me. She didn’t want me to feel left out so she told me the party was for me. And I believed her. Because it was a 50’s party. And I am over forty. But I wasn’t then. And I’m still not. I’m thirty-five. So I’m not that old. But I must have appeared old at college. Because I was in my

twenties. And some of the young girls were still my friends.
But they thought I was a bit old for them.
And they did. Because I was, I was five years too old.
But that isn’t really too old. But don’t say that until you have tried it. Because if you’re young at heart it doesn’t matter. And it does. Because there are plenty of men their own age. And that’s the way they will think about it. But you will expect to be treated as an equal. And you won’t. Unless you are Ralph Thurlow. Because he was twenty-six and he was my friend. And I had just turned eighteen.
So that’s quite an age difference. But not between friends. And Ralph and I were friends. We are not homosexuals.
So you will think we are. So I don’t know how to dispel the rumour. And I do. Ralph and I believe we are friends and all of our friends are not homosexuals. And they all know we are friends. So why would you think otherwise. Because I have mentioned the possibility. And I have done it for a good reason. Ralph stays at my house and I visited his house. Yet he is not the man he once was.

He is now a homosexual. And if that’s the case his wife would be surprised. And so would I.
But he still likes girls. Likes them enough to call them up in the middle of the night.
Because Ralph is that kind of guy. He will suddenly decide to visit a girl. One we are both friends with while we are on a camping trip. And that is not funny, it’s weird.
But I agreed to do the same thing. To show her that we both thought she was cute. So don’t think I’m like that.
That I would just visit a girl. But I did exactly that when I was in love. I travelled a long way to see her.
I went to her house. I went to church with her.
And she didn’t even love me. So maybe it was the same for Ralph. Because he never got a girl while he was at college. Not while I was there. But perhaps he did later on.
But he eventually married someone the right age.
But she wasn’t right for him because he got divorced.

And that’s sad. I haven’t been divorced. But I haven’t been married either.
So that means I must be homosexual. But that isn’t true. I’m not. And they all say that they should come out of the closet. And they shouldn’t. They should try to overcome their problem. My only problem is I like girls too much. That I fall in love very easily.
And Ralph isn’t like that. He doesn’t fall in love easily. And he does. When he is finished with one girl he marries another. And maybe he will. Because he likes girls.
So you can say anything about anybody. Even if they are your friend. You can say he is not right for what he is. That he is not right to be what he is, a Christian.
And I would say just the opposite, that Ralph is right to be a Christian. And I would say that for anybody else.
Even if they weren’t right with God. Because me being a Christian is not right.
Because I’m not perfect. So if you read this you will know this is true.

I am not a perfect man.
But there is one thing I am not, that is a homosexual. Because I don’t like ever being called that.
But at school you were called that.
And now you believe it’s true. So don’t. Don’t ever believe that about yourself.
Don’t believe it because it’s not true about anyone. Unless they sleep with other men. And that’s too simple. Of course some men are homosexuals.
But what has that to do with failing at college.
Because you could be one. And you could fail college.
Because not everybody would understand.
But you would understand that they were wrong. That you deserve a college education. And maybe you do.
But I never met one at college. So they must have been pretending not to be. And they were. Because I could have known more than one. And the way to fail at college is to hate women. Not just women but

feminism. Because a lot of men do hate feminism. But usually not homosexuals.
So don’t throw this book away if you are a woman.
Because I do believe in equal rights. I don’t just believe in them, I treat women as equals.
And I never understood that at college. That I tried to be friends with the opposite sex.
But I didn’t try to be too close. And I tried that as well. I tried holding my friend’s hand. And she didn’t mind. But maybe she didn’t like it. But I wanted her to consider me a boy. And she thought I was a man.
But I was only a boy at heart. I just wanted a closer relationship. And she didn’t tell me where to get off. But she could have. And that would have hurt me.
So much I wouldn’t be a heterosexual today.
And that’s just not true. It’s not true because I don’t believe it one little bit. She should have said we are just friends. And she didn’t. So later on I wanted to stay at her place for good. She said I could move there.
And I thought she meant her place. But apparently she changed her mind. Because that’s what happened,

one minute she wanted to live together. The next she wanted to be left alone. So maybe I’m wrong. But we were meant to be together. And I don’t think so. I confused friendship with love. And I think in the end so did she.
So don’t hurt if you are her. Because I understand.
You can’t marry somebody who you don’t love. And someone who would just live with you isn’t really in love.
So don’t put this book down if you’re a man. But do. Because I’m not writing it for you.
Because I have dedicated it to that particular girl. Who understood love. Because she wanted marriage.
And of course I didn’t bother. Because it would only embarrass her. But why not. Because I would hurt her feelings. Because she would say we were never friends. That you were only an acquaintance. And I know that kind of girl. That’s the way she thinks of old boyfriends. And if I’m wrong she can give me a phone call.
So I’m not talking about the subject. I’m talking about sex.

And that has nothing to do with failing at college. And it does if you live with someone.
Because you will share notes. If you do the same course. And if you don’t you can’t fail. You can have a fight and refuse to work. You all know what that’s like.
So that’s what I mean by being off the subject.
You can’t write about the same thing all the time. Not unless you want it to be a good book.
And it will be my best ever. Because I’ll talk about everything. Everything that’s important.
And that means I’ll talk about the topic How To Fail At College. Because how to fail is what it’s all about. And it is. So what does sex have to do with anything. Because if you’re gay you can’t pass college. And that’s not true. If you’re heterosexual you can’t do without sex. And that’s certainly not true. So the point I have been making is don’t tell anyone you’re sleeping with somebody else. Just do the right thing. Leave those kind of relationships until after college. Because marriage is too expensive. In terms of time. I knew one married student. But not very well. But he wanted me to know him.

Because he was a Christian. So I went to his house. I met his wife. And I treated him like dirt. Because he was a Mormon. I suggested to him that there is an evil spirit behind Mormonism. And that’s not the way to treat people. So maybe he will say that’s wrong, it is the way to treat people. Because maybe he is a born again Christian.
But I doubt it. Because you can’t witness to Mormons.
They are on another planet. And you think I am too.
And you’re not wrong. Because I’m a citizen of the kingdom of God but it’s on this planet. So that’s just as crazy. It’s not.

What I have been writing is off the topic. It’s about sex. It’s about people who are in love. And it is.
Because all kinds of people fall in love. Even people who aren’t right for each other.
People who can fall in love are lucky. Because I can’t. And that is not true. Because I can fall in love but only with the opposite sex. If a woman is too macho I can’t fall in love. And that is true.

So why does it matter. Because I think it does.
Women and men are not the same. They fall in love because they are not the same.
They don’t refuse to fall in love because they are not happy. And sometimes they do. They just say no.
Like I did when I was at college. I just said no.
And I wished I had of. Because I fell in love with a girl who I’d just met. One that was right for me.
Because she was a girl. She was obviously feminine. She was very pretty. And I was the only one who thought so. And I wasn’t.
There was another boy. One who was very angry.
And he wasn’t. Because he lived with her. And I wanted to marry her. So she didn’t like me because she said yes. Only she didn’t say yes. She didn’t say no. She said we would give it a try. And we did. We went out together. And maybe that would have ended differently.
But we went to her boyfriend’s camp. Where she shared her bed with him. So that didn’t work out.
I was the only one who thought so. Because she seemed happy. But she didn’t know what it was like

to be in love. Or she wouldn’t have done the wrong thing by me.
She would have asked me out. After I said I was in love with her. She wouldn’t have asked me to a camp where she intended to show me she had a boyfriend.
And maybe she believes in competition. But I do not.
I believe a girl has to decide. Not to have boys fight over her.
So that was a bad relationship. And I said so.
I said she was a rat. And she understood what I meant. Because she didn’t want me beat up for saying that. Because they were her friends. And I was the odd man out. So I didn’t enjoy myself on the camp. That’s putting it mildly. But maybe she had a good time. I think not.
A bad time was had by all. By all three.

So don’t take somebody else’s girl. Even if she says she loves you. Unless she leaves him. Even if they are not married. You still can’t take her from him.
And I should have known better. But I didn’t think twice. I just told her I loved her. And she didn’t

mention a boyfriend. So that was her mistake. If she loved him she should have said so.
So there was no party. No party to celebrate.
But there was one. When it was all over. Because it was all over before it began. So I attended a party with her and the other man. But of course we were kids. And we were. We didn’t take things seriously. And we just didn’t.
We didn’t understand you couldn’t attend a party with two girls. Because I would have been willing to take two girls to Dreamworld if only they had said yes.
Then we would no longer be friends. Because I liked one more than the other. And I did. So I would have chosen her. But I still would have shown the other one a good time. And my friend I was not shown a good time.
Because you were my friend for a short time.
And if I had been you I would have at least walked with me. But you chose the other boy. From square one.
So perhaps you only wanted to make him jealous.

And perhaps that was successful.
Because he never bothered me again. He wasn’t angry.
So perhaps he had no reason to be. Perhaps he knew what you were like.
So I didn’t know what you were like. So you can’t fall in love at first sight. You can’t believe the movies.
Where two people can fall in love without any problems. There are always other people involved. But you can believe My Best Friend’s Wedding because it’s a new movie.
Shows how old this book is. It’s brand new.
And the movie shows the difference between friendship and love. And it does. So I should watch it. Because I am always falling in love with my friend.
Except this time. And I mean the next time. I will fall in love with somebody whom I am truly in love with.
Not Kimmie. But Kimmie. Because I think she is great.

A great little actress. And I don’t even know her name.
But by now she is in all kinds of pictures. And I will bet that’s true. So she’s today’s girl. Yesterday’s girl is the one I loved yesterday. But today’s girl will be replaced.
By a real person. Because Kimmie is only a work of fiction. But tomorrow’s girl will be a real person.
And that’s what I mean if you’re in love with somebody who you don’t know, it’s like fiction. For a while. Until you find out the truth. So getting to know someone means getting to know them, it’s not just going on one date. It’s going on many. And dating isn’t essential. And it is. You need time together. You can’t just suddenly decide to live together.
Even if you sleep in separate beds. Because someone will come along who wants to marry her. And then you will be kicked out. Or she will be. Because you mightn’t stand for it.
So don’t ask me why I know this. Because your life is not your own. You are not your own person. You are three persons in one. You are body, soul and

spirit. So when am I going to get back to college. As soon as you want me to.
Because you are enjoying this. It’s interesting to hear about somebody else’s life. But not if it’s my life.
Perhaps that’s what you’re saying. My life wouldn’t sound interesting. And it would. If you bothered to write it down. So don’t have a go at me because my life is boring.
Write down something from your own life that is just as boring. Write down how you fell in love. How you got married. What happened when you had your first child. Because that is the stuff books are made of.
But if you’ve never been successful then don’t bore others. Because that’s not what I think. I think people who aren’t successful can tell a story just as good as those that are successful.
So don’t ask me why I know. It’s obvious because I think this book is good.
So what about the future. Will I write again. Yes. For a short time. For an hour a day. Because that’s all that it takes.
It takes an hour to write a couple of pages. And writing more may seem attractive. But you tend to

use the same words again and again. And of course I do. That’s what spoken English is like. Because I spoke the words and then typed them. Just like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Except she typed them and then she spoke them. But not all of them. Sometimes she spoke first. And that’s not a bad idea for you to try. Try speaking the words and then typing them.

Why shouldn’t you type while talking? Because you can’t do two things at one time. Because I can’t talk to my cat and type at the same time. But she is meowing at me and I have to talk to her. And I don’t. I can talk to her when I am finished typing.
But it’s hard to do. Because Pixie Honey is the most popular cat in the world so one of my books says.
But it may never be published. Because talking to the cat requires concentration. And so does typing. So you can’t do both at the same time. So you can’t talk and type as well.
And you can. Because I saw Julia Roberts doing it.
So don’t try it. Try this. Type what you say. Say something and then type it. You will find the sentences are short. Just like these. And you won’t.

You will find you talk in long sentences. Because you are not a journalist. And I am. So that is true. You will talk in long sentences. And it just won’t work.
Because people don’t like long sentences. And I don’t think that will be a problem. Because you probably won’t get your book published. And you just might if they write for the deaf. Because they might have to be blind as well. Because they will see how easily you have done it. They will know you didn’t work hard. And that’s just not true. You will be surprised how good it is. Because when we speak. We speak in sentences. And when you are trying to think of all the rules you make mistakes.
So it’s a way to avoid error. And it is. If it sounds right it probably is right. But can you get it going. Maybe.
If you practice speaking for a long time. Because if you are good at speaking then what you type will make sense.
But if you are really bad at speaking then what you type will not make sense. So you have to be a good speaker. You have to be a better speaker than you are a writer. And there is no way to be sure. And there is. Just try it. Write one essay using speaking and don’t

submit it. Write another one using writing and submit it. Then ask your teacher for help. Ask her if one essay is better than the other. Don’t tell her you used speaking to make it up. And if the teacher says the spoken essay is better than the written you may be on to something. Absolutely nothing because the way to write books is to write them. You can’t speak and then type. And you can’t.
Unless it’s possible. And you can be the judge. Because this book was typed by speaking. So you don’t like it. But you used to before. Before I began speaking about being in love.
Then you are the kind of person who is really going to do well at college. Because what I had to say at first was not the best thing I said it was the very best thing I said. So I don’t have anything more to say.
And I do.
Study hard. Because this is the finish of this book.
Because I can’t come up with any more ideas. And if that were true I would say don’t speak. Because you run out of ideas. But I don’t. So it might be the same for you. You may be able to type and then speak.
Because that is the same thing.

It’s just reversed. So you can be sure that it’s exactly the same thing. That I type then speak. And then I type what I have spoken. And that works.
But it only works sometimes. When I am in the mood.
And it does. It works when I am in the mood and it works when I am not. But the very best thing you can do is learn to type. Because I never learned how.
Even though I was a journalist. Because they never taught us how to type.
But they teach typing at your school. But you’re not a girl. So what, you like girls. So throw caution to the wind take typing. Then when you can type twenty words a minute you will be better than me. And you won’t be a better journalist. You will be a much better one.
If you say you’ve done typing. The boss will want you to type. That was true in my office. So don’t tell everyone. Unless you like typing. Because it’s not a very good career.
But some people like it. Some girls think being a secretary is a good career. Until they try it. Then they wish they had done something else.

So I tried to learn typing. I went to TAFE. And I didn’t.
I went to something they call Skillshare. But nobody shared anything with me. They just gave me a book to read. And left me to my own devices. But I learned how to type. By doing.
Not by taking too much notice of the book. But just by typing. And I don’t have to look at the keys. And I do. Just a glance. And that works well. But if you can touch type it works better. And I think so. But I have never been able to learn. So maybe taking typing will help. And maybe it won’t . Maybe you won’t do well. Then you will know that being a journalist is just right for you. Because they are not great typists, they are not great writers. And some of them are. But they don’t have to be.
They just need to write in short sentences. And read a little book. One you should get. Strunk and White.
But only if you want to be a journalist. Not if you want to be a writer.
And even then. Because I don’t like it. I have read the book. And I think it begs the question. I don’t think Strunk and White is a good way to teach people how to be a writer.

And I don’t. Because I like long sentences. I like big words. I love flowery prose. And that was true once. But it’s not true now. I think Strunk and White is a great book.
A great book for writers. Because Strunk said this, if you want to break the rules you must know them.
And that is not a direct quote. But it shows I can remember one book.
One that had something to say. And you won’t forget this little book. Because it will be with you for life.
And I doubt it. But it might be different for you.
You might really like the little book. But as for me I love it. I want to read it again. And if that were true I wouldn’t have learned anything. So one read is enough. Not always.
But most of the time. If you can learn anything from a book you will learn it the first time.
And that is the way to succeed at college.
Don’t go back over old ground. Don’t try to read old textbooks. Read next weeks reading list. Decide what you want to read. And read for interest. That is the way to succeed. And the way to fail is to read last

week’s reading list. Try to find a book you missed out on. And read that.
And that will help you. I doubt it. You would think so. But what happens if you read too many books on the same subject is you get too bright. And that is not the case. You just repeat other people’s words. You lose yourself in the translation. Because you are trying to translate your opinion into somebody else’s words. And it just doesn’t work. It needs to be in your own words. Even if it is a quote. And that can work. If you express yourself well.
Otherwise they will say that the quote is not correct.
So you understand by now that it’s not easy. That people expect too much. And that is just not true. If you think that way you are right. It is not true. You don’t expect enough. Of yourself. And that’s the way to succeed.
To expect great things of yourself. So don’t expect little things of me. Expect me to do better. And you will be disappointed. And you will be. Because I just do my best. I don’t try any harder. But you can. You can try harder than your best. And that is a stupid way of talking.

And it is. If you are doing your best you can’t do any better. But if you have settled on doing your second best then you can do better.
And you can do better than that, you can do better than your best. Because you can get better at a subject.
I think not. You’re as good as you are. You can’t improve.
And that is the kind of viewpoint I could have had.
But it wouldn’t have been correct. Because I have done better than my best. And I do think so.

So I have been writing about nothing in particular.
And that’s not true. I have been writing about How To Fail At College. And I’m on the subject. Even though you may think I have lost the plot.
So what does it mean to be a Christian? That is right on target. Because that will help you get an A.
And I think so. And I really don’t. Because I really think that being too busy being a Christian is the way to fail. And if I thought that at one time I don’t think

it now. Because I understand what it means to be a Christian.
It doesn’t mean to work hard in your church group. And it does. It means to work just as hard in church as you do at work. And that is not true. If it is I’m in trouble. Because I don’t do anything in my church. Except I have the gift of prophesy. But I don’t get much opportunity to use it in my church.
So I feel left out. So perhaps I should work harder. Then people will appreciate me. And they still won’t. Because I am a college kid. I know too much. So I don’t fit in.
And that’s just not true. Stephen fits in fine. That’s what my pastor would say. But it just isn’t so. I need people my own age with similar interests. And just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t have needs. So perhaps I should find a church that is right for me. But I can’t. Because everybody at the Gold Cost is old. At least that’s what it seems like to me. And I myself am not too young. But I rarely see somebody my own age. I see people younger and older. But nothing in between. So maybe my years weren’t important. But somebody should remember them. So I am. I am remembering my own years.
When everybody I knew was my same age. And I had a great time. And I did.

But not at college because everybody was younger than me. But not the first time I went. The first time I went everybody was my own age. But when I went later on everybody was a lot younger than me. So I had fun the first time. But not as much fun the second. So I should advise you to go to college right after school. But I won’t do that. Because there are advantages in going to college when you are older.
You’re a lot more mature. You don’t think you know it all. And in my case that wasn’t true. I was mature but I still thought I knew it all.
So you have to avoid being like that. But if you are older you will get along better with people. They will treat you more like an equal. But they will expect you to treat them better than an equal. Because people have high expectations of everyone they meet. But when someone is older than them they expect a high standard. And they just don’t get it. Because when you’re older you don’t think you are. So you just want to be treated like everybody else. And that is just not possible. You have to be treated as somebody more mature.
So don’t go back to college when you are of mature age. Because you will be treated roughly. People won’t make friends with you. They will tend to stick to their own little group. And this was true when I was at college. I was a member of a small group. A

group of friends. And they all had something in common. They were Christians. And when I returned to college I couldn’t make friends. Not like before. I had plenty of acquaintances but not any friends.
And that is true. And it’s not. I had a few friends. But not many. There were a few people my own age. And I made friends with them. There were some younger people, girls mainly, who I was friends with. And that’s true. And it is. It’s easier to make friends with the opposite sex. And it’s not. I had several good friends even the second time. And they were mainly my own gender.
So what is the truth. It depends.
If you count friends as acquaintances. Or if you count acquaintances as friends. And I did. Count friends as acquaintances because I had such good friends the first time. So the truth is I had a lot of friends but not as many as I had the first time.
Because when I tried to get a Science Degree there were many of like mind. And Arts just wasn’t my cup of tea.

What I am going to say is this. Arts was not right for

me. Science was right for me. And that’s not true. Because I failed Science and I passed Arts.
But sometimes you can fail something that is right for you. And I did. I failed Science. Because I was doing a Biology Degree and I thought I was still doing high school. So I have mentioned this before but not in this way. Biology was still right for me. But only just. Because I knew too much. And I was supposed to know nothing at all.
At least I think so. There were no prerequisites for Biology. You didn’t have to do anything before you studied it.
That’s for complete morons. Because you need to know what prerequisites are. They are something you need to study in order to complete your course. And they can be high school subjects. But Biology wasn’t one of them.
They made a fresh start from the very beginning.
And that was boring. It was. Because they wanted to go back to square one. And I was already at square 1001.
So I didn’t want to go back over old ground. But I saw the point to it. I needed to learn stuff I’d learned

before. And I didn’t. But I suppose it was the same for those that had studied other subjects.
Because they had to repeat stuff too. And stuff means material that has been studied before.
If you’ve studied material before you will know what I mean. They expect different things. They expect different things from high school. And it’s hard to comprehend just how hard the work is. And that’s just not true. It’s hard to understand how easy it is.
When the work gets hard you want to go back to square one. Because you don’t understand a word of it.
So you do begin at square one. But I think they must count on the fact that you have studied Biology.
Because the work is so difficult. So maybe it’s true. Biology is not right for me. But why did I get A. Why did I get A three times?
Because I knew what I was doing, I was working too hard. I was making sure I did more than pass. And you just can’t do that at college. Because other subjects require your attention. You can’t just have a bludge.
Chemistry was the big problem. Not because I had never studied it before. But because I had studied it.

And I failed it. So I thought I could pass. I thought I could pass Chemistry. So I worked hard at it. I had no choice. And I did. I could have chosen to fail.
Because if I failed Chemistry I would fail my course. And that wouldn’t be too bad. That would be so sad.
Because I was good at Biology. But not the Biology we were studying. So to pass Biology I would have to work twice as hard. I would have to fail Chemistry.
And then at least I would have passed my major.
And that would be so sad. Because it wouldn’t do me any good. But employers should take notice of people who have passed one subject at college. Because it means they are bright. Because I only passed one subject the first time. It was Geological Field Excursions. So I know by experience, Science can be right for you at high school.
You can get great marks in junior. And go on to fail at college.
So what you need to do is count the cost of passing while you are still at high school. Because a subject may not be right for you. But because you give it so much attention you pass. But what about the other subjects. You can’t pass them all. And you can. But what about getting an A. You won’t get one. You

may get a B. But only if you work hard. Because you’ve decided to pass everything. And that just isn’t right. I realise it’s the way things are at present.
But maybe in the future people will realise that some people are good at some things and other people are good at other things. So don’t fail college. Be good at everything. Because that’s what it means to pass college, that you are good at all subjects.
And that’s just not true. Don’t believe what you hear. It isn’t true. Subjects are different. There are Arts subjects and there are Science subjects. So if you are good at everything try passing both. Then you will find out what you are really good at. You are good at Arts, that’s what somebody told me when he told me to be a writer. But nobody has ever said that. And somebody did. My father. He told me to be a journalist. Because he knew I was interested in that. And he was not right. Because I failed.
But maybe he was right because I passed. So you can look at it either way. And you can. You can say that you can achieve good results if you try harder. And that may be true. If I was a younger man. But I am not. So going back to square one is out of the question. But that is the only option I have. Because I have to start at square one to complete my course.

And that is just too true. I want to cry. Because if I didn’t cry I would be heartless. And I haven’t cried for a long long time. Not since a girl stood me up. When a girl stood me up I was angry. So I cried. But usually I don’t cry when I’m angry.

And I do. When my feelings have been hurt. That’s what you would say. So I should try to go back to college. I should forget the two years I spent there. Because that’s what I would be doing.
I would be making out that I had never studied before.
Because that’s what it’s like.
So you can see why failure isn’t an option.
Because it isn’t a winning situation. Unless you can get a job. And that depends on who you are. Because these days they try to make up a profile of who you are. At least that’s what I understand by the new school based assessment. And I think that is a good thing. But I got a job. Based on who I was. By simply presenting my TE score. And that isn’t true. I presented my school certificates and my resumé. But I didn’t have one. I had gone straight from school to college. And I got a job. As a clerk. Not with the

railways because that sounds bad. But with the head office because that is the truth. And I thought the job was great. It was just the kind of work I wanted. And it wasn’t.
It was very boring, very repetitious and I was unhappy.
And I was. I kept wishing that I could write. Because I’m good at writing. But there was no writing involved in my job.
And that is true. So if you’re good at school you might get a job. If you’re very very lucky you might get a job at the head office. And I think so. I think I was lucky. Because I have never got another job since. And I have done work experience and even volunteered. And that is sort of true. Because I didn’t find volunteering to be satisfactory. And I do mean very. Because it wasn’t too bad. At least you could enjoy your lunch. Because the work was so dull you couldn’t enjoy that. But they needed help. They didn’t need advice. So it wouldn’t matter if you were bright, you would be given dull work to do.
So interesting work is what you can expect. Because you will fail college and you will. Because you will read this book and you will worry yourself sick. So you will get an interesting job taking out the trash. So

don’t worry. Try not to. But don’t be stupid either. If there is work to be done, do it. Don’t say I don’t feel like it. Don’t go off somewhere and cry. Because you could do that if the work got you down. But do the work. Do it every day.
Because you’ll be working for the rest of your life. Doing a job you enjoy.

College is not the place for me. Because I am too old. That’s what one man told me when he said he wouldn’t consider going to college. But he should have said yes. That I am old enough to go to college. Because I can still get a job if I fail.
And of course that’s a stupid way to look at it. Because most people pass. That’s what he would say. And perhaps he is right. But I don’t think so.
I think many people fail. And they don’t pass. Not in the first year. And that’s the truth. They don’t pass first year. So you can expect a lot of applications for study in the future. Because they will have read this book. And it will discourage them so much that they won’t apply. And of course it won’t.

It won’t discourage anybody. And of course it will.
It will discourage people who have the wrong idea about college. People who think that parties are important. Because I only went to one and that was meant to introduce students to the lecturers.
So the future is important.
So don’t read this book. Because your future may be different. You may pass everything. But if you do read it you may succeed beyond your wildest expectations.
Because reading the book can’t do you any harm. It can only help you to succeed. But it won’t help me.
Because I have decided not to go back to college.
But what if I made the opposite decision. What if I decided to go back. What would I do.
I would study hard. During the day. When I would normally be having a long lunch. I would not speak to my friends during the day. And of course that’s not true. But it’s not entirely false. I would speak to them a little bit but not a lot. And I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t speak to them a little bit. And that’s the way to fail college. To forget your friends. Because you may pass. But your friends can help. They can help you

get a higher grade. And they can. That is what you say. But I would say the opposite.
That your friends can’t help you get a higher grade. And they can. Because they know things like when a lecturer is going to fail you. Because you know the story. A friend told me to write an essay because I missed a tutorial. But I missed being loved. That’s what I would say now. Because the friend may have been right. But I wasn’t there. And to get my big chance I had to be there.
So the lecturer just said no. Even though I normally attended. So what’s the moral to the story. Don’t trust a friend. Especially if he isn’t a close friend. Because he may be wrong. But there is no way of being sure. And there is one. Go to lectures yourself. Don’t ask other students for notes. Do your best to never miss one. Then you won’t fail. Because when your big chance comes you will be there. You will say I knew I would get a chance.
And I knew if I missed a lecture I would miss my chance. And your chance may be a test. It may be an essay.
It may be something to help you pass.

And if you miss out you won’t fail. Because you won’t get a chance. It happened to me. But it may not happen to you. You may never get a chance to pass.
And I think you won’t. Because you won’t listen to this advice. You will say an essay can’t help you pass.
But you would be wrong. One really good one could. One that was intended to help you.
An essay that’s intended to help you could be just what you need. And that’s the way to fail for sure. To be convinced that I am right. That the lecturer knows you personally. Because he just might.
That’s what you say. But think how many students are in his class. He doesn’t get to talk to all of them. But he knows their names. And that is true. So he is watching to see if you say something.
So he can remember your name. And that’s the way it is. The lecturer wants you to remember his name.
And he wants to remember your name. But if you never say anything. The lecturer will find it hard to remember anything about you. Unless of course your work is very good. Then the lecturer will notice you. And that is not necessarily so. He may not.

Because everybody’s work may be good. In which case you will have a hard time passing. Because they are not going to pass everybody. At least that is my opinion. They will pass the ones who do the best. So don’t hope for failure. Don’t hope for some big exam that will help you to make up for past mistakes.
Because I am a failure. I failed college. And I didn’t get a second chance. But I was pleased I was offered one. And that is not the way to think. The right way to fail college is to admit what you did right. That you passed some subjects. That you did well in some subjects. And then you will realise why I have succeeded at something else.
Because I worked hard at college. And if you don’t try hard at college you can’t expect to succeed in the real world.
So to pass is great. To fail is not. So I want you to pass. And I do. So listen to this advice, don’t read my book. Try to do what is says. And if you do that you will succeed.
Because the book is nearly finished. It is nearly fifty pages. And so you know how long it is.
Because you have a copy. And you may not. Because maybe someone was too narrow to publish it.

Maybe they said it’s not quite long enough. That’s why it’s going to be a little bit longer. Because publishers will expect that.
But I don’t think it’s right.
Because I think the book is finished. So I am going to finish it right now. With a single word. Study.

This book is not How To Fail At College. And it really isn’t. It’s another book.
It’s Why I Am A Christian.
And it would be if I wasn’t writing that book already. So it’s a new book not at all like the old.
And that’s just not true. It’s the same as the old. And it just isn’t. It’s totally different.
It’s How Not To Do What I Did. So it’s not How To Fail At College.

And it really isn’t. It expresses disgust. At what I will do to achieve success. Because I must have wanted it bad. And that wouldn’t be a good book.
And it would. But I don’t think I’ll write it.
Because I have another book in mind. And I just do. It’s Why I Am Not A Christian. Because I’m not.
Because I’m not kind. Because I hate that title. And it’s one the Lord would like.
Because he would like me to explain why I’m not a Christian. But I don’t want to. And of course that isn’t true. He would like me to explain why I am a Christian. So I will write this book, Why I Am A Christian. Because it suits How To Fail At College. And it really does. But I am already writing it.
It’s at the end of What It Means To Be A Christian.
So what am I going to write. A book that is just right for this one. How To Succeed At College.
Because then I can change the title. So people will buy the book. And I’m not going to do that.
So what will I write. How To Succeed At College.

Because I have already written it. It just needs a new title. So it won’t be recognised.
Because that’s what this is, a new title that will not sell the book. So I won’t make up a new title. I shall just write a new book. And the new book is Why I Am Not A Christian. Because it has to be that.
Because I can’t think of anything else.
And I can. But this title is for good. The others were for fun. The title I have in mind is A Christian Is Not Good. It’s about getting an A. And I think it’s a good title. And it shows I don’t know what I am talking about.
Because that’s what I think of it. It’s really bad. Because a Christian is good. So that should be the title. A Christian Is Good. And I like it.
Because it can be about achieving good results. And it just won’t work. Because I never achieved good results. So I can’t write it.
But I can write this, A Christian Is Great.
Because I was great at college. A well known fellow. And I was about as great as it is possible to be. So you would hate that book. And so would I.
So what is this book going to be on.

Nothing. Because it is fifty pages long. And I want it no longer. And that would be stupid. Because you may never read it. So to make you happy I have one title. And it is this. What It Means To Be A Christian. Because that would be good.
So that’s what it is. I’m not writing Why I Am A Christian. I’m writing What It Means To Be A Christian. And I have already written it.
And it’s great. But it’s too short. So it needs another book. So why not this one. Why not How To Fail At College. Because it is a good book.
And it’s not right for the other one.
Because both books are good for making money. So I shall come up with one last idea.
How To Fail At College. Because I can continue it. But only as the same book.
Obviously not. It can be continued but only as a new book. So it shall be this, College Is Great.
And that is not my last title. It’s just not.

I am going to call my book College Is Great. Because that’s a good title for the front cover.
And I don’t want to call it How To Fail At College. And of course I do.
But college is great to end the book. College Is Great to end the book.
So I shall just call it College Is Great and end the book. Right now.
Because it will take some time.
Because the book has to be a certain length. And it has to be good enough to be published.

 

 

 

 

 

College Is Great

 

College is great is what I am calling the last part of this book. And it is right to say this. It’s not a good title. And of course it is. It is if you know what college is like. So I do.
And it is great.
It just is. When you are young. Because I went there when I was young. And I did. And I had a great time. Because I had friends. Not just any friends but really good friends. And college is like that. You can make some really good friends. And you can also fail at college because you are too friendly. You can make friends with everybody. Everybody who is anybody.
And you can still succeed. And you know that you can’t. Because you have friends that don’t like you.

And that doesn’t matter. And it does. Because they will tell people that you enjoy yourself. That you never study. And they will be wrong. Because you do enjoy yourself but that doesn’t mean you don’t study.
And even if you did study you would never pass.
That’s what I say. Because enjoying yourself is not what college is all about. And if I said that I would be telling a lie. Because I enjoy college. Not just the students. But the people. Because the people are the students. And they are. But what about the other people. Can you make friends with anybody. Yes you can. You can be friends with the janitor. Who is a Christian.
Who doesn’t like other churches because he believes that COC is the best. Then you can make friends with the post office staff. And they will know when your money comes through. Because they care.
And they can’t care about everybody. And you know what they do. So it’s not only me that can make friends. You can make them too. By going to college.
And that’s where it succeeds. The book. It makes people want to go to college. But it should do the opposite. That’s what I say. It should make people afraid to go to college. And it just should. Because

they may end up a failure. And I didn’t want to end on that note. I wanted to express my disgust. With the popular view of college. That you can make a million dollars before you’re twenty. But I didn’t do that. I did the opposite. I wrote about how good college is.
So you will understand why college is great.
And that’s the only purpose in writing. To give you an idea of just how great college is.
And I have said that before. And I haven’t.
But I am saying it now. College is great. Not only if you pass but even if you don’t. And that’s not the popular view. And it is. But I want to say just the opposite, that college is great whether you pass or whether you don’t. So how many times am I going to say that. Only once. The first time. Because I don’t believe it. Of course I do. And if I do I’m not sensible.
Because you go to college to become somebody new. And you just do. And that is a stupid idea.
That somebody else will leave the college.
Because it won’t be you that leaves. It will be somebody else. And of course it won’t be.

It will be. Because you will have a degree.
And that makes you a different person than before you had one. And obviously it doesn’t. So going to college won’t change you. You will still be the same person. You may feel different. And you will. You will be a little older.
But when you’re old enough you will know the difference between truth and error.
And you won’t. Because you will be a Christian.
And that is not possible. I could never be a Christian. And you just might be. Because they have college groups called ECF. And that means Evangelical.
And it doesn’t mean Christian, it does. And the last word is Fellowship. And you will know what that means. And you won’t until you experience it.
Because fellowship is what college is all about.
And it really isn’t. That’s what I say. College is about being friendly. But fellowship is a lot different to friendship. And it just is. So go to one of the groups. And discover whether you want to be a Christian.
Because they will have a night especially for people who aren’t.

Not a good night but a great one. Because you will see a film, one that you want to see. And you will have tea with a girl. One who is already a Christian.
And she will tell you what it’s all about.
You may think that is a little strange. But that’s the way Christian groups work. They get you caught in their web. By offering you something, friendship.
That’s what you say. And it’s just not true. They won’t make friends with you. Because they want you to become a Christian. And that’s the way people think.
They think Christians are out to get them. And they just are.
And of course they are. They want you to be happy. And they have found that Jesus makes them happy. And they really have.
So you can have a great time at college. You can join a Christian group. Then you will have the best friends you have ever had. Friends from all over.

Because you may attend a group that is from everywhere. And you just will. Because the group will have a meeting for other people.
People from the town. Then you would learn that people are still people even if they are not at college.
And you would find that they are not all your friends. Because at college they all are. But in the real world only a few people will be your friends.
And you think that is a bad thing. Of course it is. Because you have chosen to become a Christian.
And not everybody likes Christians.
And of course everybody does. And that’s just not true. But some people like Christians, people who aren’t. Because I should say people who are. But not all people are prejudice.
And you are. You don’t like Christians. And you do. But not at college. Because they get in the road.
There are things to do. Places to see.
And people to meet. And being a Christian would make life difficult. So become one. Because they like

going to see places too. And they enjoy meeting people.
And you say not the kind of people that I enjoy meeting. And you mean a girl. But Christians aren’t girls. And they are. So don’t be a pig.
Learn how to fall in love. And then you will get married. When you have learned what it means to say I love you.

What It Means To Be A Christian is the title of this book. But this is on college is great.
And it just isn’t. It’s on what it means to be a Christian. And that book is finished. So why do this book. Because this book is called How To Fail At College. And it has nothing to do with What It Means To Be A Christian.
And it just doesn’t. So why did I begin by saying what it means to be a Christian.
Because I thought it was wise to talk about what it means to be a Christian. And I do.
I do think it is wise. Because the second half of this book is College Is Great. And it’s just not. Not for people who aren’t Christians. And even for them.

So I want to get over my initial concerns.
Because I am concerned about How To Fail At College, that it needs to be long enough. That is why I am writing the second book. But I want the second book to be right. Right in every way. And it won’t be.
Because How To Fail At College is finished. And I don’t want another book.
And that’s not true. I do want another book. Another book written straight after the first one. College Is Great. Because I shall finish it.
But only if you want me to.
And if you don’t. Don’t bother to buy it. Because you won’t be able to read it.
And of course you will. But it won’t be published.
Because it is only fifty pages long. So you can decide if that is long enough. You don’t have to read College Is Great. And you really don’t.

But I would like it if you did. Because I want to finish my book. And if you don’t like it. I won’t be able to.
College is not great it is just hard. There is nothing interesting about it. And that just isn’t true.
You can get interested in what you are studying.
But only if it’s comprehensible. Because sometimes what you study is not.
So you just have to do your best. To understand things that aren’t really easy to understand.
So don’t do your best. Don’t try to understand things that are too hard to understand.
And if you feel like that go to another college.
One where things are simple. One where you just have to work for a living. A college of TAFE.
Because they may not be hard to understand. And that’s what you think.
And you are just right it isn’t easy to understand a lot of nonsense. And some things at college are just not easy to understand.

And they just are not as easy as you think they are. Because you think just by listening to the lecturer you will understand all you need to know.
And you just won’t. You have to read. Not a lot.
But a little. You have to read what you have written down. On your paper. The one that says it belongs to you. Because you will write. Not just read. You will write down what you read.
Until you are fed up with writing. Because that is what college is all about.
It’s about writing down things that you can remember.
Things that you can remember from the books that you have read.
And it really is. But you have to keep accurate notes. Because you have to have some way of recalling where a passage was.
Because a passage is all you need.
And it’s just not. You can just copy. You can just write down everything you can remember.

And that will work. But after you have done that you have to figure out just where you got it from. And to you that makes no sense. And to me it doesn’t either. But that is the way to succeed at college by not writing down anything unless you can prove that you have made it up yourself.
And that’s not easy. It’s very hard. Because you have read a lot. And you have memorised some things.
But you don’t know what you are doing.
So you don’t have any idea what the subject is all about. So you just copy. You don’t learn.
And that is good. Because you’re not expected to. You’re just expected to copy what other people say. And if you do that you will pass.
Because that is a negative attitude.
And it just is. But a positive attitude is much better. You need to do your own work. You can’t copy. Not one single thing. And when you do you have to say sorry. And that is right. To say sorry.
So it adds up to not doing your own work. Because if you do you will not pass. You will get an A.

And that is just true. Because the lecturers are fair. And don’t you ever doubt it. Because nobody does at college. You don’t ever tell a lecturer he is unfair.
Because he will tell you that the others are better than you. That you are just not good enough. He won’t ever doubt his own ability.
So don’t you be like him.
You doubt your own ability. You see if you can understand what others are doing. Because he might be right. They may be better than you.
And if you can understand, don’t tell him.
Tell somebody else, the teacher. Because there should be one. There should be somebody to teach.
Who you could ask why you are not being honest. Because a teacher is not better. And he just is. That’s what you will say. Because lecturers won’t answer your questions. And they just will.
But not too many.
And lecturers want you to approach them when they are in their office. So they can show you around. And tell you what they are writing lately.
But they can’t see everyone. And they just can.

Because that is what they are there for.
And you will find many students don’t bother.
Because some lecturers know what they have told the students. Enough to pass. But not enough to get an A. So they should tell the students more.
But then it would not be their work.
And that is the attitude you must put up with.
Until you pass. Then the lecturer will let you have a little more. More than you think.
Because he will do just the opposite.
And he will when you pass, he won’t tell you as much. And it doesn’t depend on how good the question is. And it certainly does. He will answer good questions that show you really know what you are talking about.
Unless you don’t. Then he may try to help you pass. Or he may not bother. But some lecturers care a lot for young girls. And they don’t care about young men. And they just do. But young girls want to be close to the lecturer. And they just do.
So they get more chance to speak to him.

So naturally they don’t do badly.
So if you are young be a girl. Because it gets results. Hang out with the lecturer. Get to know him. Then he won’t mind answering your questions.

How To Fail At College is finished.
And the new book has just begun. Because the new book is College Is Great. And it just is.
But you don’t think it’s good. And you don’t.
Because I have been talking about what college is really like. And you want me to tell you the truth. The truth is college is great, everything I have said before is true. College is just about as great as you make it. If you want to be a loner you don’t need to make friends. And you can spend all your time studying. And you won’t enjoy one minute of it.
Unless you do well. And then you will not enjoy it either. Because there will be no-one to say you’ve done a good job. And you say I’m wrong. That study is what college is all about. And I say that is just why you should read this second book.
Because you need to understand that college isn’t great. That it’s not fun. That you will fail.

And you say that’s not what I need to understand. And you’re not wrong. You need to understand the opposite, that you can make a killing at college by writing a book. Because you should plan to. When you have your degree.
Because no-one will buy your book otherwise.
And that is just not true. You can write it while you are at college. And you will not be a success.
Because you have to be a good writer. To be a success at college. You can’t get away without doing it. So you think you can. You will study Science. And you will never get asked to write an essay. And that is far from the truth. Science is hard. But not because of essays. That’s what I say. It’s hard because of hard questions.
That have to be answered in the right way.
And it’s hard because of essays. Because you have to do writing for scientists.
And you just do. But that’s all. And it’s not.
You have to do Liberal Studies. You have to be an Arts student. You have to be an Arts student to pass at Science. But if you think you don’t have to be a Science student to pass at Arts then you are right.
Unless you want to be a psychologist. Then you are

going to study Science. But it’s an Arts course. And Psychology is not a Science.
But Psychology is a Science. But you will have to work hard because it is also Arts. And Arts’ students have to write.
So if you can’t write. Don’t go to college. Because you say you might be able to learn.
And I say if you haven’t learned by now you will never be able to do it.
Because it’s hard to be a good writer.
And it really is not. A good writer doesn’t find it hard. But you think to write is not to write.
You think it’s to speak. Because you are a great speaker. So there may be some hope. You may be able to type while you speak. But this takes time.
And it’s not easy. But you think you can do it. And I ask you to think twice. You have to be able to write by typing. Unless you’re good with a pen. That’s what you say. But I say no. You have to type. And type without making any mistakes.
You have to type without making any mistakes.

And that just isn’t true. Because you can use a wordprocessor. If you have that kind of money.
Because they cost a fortune. And they just do. Unless you just want to buy a computer.
Then they don’t cost as much. Because a computer can be used as a wordprocessor. But not all computers are any good. And they just are not. That was true at one time. When I bought one. It cost me more than a few hundred dollars. And it was broken before I used it. Then I could have got my money back. But it was broken after I used it. So I could not get my money back. Because the computer was no good. And it didn’t have a printer. And if it did have, I didn’t understand it. Because it required you to purchase something called a computer. Because it might as well have been called that. That would do the work of a computer. So you know what I mean.
Because you bought a Sega. When they were first on the market.
And you had problems with it too. But not as much as I had. Because it was of no value at all.
And eventually I gave it away. I actually gave it away. To somebody I thought could fix it. But he couldn’t. There was something wrong with it.

That he couldn’t fix. So don’t go for the first computer you see. Because it might be good or it might not be. Because some people sell computers. That are second hand. And they have a disc.
A disc inside of them. That is called a hard disc. And it can be damaged. And if it is. Your computer is not worth two bob. And they erase all that is on the hard disc. Including the operating files.
So they have to be replaced. And not easily done. That is what the man said. Because the computer wasn’t working. You couldn’t access these finds. That’s what I said. And he said no.
That meant the computer was worth nothing.
Because you couldn’t use it. Not to do anything important. Not to do anything.
Perhaps you could use it as a wordprocessor.
That’s what he seemed to think. So he was prepared to give me a good deal. Because I wanted a computer. And his were not expensive. But I decided not to buy. Because I didn’t think the computers were any good. And they just were not.
So don’t you do the same thing as me. Phone up and say you have changed your mind.

Because you shouldn’t change your mind. And that is just totally wrong.
You should change your mind. If you see what I saw. That the discs were completely erased. And that they couldn’t restore the operating instructions.
Because they are instructions to the computer. And you might know the right word for it.
You might say operating system.
And I think that’s just not it. But I haven’t used a computer for a long time. But you know what I mean. That I understand what a computer does.
And I don’t know the right word for everything.
And you think that is stupid. But will you think that after you have been to college. I think not.
Because you will understand how to use computers. That you don’t need to understand how they work. And you do if you want to be a programmer.
And you just don’t. You don’t if you want to be a systems engineer. And perhaps then.

But you won’t be doing that for a while.
You just need a computer you can use for wordprocessing.
So buy one that you can be sure is a good one. Buy one from a second hand store. A good store.
Not like Cash Converters but like Cash Converters. And you will get a computer that works.
Don’t buy one from a motel. That has just been set up yesterday. Or you may never see your computer.
Because you may want to pay it off. And you may pay a big deposit and hope to pay the rest later.
And you may never see your computer again.
But you can always take it back to the second hand store. And you can. If you deal with a good one.
They will fix it free of charge. And they won’t be able to. But don’t underestimate them, they may be able to. If they can, your computer will work.
At least for awhile.
So what is my suggestion. Don’t buy a new one. Because that is too good. And it just is.

But I’m not going to college and if I were I would want a good one. Because I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a room. Trying to do my best.
When other students were there. So I had someone to talk to. Because that is good. And you know it’s not. It’s good to be alone when you work. Because you work better. So you will need a computer.
And you just will. Because only a computer can correct mistakes. But have you seen the latest typewriter. It corrects mistakes.
Even mine does and it is old. Not too old but too old. But a computer is better. For no reason.
Because you should understand them. But not if you’re not doing Computing. And that is just true. You need one if you’re doing Computing. But if you’re not, use the latest typewriter.
It will be easier to use. But it won’t have a spell checker. And it just might have.
But you can use a dictionary. And unfortunately that will not be good enough. Because they expect perfection. But spell checkers are not perfect.
Because they do make mistakes. So you think I’m wrong. And you don’t know. But you’re sure of it. Because your spell checker doesn’t make mistakes.

So let me in on your secret. It’s not your spell checker but it’s you. You don’t make mistakes. And that’s what you have to do if you want to use a typewriter, you have to make no mistakes.
Because they will take points off for every mistake. And they just will.
So don’t make any.
And you say that’s easy. So you will do well at college. But if you say that’s hard. Use a wordprocessor. If you can buy one. If you can’t use the machines at your college. If you can ever get one. And you could always get one at the DDIAE. But now it is a university.
So you can’t get one. That’s what you will tell me.
And I will say, what about at two o’clock in the morning. And you will say that’s the busiest time. So I must be wrong because I thought only a few people would be there.
But maybe I’m right. Maybe there are only a few people there.
And if I’m right don’t be fooled. It’s a trap. You go to bed at an early hour. And you work during the day. And in the afternoon.

But don’t work at night. Have the night off.
And I wish it were that easy. But you may have to work at night. But not until two.
If you go to bed reasonably early you will not feel tired the next morning.
So buy yourself a computer. And do your study at home. Because that is the best advice.
That’s what I think you will say. Because you won’t be tired and you won’t be lonely.
And you will. You will miss your friends. Because you will be at college all night.
And you won’t even leave the next morning.
Because your assignment will still not be finished. And that is what awaits you.
Because you won’t work for one hour every day. Because that’s what it’s supposed to be.
But it’s not. It’s an eight hour day.
Many hours can be spent studying. But they should all be put together. By staying up all night.

And if you say that, then you are in trouble. Because it’s the way to succeed. And it just is not. The way to succeed is to start assignments as soon as they are given. And to do the right amount of work every day.
And never say this assignment is due. I will have to work all night. Because unfortunately you don’t have to. You can say I’m sorry. I want to lose marks.
Because that is what you will say. If an assignment is due because you won’t work every day. And to pass you must.

What you will say is I can pass college. You will say I can’t fail. But the trouble is you are right. You can’t say otherwise. You can’t say I will fail. You have to have faith. But you can’t have faith forever. Because eventually you won’t succeed.
And of course you will. You can do anything.
And that kind of talk will get you everywhere. And it just won’t. Because you can’t do anything. You can only do things that are right.
So think that way. And eventually you will pass. But not everything. And the trouble is you can’t fail. You just can’t fail a subject. Not even if it’s an option.
And you can fail. Because of just one subject. And

they will still give you your degree. And they just will. If you study for three years. And they just might not. Because they say you must do all of the work.
And they don’t say that. That’s what you say.
And you may be wrong. Because they may do things that you don’t expect. Like telling you to repeat the whole year. When you have only failed one subject. And that seems fair. It just doesn’t.
But it’s fair to those who succeed. Because they haven’t failed. And you have.
So don’t cry foul. Don’t give up. Keep working until you succeed. And that is good advice.
Because you can’t repeat a year. And you just can. If it’s your last year. But if it’s your second year you can still repeat. But what if it is first year. Then you should forget it. Because first year is easy. And that’s what you may be told. But it isn’t true. It’s just not.
You can’t pass first year. And that’s what they will tell you. That you’re not good enough. That is why they didn’t give you a pass. So if you do it again they may say exactly that. That they don’t think you can pass.

So you have a stroke against you. Even if it’s only one subject. So you have to be good at school. And you just don’t. You can fail at school.
And if you do you won’t pass college. Because the subjects are easy at school. And they are not easy at college. So don’t pass. Fail. Fail at everything.
Because that’s what you may say. That it doesn’t matter that if you can’t get your diploma.
It is better not to pass anything.
And it just is not. Because you may be able to get your diploma. By leaving college. Because that won’t do it. And it just might. Because you might be able to get a degree from a college. One that gives them away. Because there is such a college. And if so I want to go. But why go there. Because they will do it all by mail. You just have to write your masters thesis and they will give you a degree.
And that’s just about as silly as it gets.
I would never do that. And you just don’t know. You just might if you thought you had a talent. That you couldn’t get recognised.

Because you have to be stupid to get a degree that costs money. And that’s what some people think. But they don’t think it any more. Because there is a college which gives away degrees. And there just isn’t. There is no college where degrees are easy to get.
And there just isn’t one. And you say I know of one. One university where the standards are low.
They never get in the top ten. And that’s just not true. And it is true. Some colleges are not as hard as others. And I know it’s not true. Because they want to become universities. And they do. And they are not already. And they are. So they are no longer colleges. They just are not. The standard is much higher. And that’s what they want you to think.
That they are a university. Even when they are still called a college. Because they know what they will be in the future. A university.
So don’t go to college thinking it will be easy. They want students to have a good time.
And that is just true. And you really think so.

They want students to be the best possible students that they can be. That means they want them to have high standards. So that they can get employed.
And they worry that their degree means nothing.
To the people who matter. So they make every effort to make it as hard as possible. And they just do. So that isn’t what you want from a college.
And I don’t agree. Because I am in charge of one.
And I’m not. So I do agree. I think college should not be as hard as it is. But you think I’m crazy to say college is hard. And it just isn’t. That’s what you say. And you are the smartest student in college.
You must be. Because you never find it hard. And I would say every student finds it hard. But some can do it. Because they are not dumb. They are the smartest students. The very best.
And they just are. But what about the people who aren’t that smart. They are failed.
They never get a degree.

So you think that’s good. You never understood anyway. When people told you they wouldn’t pass. You never understood what they meant.
Because you have never failed anything.
And you know you don’t exist. Because everybody has failed something. And you know you do exist.
Because you haven’t failed. And there are people like that who never fail. And there just are.
But you are not one of them.
So you’d better get ready to fail. To fail at more than one subject. And then to do those subjects again.
Because that is what it means to fail.
Because you may not pass. You may not pass those subjects. And you may never get your degree.
And so you know what that feels like. Because you just put the book down and cried.
Because you read it before you failed. And you said that won’t happen to me. And it did happen.
So now you know why it’s called How To Fail At College. And you just do. Because I have a solution and I just do. To forget college. If you have tried your best. And you still can’t pass.
Because I’m going to write about life after college. And how it can be alright. Because things may not be too bad. They may be just terrible. And that is being negative. You did your best and you didn’t succeed so what hope is there. There is hope.
Because you can do something different. Something that isn’t as hard. And you just can.
And maybe you will find that you are happy. If you don’t give up altogether.
If you give up altogether you will be happy. Because you will have nothing to do. Because you won’t be able to get a job. And you won’t have a friend.
And you say that’s just not true. That there must be somebody who still likes you. And there is not.
Because you gave up. And your friends don’t like somebody who gives up. And that’s just not true.
My friends will understand if I can’t succeed. And they just will. But will they.

And of course they won’t misunderstand. They will understand that you could have continued to try. But that you didn’t. That you didn’t do anything after college. Because you couldn’t do anything even if you wanted to. And you just couldn’t. Because you were not young enough. And you were still young.
But not young enough. So that’s why you shouldn’t leave college.
Because you are young enough to get a job. And you will get one if you don’t leave.
And that is the way to look at it.
Not this way. That if you leave college you are still young enough. You can get a job. But not the best job. The very worst one. The one you don’t want.
The one that means spending years at the same job. Without any chance of getting a better one.
And that just won’t happen. But it might.
You might not get a better job. And that is just plain stupid. Because you might get a better job. If you work well. But if you do get a better job you will face the same problem as before, you will have to work hard.

And you know by experience what hard work is.
Because you haven’t passed college. But you still know. Because you have done another job. And you haven’t.
But you know how hard college is. So you know a job will not be easier. And you just are wrong. A job can be much easier. And it just can. If it isn’t a very good job.
But if it’s a good job it will be as hard as college. And you can’t be sure of that. Because you have never done a good job. And I can tell you that I have.
And to remain employed you have to work hard. Because the boss will say you’re not doing enough. Because he thinks you can handle the job.
But you know you are doing as much as you can.
And that is what the boss will say, you can’t do any more. And it just isn’t. The boss will say work harder. And you will say I’m not going to.
So you will wind up without a job. Because you wouldn’t work hard. So college is the place to start.

You should begin there. And work as hard as you can.
And if you can’t work any harder you may fail.
Because that is what I will tell you, that you can’t work too hard. Because you will just get too tired. And that is just true.
But if you don’t ever have a break you will pass. And that may not be true. But it is true.
When you say the word break, you mean a long break.
You mean more than one hour. And that just doesn’t work. You can’t work longer than one hour. And you just have to. But I know how it feels. You want a cup of coffee.
And you can be thankful you can have one. You can have a short break. But not a long one. You can’t spend three hours trying to relax.
Because unfortunately that is what you will want to do.
Because you will have been in a long lecture.

That is more than a couple of hours.
And you will see a break on your timetable. And you will say the next two hours are free. And that’s what you will do.
Because I know you. And I just don’t. Because you will say I will spend the time working.
And you will not succeed. I will.
Because I will take a short break. Not long enough. That’s what I will say. Because it will be five minutes. And that is time for a cup of coffee.
And you really do have to work that hard.
And you just don’t. But I will say what all students say. The day is young. Because that is what they say when they begin to fail.
They say there is still a chance to do better. By working harder.
And there just is no chance. Because you have decided to take a five minute break.
And that means you will not succeed.

Because you will. That’s what I say.
The man who takes an hour break will not succeed.
Because he has time to make up. So he must work till all hours. And he must not. He must work one hour longer. But if he doesn’t work an hour every day, assignments won’t be done.
And they just will be. Because he will stay up all night. Because that is what it takes. To be a success. You have to stay up all night.
And I’ve told you before that it is the secret to being a success. To work during the day.
To spend the night doing nothing. And of course you’ll do something, you’ll do work.
So you have to work night and day.
And they don’t tell you that. And of course they do. They tell you how many hours you have to work. But they don’t try very hard to be accurate.
And you know what I mean. They try to make you feel good by telling you a lie.
So you have to work harder than they say.

And you just don’t You only have to work as hard as the handbook says. And you will find out how right that is when you are serving hamburgers. Because it’s not enough to work hard.
You have to spend time in the library.
And the library is the place to work. And it just is not. Because you can get into a rut. You can look at books and never read one.
And you just can. So read one book. One that is on the reading list. And you can’t find it. So read another. But it isn’t there either. So you have wasted some time. So don’t ask the lecturer where the books are. Do exactly that. Tell him you can’t find anything. And he will tell you he has one. On reserve. For special cases.
Like yours. And he just might tell you that it’s competitive. That if you start early you will get the books. But everybody says that. And they just do. So you think it’s not fair. Tell somebody. Then you will get a bad name. And you will. Because you should never say it’s not fair. Because surely you can use a computer. Surely you can order a book in. Because you can. If it is really important.
And somebody will do that who wants an A.

They will hog the computer. And they will find out how to use it. And they will order books from other libraries. But they won’t come in time.
And they will waste their time. And they just might not. They just might get the books they want.
But they have hurt everybody. Because people in other schools need books. And they might order yours. And you say it’s likely that they will not.
But I say it’s not likely that they will either. Somebody at your school has the book.
And you can find out who. And tell them to give it back. And they just won’t. They will keep it for the whole time. And of course you could complain.
But you would have no success.
Because she would say no. Because it is a girl who has the book. And she got in first. So she knows what it is worth. It is worth an A.
So you know what to do, use a different book. You only need one good one. And that is not true. You need more than one. And you just don’t.

You can have the shortest bibliography ever. And you will not pass.
So what am I talking about. Nothing. That’s what you say because you have been to a library. And you could always find books. But other people weren’t looking for them. And they just are.
So you think it’s crazy that you need more than one book. And you are wrong. Because you could write it but it would be your opinion. And that’s just it. It would not be. It would be your opinion of the book.
And that wouldn’t be alright. Because they expect you to use a lot more than one book.
And the girl who thinks her book is just great. May not be wrong. Because she may have chosen the very best book she could have. But if she just uses that book she will not pass.
And you think she doesn’t know that. She knows it. She has another book. One that she also has kept from day one. And she knows she will pass.
But she is wrong. They expect you to read more than two books. But not more than three.

longest ever. You have to go to other universities. And then what will you get for your trouble, just a pass. Because you borrowed and you did acknowledge. And that is what you are supposed to do.
But you came up with your own idea, one the lecturer didn’t like. And he was just fair. He said you will pass. But you didn’t listen to him. And that’s not important. It is very important. You have to have your lecturer’s idea. That is his big picture.
If you don’t understand that you will just pass. Because of the amount of work you have done.
But pass well. Use your lecturer’s big idea. That means listening when he is speaking.
And it won’t be easy to follow. That is why it is important.
And it will be easy to understand because you will do the reading. And you will do more than just pass, you will get an A.
So put a piece of paper in the typewriter. Because this is the end of this book.

And you will want to write one of your own. So begin now.
Because I am finished and I’m just not. I have one more thing to say. Study.

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