GODDESS OF ATLANTIS
Short Film
Email: pancakes_on_broadway@hotmail.com
Goddess of Atlantis is an hilarious comedy of a self-absorbed goddess, who is faced by many problems (at the age of 17). With many twists and turns, and crazy love triangles, this play is sure to make EVERYONE love another Bentvelzen original!
CHARACTERS
GODDESS
JESTER
RIGHT HAND MAN
SLAVE
PRISCILLA
GWYNETH
LAUNDROMAT GUY
MOTHER
FATHER
WANG DANG JACKSON – THE GOD OF THE PAST
FANNY – THE GOD OF LONELINESS
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT TIMES
JOAN OF ARC
JOSEPH STALIN
THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD
ACT I SCENE I
Lights down. Music being played (Orbital Lush 3-1). Lights (basic wash) up. There is a throne USC. Enter GODDESS, who sits at her throne, looking bored, twirling her staff, and looking at her watch. Basic wash down, strobe light up. Enter JESTER and RIGHT HAND MAN (RH MAN). RIGHT-HAND MAN has a bunch of papers in his hands and stands on the left side of the throne, reading the papers. JESTER moves in front of the throne to entertain the GODDESS. JESTER is unsuccessful in doing so.
GODDESS Cease!
Strobe light down, basic wash up.
Oh I’m so bored, how can I make myself less bored?
JESTER (Doing appropriate gestures) Look I’m stuck in a box, again. Why did I employ myself as a jester? I always get stuck in a box, or end up climbing some sort of broken ladder.
GODDESS looks at the JESTER with dull bemusement. The more bored GODDESS looks, the harder JESTER tries to be entertaining.
JESTER Look! I’m falling off a mountain! Whoa! Into the mouth of a lion. Now I am an ant!…um…Look at me, I am an…ant!
GODDESS (continuing to look at him with dull bemusement, sighing). Just take him away back to his cage!
RIGHT HAND MAN begins to drag JESTER off stage.
JESTER At least get the smell out of there first! It smells like my droppings, I’m also running out of room and…NOOOO!
Exit JESTER. GODDESS turns to RIGHT-HAND MAN questioningly.
RH MAN Alright, the news today. Here’s what we got in the mail.
GODDESS Ahem!
RH MAN Oh, sorry. I mean the ROYAL mail.
GODDESS That’s better.
RH MAN I shall read your letters. THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD says (Reading) “Goddess of Atlantis, I am very upset that you keep killing my merchants every time they enter your border. They are only there to trade corn and carrots, they have done absolutely nothing wrong - and you killed them and took all their corn and carrots! If you continue in this fashion we will have to declare war on you. PS: stop sending threatening letters in the mail to my 6-year old son. I know it’s you since you always sign them with ‘yours threateningly, Goddess of Atlantis…wait no I’m not!’ at the end of them.” (Normal) Your next letter is from Joan of Arc.
GODDESS Who’s that?
RH MAN You know, the powerful female ruler of France.
GODDESS Huh?
RH MAN Big French revolution, going to invade England…doesn’t ring a bell…?
GODDESS Oh Joan of Arc! I thought you meant Noah’s Ark, I’ve already sent my apology letter and 3 dollars compensation for drowning his kingdom in water…what ever happened to that guy?
RH MAN (Sighing) Oh, anyway Joan of Arc says, (Reading) ‘Goddess of Atlantis, your recent spending splurges on stocks of ‘Pretty Waterproof Mittens’ from my country has meant that you now owe my country of France 3 Billion Francs (which is a lot these days). If you do not pay up in one week, we will declare war on you. PS: stop getting graffiti artists from your country to spray ‘Joan of Arc is a skanky ho’ on my private residence! I know it’s you, because they keep writing, ‘from Goddess of Atlantis’ underneath!
GODDESS That skanky ho! Send orders to have her killed immediately.
RH MAN Uh, I’ll get right on it….wait no…these are issues of grave importance. You can’t just have people killed every time you offend them or they want to invade your country or something slightly bad happens to you while you visit their country-
GODDESS (Interrupting) Oh thanks for reminding me, when I was walking through the Chinese Empire the other day to get my yearly olive supply, it was a tad drizzly and this ruined my beautiful hair which I spent all day getting pretty. Destroy the Chinese Empire and all their inhabitants!
RH MAN (Sighing) Fine…again!
GODDESS Oh, and when you’re finished that, bring back all their olives!
RH MAN Yes Goddess! Beat. You have yet another letter from Joseph Stalin, commander of the Soviet Empire.
GODDESS yawns.
RH MAN He writes, (Reading) “Goddess of Atlantis, please stop stealing our chickens! We know it’s you because we saw all those feathers outside your castle! The Soviet Union now has all 350 of its nuclear ballistic missiles aimed directly at your residence. P.S. stop making fun of my big bushy moustache! I have it to attract the girls you see. It’ll be successful one day…I request that you remove the term ‘grotesque foul-smelling horrible beyond all imagination moustache’ from your country’s constitution!
GODDESS But he just looks like a sleazy 1970s pornstar! (Points to some random guy in the audience) This guy knows what I’m talking about. Beat. And their chickens are so tasty! I’m not backing down!
RH MAN This is just what I’m saying, now you have three countries very peeved off at you, so you need to take some responsibility for your actions, and try and make peace sometimes.
GODDESS Oh you’re right, you always are you smart, smart man. Oh god, I am in a lot of trouble now. I need something to take my mind off all this royal bullshyte.
(Long pause)
RH MAN Look, I can get our best diplomats talking to those countries right now and we might even be able to get out of this without a major war or you being assassinated…
GODDESS How about instead of that…JOKE TIME! Alright who’s first? Beat. Alright, how about that ‘jester’, or so he calls himself.
RIGHT HAND MAN exits and re-enters dragging JESTER behind him.
JESTER Thank you! Thank you! Please don’t ever send me back there again!
GOODESS Oh god he stinks! Take him back to his smelly cage, and don’t let him out until he stops smelling!
JESTER (Kicking and screaming as the RIGHT HAND MAN takes him out). NOOOOOO!!!!!
Exit JESTER. RIGHT HAND MAN returns.
GODDESS Now who will entertain me? Beat. How about you, Right Hand Man?
RH MAN (Uncertain) Um…ah…alright, here is the joke of the season. What
did the sea say to the sand? Beat. Nothing, it just waved…umm…hahahahaha!
GODDESS I am not amused. It’s a good thing you have looks…oh wait, you don’t. Beat. I wish someone would tell me funny jokes. I wish someone appropriate to this situation would walk through that door…right…now…
(Pause)
That’s right. I want someone to walk through the door…right…now…and say something funny. If they did, I would appoint them my Royal Slave!
They turn towards the door, obviously waiting for someone. Pause.
This is taking an awful long time.
SLAVE, who has been sitting in the audience, walks towards the throne..
SLAVE Hey, I left my bike out the front of the castle, does anyone have a spare key? (Aside) Boy! Goddess Atlantis sure is cute!
GODDESS (Laughing hysterically) That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in years, what’s your name, young man?
SLAVE Huh? Funny? Me? Wow, I think that’s the first compliment I have ever had in my life…I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. Oh well, I’ll just stand on my head.
SLAVE stands on his head.
GODDESS (Laughing hysterically) This guy is always on! Wow! I am now officially making you my official ‘Royal Slave of Entertainment’. It’s a very prestigious title young man, congratulations! (Aside to RIGHT-HAND MAN or audience) And what a bonus, he seems to be very gay, so he won’t hit on me or fall in love with me like all the other ‘Slaves of Entertainment’ I’ve had, and so I won’t have to torture and kill him like all the rest! (To SLAVE) So what is your name?
SLAVE (Uncertain) I don’t think I have a name.
RH MAN Goddess, I think you should do something, the enemy troops are massing on the borders as we speak!
GODDESS Silence! (Slaps him hard) This is far more important! Right. Your name. Why don’t you have a name?
SLAVE Well. Beat. I don’t know.
GODDESS Why don’t you know?
SLAVE I don’t know. Beat. Well, my parents said I was an accident, that’s why
they didn’t name me, they couldn’t be bothered. They didn’t tell me why, though.
GODDESS Riiight! Well, ‘Royal Slave of Entertainment’, I shall call you…Slave.
RH MAN Goddess! Please, the enemy!
Lights start to fade.
GODDESS Silence! The scene is about to change.
Lights down.
ACT I SCENE II
Lights up. GODDESS is freshening herself up; her friends, PRISCILLA & GWYNETH are helping her. RIGHT HAND MAN is there also, standing by the throne, on the left-hand side, awaiting orders. SLAVE is standing on the right hand side of the throne, awaiting orders. JESTER is sleeping on the floor, in a ball, like a dog, by the throne. There are chairs on either side of the throne.
PRISCILLA (Holding a brandy) Oh, you look so gorgeous Goddess!
GODDESS (To GWYNETH, who is not paying attention) Ahem!
GWYNETH Oh yes. You look so gorgeous red dress!
GODDESS AND PRISCILLA roll their eyes and ignore her comment. GODDESS sits on her throne, PRISCILLA & GWYNETH sit in the chairs.
GODDESS Where is that Laundromat guy? I have clothes for him to clean.
JESTER Maybe he’s cleaning out my cage. Hahahahhahahha!
Everyone stares at him.
GODDESS (Calling) Oh, Laundromat guy!
Enter LAUNDROMAT (LM) GUY, who prostrates himself before GODDESS’ feet.
LM GUY (Looking directly at her feet when he speaks). What is it your glorious, beautiful, oh so heavenly magnificent fee…uh, I mean (Looking at the GODDESS) fairest Goddess?
GODDESS Laundromat guy, my clothes are dirty again!
LM GUY I have a name you know. It’s-
GODDESS (Interrupting) I don’t care! This is more important! Now, clean my clothes!
LM GUY Again? This is the third time this week, and it’s only Monday.
GODDESS Right Hand Man! Prepare for a hanging!
LM GUY Alright. Alright. I’ll do it. Anything else?
GODDESS (Removing her socks) Yes, my socks as well.
LM GUY Are those…bare feet? (Very excited. Aside, very loudly). HER FEET ARE EXPOOOOOOOOOSED!!!
GODDESS (In “cute” voice) Yes, I am rather proud of my feet, they are cute aren’t they? I especially like my twinkly little toes. (Threatening) Don’t you?
LM GUY Oh yes! Your toes are like little baby blobs of pink sugar, they are so irresistible, they are…(About to lick them, just pulls himself up short).
GODDESS (Impressed, interested in this strange fellow) Hey don’t drool on my toes, you know that’s a hang-able offence!
LM GUY Right, right. Sorry! Goodbye feet, I mean feet, I mean Goddess, I mean FEET!
Exit LAUNDROMAT GUY, staring at her feet as he leaves.
GODDESS (To no one in particular) Did you see the way he was staring at my feet?
RH MAN Yes, I know. I’ll make sure it never happens again-
GODDESS (Interrupting) I think I’m in love!
Lights down.
ACT I SCENE III
Lights up. GODDESS is sitting on her throne, JESTER and SLAVE are standing either side of her, JESTER on the right, and the SLAVE on the left. Enter RIGHT HAND MAN.
RH MAN (To SLAVE) You’re in my spot.
SLAVE I believe you’re mistaken. Beat. Anyway, you’re a Right Hand Man, aren’t you supposed to be on the right-hand side of the throne?
RH MAN Um…well I can explain that… You see, in 1465 there once was a man, and this man thought that to asphyxiate oneself was remarkably rewarding, although economically challenging. And the number googolplex was very relevant back then-
SLAVE (Moving to right hand side of throne. Interrupting) Oh shut up!
RH MAN Anyway, (To GODDESS) your parents wish to speak with you.
GODDESS Damn! Beat. Um…just tell them some lie. Just tell them I’m busy!
RH MAN They say it’s important.
GODDESS (Sighing) Alright, fine. Send them in.
Exit RIGHT HAND MAN, who returns moments later with MOTHER & FATHER.
GODDESS (To MOTHER & FATHER) What is it?
MOTHER (In English accent, shaking, nervous) Well darling, w-w-we wanted to talk to you about your a-arranged marriage.
GODDESS (Standing, shocked) My what?!
MOTHER Your arranged marriage, darling.
GODDESS My arranged what?
MOTHER Your arranged marriage!
GODDESS My what marriage?!?!
MOTHER Your arranged marriage!
GODDESS My what?! What?!
MOTHER (Sighing) You must wed one of the gods before your eighteenth birthday.
GODDESS (Sits down, relieved and laughing) I thought you said that I had to wed one of the gods before my eighteenth birthday!
Pause. Everyone looks at the GODDESS, puzzled.
You don’t seriously think that I will marry one of the gods?
MOTHER Well honey, it is sort of a rule for Goddesses to only marry Gods.
GODDESS (Standing) Silence, you deceitful old sow! Beat. I’m not going to, and you can’t make me!
MOTHER Yes darling. (To FATHER) Maybe we should go, honey?
FATHER NO! Beat. (To GODDESS) You will do what we say. You are our
daughter! And furthermore, I think you should stop stealing my potato pies!
MOTHER (To FATHER) Calm down honey. (To GODDESS) Your father seems to think he can just stop drinking, have you noticed?
FATHER (To MOTHER). I’m fine dear.
MOTHER (To FATHER). No, you’re not fine. You haven’t had a beer in three days!
GODDESS Father, I order you to drink!
FATHER NEVER! Beat. Have I mentioned how much I love plants? In fact when I am all alone with one… I feel kind of excited.
GODDESS Ewww! Too much information, father! Now, I won’t say it again. I order
you to drink! Listen to yourself, you’re talking gibberish.
MOTHER (To GODDESS) And a-another thing. W-w-why do you keep us locked in the d-dungeon? W-we’re really sorry for w-whatever w-we did.
GODDESS ‘Sorry’ wont give me the ‘Princess Cutie’ Barbie I always wanted as a child will it?
MOTHER & (To GODDESS) Please forgive us?
FATHER
GODDESS Never! (Breaks down, crying) Send them back to the dungeon!
Lights down.
ACT I SCENE IV
Dull lights up. Enter SLAVE stumbling, carrying a bottle of alcohol. Very drunk, SLAVE continues to stumble around the room for a while, up to audience members, hiccupping, saying random, improvised things to the audience. Such as, “what are you looking at?”, “You, you think you’re better than me?”, “You can’t tell me what to do.” etc. Enter JESTER to see what the SLAVE is doing.
JESTER What are you doing?
SLAVE (Stumbles up to JESTER, almost falling, hanging on to JESTER’S shoulders). She doesn’t love me!
JESTER What? Who?
SLAVE The Goddess. She doesn’t love me!
JESTER (Pushing SLAVE off his shoulders. SLAVE falls to the ground). Well you are…(Snigger) gay.
SLAVE (Picking himself up) What?
JESTER You’re gay. Why would the Goddess love you, if you’re gay?
SLAVE But, I’m not gay.
JESTER Um…yeah you are.
SLAVE I’m not! I think I would know if I were gay or not.
JESTER You sing ‘It’s Raining Men’, like every day.
SLAVE ‘It’s Raining Men’? I love that song.
‘It’s Raining Men’ is played. SLAVE dances around singing.
JESTER (Interrupting). Well, there was a time when I loved her, but then she locked me in a cage with my own filth, and that kind of ended the relationship. (Sighs)
‘All Out Of Love’ is played. JESTER gets down on his knees, emotional, singing.
SLAVE Well, what should I do?
JESTER (Annoyed). I don’t know! I think she’s too much trouble, and you should avoid her for your own good! But, I gotta go, I’m late for my monthly bath.
SLAVE (Sighs) Won’t anyone help me with my loneliness?
Lights down.
ACT I SCENE V
Lights up. GODDESS is sitting on her throne. RIGHT HAND MAN is on the GODESS’ left side of the throne, JESTER on the GODDESS’ right, sleeping in a ball like a dog. SLAVE is also on the GODDESS’ right.
GODDESS Well I guess I’d better let these Gods have an audition, so I can at least get my so-called parents off my back for a few days. It should be nice to be around the presence of superior beings who have supernatural powers and can inspire awe in the hearts of the bravest of men for once (Sighs)
RH MAN Please Goddess, before I call in the Gods, could you please do something about the impending war?
GODDESS What about it?
RH MAN Well, I think you ought to know that, although these countries are enemies with one another, they are so peeved at you, that they are willing to unite together to declare war on you!
GODDESS And…?
RH MAN Well, I think perhaps you should take action. I mean, there are even countries that we have never heard of, that are apparently angry with you, and well, they mean war.
GODDESS Look. I really don’t have time for this. I have to wed one of these stupid Gods about to come in.
RH MAN But they-
GODDESS (Interrupting). There’s no time for ‘buts’. Now, call in the Gods.
RH MAN Enter the God of the Past…Wang Dang Jackson!
GOD WANG DANG JACKSON enters the room, and bows before GODDESS.
RH MAN Goddess of Atlantis, I would like to introduce to you God Wang Dang Jackson, the God of the Past. He ‘predicts’ the past, especially really obvious things that just happened. He is of Chinese nationality, but for some reason thinks he is a black…um…‘homie’.
GODDESS (Confused) Riiiight!
WANG Yo yo! My homies, let’s keep it real or NEIN!
GODDESS (Confused) Riiiight! (Aside to RIGHT-HAND MAN). He speaks German as well?
WANG Damn! You are one fine looking non-black, non-Oriental Goddess, yo mama! (Does weird hand action). Werd! Now using my godly powers up tha East Side my niggaz, I predict that three nations from different eras in time will declare war on you, Shanghai style, up tha West Side, fo’ sho! Your kingdom is in for some tight black-ass cap bustin’, YO YO YO all tha way to Tokyo YO YO-
GODDESS (Interrupting). Fascinating. Seems you live up to your title after all. Thank you, Wang Dang. (To RIGHT HAND MAN) Bring in the next God.
RH MAN Enter God of Loneliness!
FANNY enters the room and bows before GODDESS. Everyone looks shocked when they see the ‘God’.
GODDESS That’s a woman!
RH MAN Yes, quite right you are. (To SLAVE) Why do we have a Goddess here?
SLAVE (Very unsure) How the hell am I supposed to know?
GODDESS Tell me your name, so I can report you to…to…me…(Coughing)…and then when I hear my report I am going to be one mighty ticked off bi-
FANNY (Interrupting). I am Fanny van Pickiewick. I (Breaking down, crying). I…I’m just so lonely! When-whenever you feel lonely, don’t worry, I’ll be there to…to…I’m just so lonely!
GODDESS Just great! These aren’t real Gods! Where did you Gods come from, the bargain basement department of heaven? First I get Mr Confusing then I get an emotionally-shattered, unattractive, middle-aged woman!
FANNY Oh that just makes me even more lonely! (Cries)
GODDESS Ahhh! Just bring out the next God!
RH MAN Enter God of Unnecessary News at Irrelevant Times!
GODDESS Enter who?
RH MAN God of Unnecessary News at Irrelevant Times.
GODDESS Oh, of course.
Enter GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT TIMES, running.
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES (Out of breath) A Young Brazilian woman killed her uncle…now they’re dating!
Everyone looks at him, confused. GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT TIMES looks around at everyone, shifting his eyes, waiting for a response. Nothing happens. Standing in a crazy pose, he shifts his body straight, acting serious, for the situation. Changing his tone of voice completely, he moves towards the throne, to GODDESS. He kisses GODDESS’ hand and kneels before her.
Did you know that if there were no such thing as gravity, I wouldn’t be able to kneel before you, and kiss your hand?
GODDESS No. I had no idea. Please do go on.
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES (Uncertain) Did you hear about the overweight woman that turned one hundred for the first time and won the lottery all in the same day? Now she’s behind bars in the scandal that rocked the retirement home!
GODDESS (Gazing into GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT TIMES’ eyes. Interested in this strange man) Why, isn’t he a charming little fellow! Although I must say your title is completely inept in describing you, this isn’t even news it’s just gossip, like if I watched an episode of Today Tonight! Although I do like to hear a little gossip now and then-
SLAVE (Cracks. Waves his arms around in anger. Races up to the throne to GODDESS, acting as if he’s been running, out of breath, etc.) Goddess! I Love you!
GODDESS But, you’re gay!
SLAVE No, I’m not!
GODDESS (Sniggering) Fine!
Suddenly the GODDESS bursts out laughing. The rest join in, just to please her.
SLAVE (Yelling). Stop laughing at me! I really do love you!
GODDESS But, how can you love me? You’re gay! Very gay in fact! I mean that’s the whole point why I hired you, so you wouldn’t come on to me and generally irritate me.
SLAVE But, I’m not gay!
GODDESS Yes that’s all well and good, but how can you be gay and love me?
SLAVE I’m NOOOOOOT GAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!
RH MAN Methinks he doth protest too much, m’lady!
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES Lebanese bricklayers steal some cellulite from fat kid, now they want it back! Beat. And we chase this doctor, why won’t he tell all your friends your embarrassing medical secrets?
GODDESS Silence!
GODDESS (Sighing) What is with these gods? It seems it’s easier to become a god than it is to get into U.W.S!
WANG Yo Yo Yo! My bustin’ black ass resents that…ummm…Yo Yo Yo …um…Old school!
GODDESS Oh please! You ‘Gods’ must have come from the shallow end of the God gene pool! Just leave. All of you! and by ‘you’ (In evil tone) I mean the gods!
Exits Gods, murmuring to themselves as they leave.
GODDESS Those ‘gods’, or so they call themselves, are pathetic! I can never marry them! I don’t love them! But whom will I marry? Who on God’s gracious earth will I marry? Who will I love?
SLAVE Ahem!
GODDESS Don’t get me started on you again! Beat. The point is…Who?
LAUNDROMAT GUY enters the room in slow motion, winking at GODDESS, and to no-one in particular in the audience. Eventually, and still in slow motion he moves up to the throne, to GODDESS’ feet.
GODDESS Just the man I want to see! (Aside) But, I can never love him. He’s not even a god! (Sighing) So, what is it you want, young man?
LM GUY (Looking directly at the GODDESS’ feet as he speaks) I was just wondering if you would like me to clean your socks…again.
GODDESS Again? Well, yeah go for your life. (Takes off her socks, and hands them to the LAUNDROMAT GUY). I just don’t see why-
Before GODDESS can finish, LAUNDROMAT GUY, takes GODDESS’ socks, and runs out of the room.
GODDESS …you should clean my socks again. (Sighs, a sigh of love). Right Hand Man!
RH MAN Yes, m’lady?
GODDESS Make a note. Beat. I’m in love!
Lights down.
ACT I SCENE VI
Dull lights up. GODDESS is alone. SLAVE, LANUDRO-MAT GUY, GWYNETH & RIGHT-HAND MAN are also alone somewhere in the room. They are all spread out away from one another. Spotlights are shone on each as they speak. The others freeze, in the darkness.
GODDESS (Looking up at the ceiling.) Why? Why must I marry one of the Gods? How can I marry someone whom I don’t love? (Sighing) Why can’t I marry someone like…Laundromat Guy? Beat. (Starts to break down, crying). I don’t even know his name.
GODDESS freezes in her last position. Spotlight down. Darkness. A few seconds, then the spotlight on SLAVE, wearing disturbingly gay clothing. Mostly pinks and yellows etc.
SLAVE Why does everyone think I’m gay? Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say I love the Goddess? (Sighing). Why won’t she love me? I even try to impress her with my sexy new outfits. (Breaks down, crying). I’m so desperately lonely!
SLAVE freezes in his last position. Spotlight down. Darkness. A few seconds, then the spotlight on LAUNDROMAT GUY.
LM GUY (Kneeling before someone in the audience, practising a proposal) Will you let me be your future husband? Beat. For your feet? Beat. Damn! It’s not good enough. (Gets off his feet). I know, I know, her feet will never feel the same way about me, as I do about her feet. (Moves away from the audience member, to another. Kneels before their feet) These are not beautiful feet! I would not even spit on these feet! Or maybe…(About to spit, but stops himself). No!
LAUNDROMAT GUY freezes in his last position. Spotlight down. Darkness. A few seconds, then the spotlight on GWYNETH. GWYNETH is singing happily while doing a silly dance on the spot. After about fifteen seconds she freezes, then spotlight down. Darkness. A few seconds, then the spotlight on RIGHT HAND MAN.
RH MAN Doesn’t she realise that if she doesn’t take action now, her kingdom and country will be destroyed? We must take action now! Why must she ignore this? I’m only trying to help protect her and Atlantis. (Looking and talking to ceiling) What should I do? Someone help me! Won’t someone help me?
Finally, after some time, FANNY enters the room to help RIGHT HAND MAN.
FANNY What is it, my child?
RH MAN Well, the Goddess never listens to me. I’ve told her many times that war has been declared on her. The enemy draws. Yet, she won’t take action! She’s constantly distracted and playing silly games! What should I do?
FANNY Well, my dear. Have you tried talking to her?
RH MAN Excuse me? That’s all I’ve ever been doing! Talking to her! Telling her about the current issues!
FANNY P-Please don’t yell at me (Breaks down, crying). Boohoo!
RH MAN I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to cry.
FANNY It’s not your fault, I’m just so lonely! (Crying) Thus my name.
Pause.
RH MAN (Confused, prompting) The Goddess of Loneliness?
RIGHT HAND MAN hugs FANNY for comfort. They freeze in last position.
Spotlight down. A few seconds, then the spotlight on SLAVE.
SLAVE Why doesn’t she love me? Why does she think I’m gay? Won’t someone help me?
Enter WANG DANG JACKSON to help SLAVE.
WANG Yo Yo Yo! My niggaz! (To SLAVE). Sup Sup diggidy dawg?
SLAVE Where’s the God of Loneliness?
WANG Hey! My black butt is better than her lily white ass!
SLAVE Huh?
WANG Never yo mind. Now, what’s wrong, bra?
SLAVE I’m in love with the Goddess, but she doesn’t love me, and also…she thinks I’m gay!
WANG Aren’t you gay? Er, I mean maybe this will make you happy. With my godly powers, I will now predict that tha Goddess must wed a God, and only a God, must she wed! Old school!
SLAVE (Crying) Boohoo!
WANG Sorry my kung fu chicken lover tai bo friend. Er…um…Old school! ….and werd! How ‘bouts I predict tha bad ass 80’s?
SLAVE (Very unsure) Well-
WANG (Interrupting). I predict that in tha bad ass 80’s tha Berlin Wall had fallen. That is wack up tha ying yang!
SLAVE (Crying) Boohoo……ooooo!
WANG Whoah! Home dogs, maybe I should work on my act! YO! This is like some kind of Yangtzee river syndrome fro’ tha heart o’ China.
WANG DANG JACKSON and SLAVE freeze in last position. Spotlight down. A few seconds, then the spotlight up, on LAUNDROMAT GUY.
LM GUY How will I ever get her feet to love me? Someone help me? Wont someone help me?
Enter FANNY to help LAUNDROMAT GUY.
FANNY (Crying) No! No! I don’t want to hear any more problems! No one ever wants to hear my problems!
LM GUY Well, what’s the matter?
FANNY I’m just so lonely! No one loves me! Why doesn’t anyone love me?
LM GUY Well, maybe you don’t pay enough attention to people’s feet?
FANNY Excuse me?
LM GUY Feet. Pay attention to people’s feet. You’ll win anyone’s heart!
FANNY Really?
LM GUY Yeah, definitely. Just stare at those beautiful curvaceous feet…and the twinkly toes…they are delicious. (Kneeling down before FANNY’S feet). I want some right now!
FANNY (Whacking LAUNDROMAT GUY away) Stop it!
LM GUY (Standing up, a little startled). I’m sorry. And no offence, but they’re just not the same.
FANNY (Hugging LAUNDROMAT GUY) Thanks Laundromat Guy.
LM GUY My name is actually-
Before LAUNDROMAT GUY can finish, FANNY runs out of the room, happy. LAUNDRO-MAT freezes in last position. Spotlight down. A few seconds, then spotlight up, on GODDESS.
GODDESS What should I do? Please someone help me! Beat. Ahem! I said, please someone help me!
Pause. Enter GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT TIMES.
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES Lawyers! Their lawyer-to-client confidentiality! What does this really mean and what do they have to hide?
GODDESS What the hell are you doing here?
GOD OF UNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES Um…uh…umm…these con men want your money to steal celebrities’ cellulite, now they’re fat unemployed single mothers who don’t want you to know!
GODDESS Just get the hell out of here!!!
GOD OF UNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES (Shocked, looks down at feet, sad, sulking a bit). Yes ma’am.
Exit GOD OF UNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT TIMES.
GODDESS (Really angry). Arrrggg!! (Breaking down, crying). Why me? Why me?
GODDESS freezes in her last position. Lights down.
ACT I SCENE VII
Lights up. GODDESS is sitting on her throne, holding a piece of cardboard, and a small piece of paper, and seeming as though she’s thinking really hard. RIGHT HAND MAN is standing on the GODDESS’ left. JESTER is sleeping in a ball like a dog on the floor, near the throne. SLAVE is standing on the GODDESS’ right.
GODDESS (Holding out cardboard and paper). Someone read this for me!
SLAVE Oooh oooh! Me! Me! Pick me!
GODDESS No, you’re too gay and illiterate.
SLAVE Awww!
RH MAN Me, m’lady?
GODDESS No, I’m so sick of hearing your voice! All day it’s (Impersonating RIGHT HAND MAN). Blah blah blah! I’m Right Hand Man!!
RH MAN Well, what about the Jester?
GODDESS Ewww! No way! Too ugly!
GODDESS then turns to the audience’s direction, looking around, squinting her eyes. Pointing at random people in the audience making comments like, ‘Eww!’ ‘Who on God’s gracious earth could ever spawn such a child?’, ‘There’s not even a word to describe how bad this guy looks!’, etc.
GODDESS (Pointing to some random person in the audience). You! Get up here immediately!
RIGHT HAND MAN drags AUDIENCE MEMBER on to stage.
GODDESS (Handing AUDIENCE MEMBER the piece of cardboard, which says ‘INTERMISSION’) Hold this up! (Handing AUDIENCE MEMBER a small piece of paper). Read this!
AUDIENCE I’m just a stupid person from the crowd
MEMBER As you are all aware
But I do know that now it’s intermission time-
GODDESS (Interrupting) Where’s the singing? Sing it!
AUDIENCE (Singing) So please get out of here before the Goddess really loses her MEMBER temper
It’s the Goddess’ nap time and disturbing her is punishable by death, then torture.
GODDESS Well done, now you may leave.
Lights down.
INTERMISSION (5-10 minutes) Music being played during intermission. The music is ‘19/2000’ by Gorillaz.
ACT II SCENE I
Lights up. GODDESS is sitting on her throne. RIGHT-HAND MAN is standing on the GODDESS’ left hand side. SLAVE is standing on the GODDESS’ right hand side. JESTER is sleeping in a ball on the floor like a dog. The GODS are also there, standing on either side of the throne, near the others.
GODDESS -And that’s the meaning of life!
RIGHT HAND MAN Sighs.
SLAVE Oh, Goddess, you are so smart!
GODDESS I know, and speaking of me being pretty, look (Pointing to her watch) it’s 26:76am on my Goddess Watch. You know what that means!
RH MAN (Aside) I keep telling her, it’s just a gag watch and always tells that
time.
GODDESS It’s time to sing the national anthem!
Everybody in the room looks at each other, confused and nervous.
RH MAN National anthem?
GODDESS Yes! You know, the one I’ve been making you practise over and over and whipping you when you stuff up a single note?
SLAVE Oh! That National Anthem.
GODDESS (Getting annoyed, losing patience). Yes! NOW SING IT! Everyone!
Everybody in the room runs around like idiots trying to get in front of the throne in their places. They spread out evenly, facing the GODDESS.
GODDESS Now, after three. One, two, three!
(Slow, smooth style, very anthemic.).
RH MAN We could make a song about Atlantis’ beautiful hills
JESTER How we make the finest wine in the world
SLAVE And ducks with beautiful bills
EVERYONE But we’d rather sing about our special lady.
The one you all know soooo
If you do not believe us my friend
SLAVE (Quickly) She will hit you on the head really hard with her garden HOOOOOOEEE
Pause
EVERYONE (Cool groovy style, fast, Disney-style) It’s….the GODDESS!
OH!
The Goddess!
YEAH!
The Goddess of Atlantis!
She’s got such wonderful hair
And we all just stop and stare. OH YEAH!
THE HAAAAIR!
We love her nose, we love her toes!
They’re so cute and cuddly!
She has vast riches, gold and jewels
And for no reason, she tries to breed mules!
And by the way she didn’t write this song
If you say otherwise
(They gesture to SLAVE)
We’ll make the Slave wear a thong!
SLAVE Oh, ok. Wait I’m not gay!!!
EVERYONE (Harmoniously). Yes he iiiiiisssssss!
(SLAVE sulks. Singing turns to Gospel style).
RH MAN Do you be-lieve it my brothers?
EVERYONE Hell yeah! I believe!
RH MAN Do you have the faith my sisters?
EVERYONE Hell yeah! I have the faith!
RH MAN Goddess Sarah, we love her so
EVERYONE You’d better believe it, you skanky mofos!
RH MAN She built the Berlin Wall, then knocked it down!
EVERYONE But that ain’t all!
RH MAN She cured cancer, and many other diseases!
EVERYONE She does whatever she pleases!
RH MAN And she’s a vegetarian, she hates meat!
LAUNDROMAT GUY bursts through the door.
LM GUY (Opera style). And she has oh-so sexy feeeeeeeet!
(All look at him weird, except for GODDESS who appreciates it. Long pause, then all dance crazily).
RH MAN (Harsh soulful voice). Sing it with me everyone! She’s the only goddess in the world so, therefore, the best Goddess in the World, oh yeah!!
GODDESS Break it down!
(Rapping). I gotta little problem
You will see!
I’m just too damn good
At being me!
(Motioning to the GODS) I don’t believe in gods
But if there were three
I would be all of them!
In this great place to beeeee…
(Chorus in gospel style).
EVERYONE ATLAAANNNTISSS!
Oh, ATLANTISSSSSSS
GODDESS (Rapping) Our city Atlantis may have sunk,
To tha bottom of the ocean.
But I brought it back up,
With a smooth cool motion.
EVERYONE (Harmoniously). Cool motiiioooon!!
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES On an unrelated topic,
Have you heard the notion
That she also invented this skin tan lotion! (Holds up lotion).
WANG DANG YO! YO! YO! YO!
EVERYONE (Sung ‘shoo-be-doo-be-doo’ style)
Three days ago, there was a tidal wave
As high as three mountains, heading for our city
But our Goddess, yeah, she drank this wave
Before it could kill us…and isn’t she pretty!
SOOOOO PRETTY!
And a week before that she built…
WANG The Great Wall of China…Old school!
EVERYONE And assasinated Adolf Hitler
All in the same day!
Oh yeah, can’t you hear us saaaaaayyyyyyy…
She’s the greatest, the best, the one and only….
FANNY (Interrupting) Oh god, I’m just so god damn lonely!
Everyone is clapping their hands, and clicking their fingers along.
EVERYONE She’s the best, the best Goddess.
RH MAN In the Wooooorrrrlllld! Oh yeah, I said the best in the world!
(Grand Finale) Oh yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh! Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!
RIGHT HAND MAN bows before the audience, as do the others. GODDESS is looking very pleased.
GODDESS Thank you! I needed that! And yes, I am the best Goddess in the world. Beat. But, do you know what would make my day even more complete?
RH MAN What would that be, m’lady?
GODDESS A funniness competition!
SLAVE A what?
GODDESS (Getting angry). A funniness competition! I will select two people to compete with each other, they shall tell jokes, and the funniest of the two shall receive a prize!
JESTER And what will that be, m’lady?
GODDESS Um, the person who wins, um, shall be occasionally let off their lead into the garden.
EVERYONE Wow!
JESTER That’s a prize everyone can enjoy!
GODDESS And since I’m feeling so non-bitchy today, the loser won’t receive death,
(Gasps from everyone).
But instead receive The Walk of Shame.
RH MAN Wow! That’s very nice of you, m’lady!
GODDESS Nice? Nice? Beat Don’t ever say that word again! Now, go to your room and spank yourself!
RH MAN Yes, m’lady.
GODDESS (Aside) I don’t do that to him so often because he enjoys it so much.
Exit RIGHT HAND MAN.
GODDESS Ugh! Now I have a headache! Beat. Can we begin? Um, Slave and Jester you do it!!
JESTER & (Looking at each other, a little nervous). Um, okay?
SLAVE
JESTER (To SLAVE) Good luck. You’ll need it!
GODDESS Come on, come on! Begin! Slave? You start!
SLAVE Er, okay. You know, the other day I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian, guess what? They laughed! Um, hahahahaa!!!
GODDESS I am not amused! Your turn, Jester.
JESTER When is a door not a door? Beat. When it is ajar!
GODDESS Oh my god! That’s brilliant! (Laughing) How do you come up with that stuff? Beat. Your turn, Slave.
SLAVE You know what? I’m so funny, even the bones in my arms are humerous!
Hahahahaa…ha!
GODDESS (Sighing) Oh dear! Jester, your turn!
JESTER What is green and sings? Beat. Elvis Parsley.
GODDESS (Laughing hysterically) This guy’s always on! (Stops laughing suddenly) Slave?
SLAVE Er, did you hear about the guy who fell out of a plane? Beat. He fell 4,000 feet and landed in a tub of lemonade. How did he survive? He landed in ‘soft’ drink. Hahahahaha!
GODDESS Slave, you have become such a disappointment! Now, the winner is, and always is…Jester! Congratulations!
JESTER Yes! I am the best! Take that Slave, you stupid bit-
GODDESS (Interrupting) Indeed. Well, I’m afraid Jester that I find locking you up in a confined space more interesting than having you running around in my garden.
JESTER What!?
GODDESS (Calling) Right Hand Man?
Enter RIGHT HAND MAN.
RH MAN Yes m’lady?
GODDESS Take the Jester away back to his cage!
JESTER (As he is being dragged out of the room) Not again! Noooo!
Exit JESTER. RIGHT HAND MAN returns.
RH MAN Goddess, I know that you’re not in the best mood for this, but, we must take action!
GODDESS Action? Whatever for?
RHMAN The war! Your country is under attack!
GODDESS Under attack?!
RH MAN Yes! Three towns and a city have been destroyed! They are now heading for your castle!
GODDESS Oh God! What should I do?
RH MAN Well, you could-
GODDESS (Interrupting, knowingly) I know. What if we tell them that this is the wrong country they’re attacking?
RH MAN What?
GODDESS Tell them that this isn’t Atlantis! Then they’ll say, “I’m so sorry, we thought this was Atlantis.” Then they’ll leave! It’s a perfect plan!
RH MAN Um, I don’t think that-
GODDESS (Interrupting) Then, as they’re leaving, we’ll attack all their countries! Yes! Yes! I love it!
RH MAN Err, I really don’t think that that is the best idea.
GODDESS And why is that?
RH MAN Well, I just think that there could be a better way to solve this problem.
GODDESS You know what, Right Hand Man? I’m really getting sick of you and your, um, I’m getting really sick of…you!
RH MAN I’m sorry, m’lady, but-
GODDESS (Interrupting) No, I don’t want to hear it! Just get me all their numbers, and I’ll call them eventually, and tell them, this isn’t Atlantis, and I’m not the Goddess of Atlantis.
RH MAN Yes, ma’am!
GODDESS This is going to work, I can feel it!
Lights down.
ACT II SCENE II
Lights up. GODDESS is sitting on her throne. GWYNETH and PRISCILLA are standing on either side of the throne. PRISCILLA is holding a brandy, as per usual.
GODDESS I really think you should stop drinking, Priscilla.
PRISCILLA I know. I know, but I can’t.
GODDESS What if you-
GWYNETH (Interrupting) You know what you should do? (Starts running around in circles, and spinning, doing crazy stuff). This! (Still acting weird).
GODDESS I see. Beat. Cease!
GWYNETH stops.
GODDESS How about this? Every time you want a drink, um, just think about the Slave!
PRISCILLA (Tips the entire contents of her brandy out). Ewwwwww!!! Oh god! you’ve put me off for life! Beat. Goddess you’ve solved all my problems,
Pause. PRISCILLA conceals her glass from GODDESS while she tries to lick out any remaining alcohol from it.
GODDESS (Sighing) Now, enough about your problems…what about me?
PRISCILLA What about you? You’re the ruler of this country, you shouldn’t have any problems.
GWYNETH Hey! When you clap your hands together, it makes a sound! (Demonstrates) Yay!
GODDESS (Ignoring GWYNETH). Well, I have to marry one of the three gods. And only two of them are male! And they all suck! You’d think Gods would have amazing skills, be able to inspire fear in the bravest men, or at least look half decent for Pete’s sake! (Crying out in frustration) But those losers are all chumps!
PRISCILLA I see.
GODDESS And, I’m in love with someone else, who isn’t a god.
PRISCILLA and GWYNETH look at GODDESS, eyes widened, shocked.
PRISCILLA/ Not the Slave?
GWYNETH
GODDESS No! No! Never!
PRISCILLA/ (Sighing) Thank god!
GWYENTH
GWYNETH goes back to her stupid self, running around etc.
PRISCILLA So, who is it?
GODDESS (Half-whisper) It’s the Laundromat Guy!
PRISCILLA Too bad he’s not a god. You two would make a great couple. He loves your feet, and you love him loving your feet!
GODDESS (Angry, and also upset). I know! It’s the perfect match! And you know me, I’m not vain…
PRISCILLA (Rolling her eyes) Oh no!
GODDESS I mean, I don’t care about his looks, or his lack of conversation skills. Or the fact that he has an unhealthy fascination with my feet and, as a result, does not care for my uniqueness as a person and is almost certain to just be a laundromat guy for the rest of his life, among other things, including the teeth…
PRISCILLA (Humouring her) Of course!
GODDESS I am just a humble girl, you know. All I really want is a guy who will give me a foot rub at the end of a hard day. And he fits that description perfectly. Beat. Gwyneth, what do you think?
GWYNETH Do you truly love him?
GODDESS Beat. Yes!
GWYNETH Then you should persuade the paper cranes to stop being tardy and fulfil your burger order immediately by switching sides three minutes before the big race across time!
PRISCILLA Huh?
GODDESS (Pointing to GWYNETH) She’s right! Oh Gwyneth, that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said!
GWYNETH (Thanking GODDESS, happily). That’s three!
GODDESS I won’t give up! (Standing up, confident) I’m gonna walk right up to my parents, and I’m gonna tell them. ‘No! I’m not gonna marry any of those gods! I’m gonna marry that Laundromat Guy!’
GWYNETH Then you’d better do it now, the train for Baltimore leaves ten days ago!
GODDESS (Whispering to PRISCILLA) How did we ever become friends with her?
PRISCILLA (Shrugging her shoulders) I don’t know.
Lights down.
ACT II SCENE III
GODDESS, GWYNETH, PRISCILLA, MOTHER, FATHER, LAUNDROMAT GUY, RIGHT HAND MAN, SLAVE and JESTER are all in the room. They are all spread out, in groups and individually. GODDESS, and GWYNETH and PRISCILLA are together. MOTHER and FATHER are together. LAUNDROMAT GUY is alone. RIGHT HAND MAN is alone. SLAVE and JESTER are together. Spotlights are shone on each person or group as they speak. Spotlight is first on the SLAVE and JESTER, having a bitter fight over GODDESS.
SLAVE What?! You can’t be serious!
JESTER Oh, I am serious.
SLAVE But you can’t be!
JESTER Oh I am! And you can’t stop me!
SLAVE What about all that stuff you said, how it was too much trouble, how you’ll be doomed to disaster, and how this needed to be avoided at all costs?
JESTER Yes I did say all those things, and I meant them. But this is just too important, I have to do this, I don’t care what happens! This is for a bigger cause! I love the Goddess!
SLAVE I can’t believe I’m hearing this! She treats you like shit, she locks you up in a little cage, you’re underfed and your smell brings tears to my eyes! And besides, I love the Goddess!
JESTER I love her more!
SLAVE Do not!
JESTER Do Too!
SLAVE Do not!
JESTER Do too!
SLAVE Do not, times infinity!
JESTER Do too, infinity plus five!
SLAVE Um, ah, um. Do not, divided by the square root of your stench!
JESTER Hey, let’s not go overboard here. And besides- Beat. Do too, to the power of your gayness!
SLAVE Oh that’s it, bitch. Bring it ooooonnn!
JESTER ‘Bitch’? (Laughing) That sounds like something a gay guy would say!
SLAVE Aaarrrggghhh!
JESTER Ladies first!
SLAVE and JESTER fight like girls. Humorous fight; biting, scratching, slapping, etc. Eventually both fall to the ground, exhausted. Spotlight down. After a few seconds of darkness, the spotlight comes up on RIGHT HAND MAN.
RH MAN (Very stressed. Speaking to audience). Oh, what am I going to tell the Goddess, and the people of Atlantis? There are at least seven invading countries that infiltrated our kingdom’s border this morning and will arrive at the castle in under half an hour! They have all united together to wipe us out once and for all, and we are utterly defenceless! If only that idiot Goddess was out of the way, none of this would have happened! It’s not my fault. Every time I told her of this problem she would tell me to shut up, or go outside to play badminton or have some stupid joke competition…all piffle! Well that’s it. I’ve had enough! If this kingdom goes down- Beat. (Raising a dagger menacingly) I’m taking ‘Goddess’ Atlantis with me! (He utters an evil, insane laughter)
Spotlight down. Spotlight is next upon MOTHER and FATHER.
MOTHER You can’t do this, dear! You’re going too far this time! We need to nurture her feelings, not force her to make this decision right now!
FATHER No! The time for waiting is over.
MOTHER Please?
FATHER No! I’ve made up my mind. I’m serious.
MOTHER No! No! Please, she’s all I have…don’t kill our daughter!
FATHER What are you talking about you daft woman? Beat. I meant I was going to take away her allowance if she doesn’t marry one of the Gods!
MOTHER Oh okay. I’m cool with that.
Spotlight down, then up on the LAUNDROMAT GUY.
The LAUNDRO-MAT GUY is looking at a foot-porno magazine.
LM GUY Whoah! Can they show that? Beat. That’s mostly…ankle! (Tosses magazine away) Oh what am I talking about, it’s no substitute for those beautiful feet of the Goddess! I’m going crazy, I can’t eat or sleep! Whenever I close my eyes those feet come back to haunt my mind with their eerie splendour, their dainty elegance! Any time I walk past a shoe shop all I can see are her feet, winking at me, mocking me. For I can never have them as they are attached to the Goddess, the untouchable! But, oh woe is me, and me is woe! If only her feet could give me a sign, just show me they care about me at least a little! Oh…
Spotlight down, then up on GODDESS and GWYNETH and PRISCILLA. GWYNETH is
running around the room, insanely trying to catch butterflies.
GODDESS (To PRISCILLA) Oh! But how could I say that to him? I’ve never complimented anyone in my life, let alone a man!
GWYNETH Why aren’t you asking me for any help?
PRISCILLA You were just trying to catch butterflies, inside a castle.
GWYNETH How do you know? They don’t talk to you ever!
GODDESS (Sighing) Oh! Beat. The point is you have to help me!
PRISCILLA Why don’t you just tell him your feelings? I’m sure he’ll understand. How could anyone ever turn down a goddess anyway?
GODDESS (Very unsure about this). Err…I don’t know.
GWYNETH I know! Why don’t you just tell him your feelings? I’m sure he’ll understand. How could anyone ever turn down a goddess anyway?
GODDESS Yes! That’s brilliant! Wow, Gwyneth, you seem to be un-dumbening!
GWYNETH No, you are!
PRISCILLA But, I just said…oh, whatever.
GODDESS I’ll intimidate him with my glorious Goddess-ness and then he’ll surely bow down and accept me! Hooray!
Pause. Spotlight down for a few seconds, then lights on the whole room. Characters now see each other in the same room.
JESTER (Sees GODDESS, surprised) Goddess?!
SLAVE (Sees GODDESS) Goddess?!
RH MAN (Sees GODDESS) Goddess?!
MOTHER & (Sees GODDESS) Goddess?!
FATHER
LM GUY (Sees GODDESS, then her feet). Goddess! I mean feet!
GODDESS (Sees SLAVE and JESTER, disgusted, confused) Slave? Jester? Beat. (Sees LAUNDROMAT GUY, delighted, gasps) Laundromat Guy! Beat. (Sees MOTHER and FATHER, confused again) Mother? Father?
GWYNETH Goddess! Did I win? This is a fun game. (Taps SLAVE) You’re it! (starts running around chasing butterflies again).
GODDESS Seems I should have noticed so many people being in the same room…
Beat.
JESTER (Sees SLAVE) Slave?!
SLAVE (Sees JESTER) Jester?!
SLAVE (Sees himself) Slave?!
JESTER (Sees himself) Jester?!
Long pause, everyone is looking expectantly at MOTHER and FATHER.
MOTHER Oh, um- (Pointing to RIGHT HAND MAN) That guy?!
FATHER Um, uh- (Pointing to some random person in the audience) Some random guy in the audience! Oh…
GWYNETH Laundromat Guy?! Hey Goddess, isn’t that the guy you wanna marr-
GODDESS (Shoves hands roughly over Gwyneth’s mouth) Mary, Mary had a little lamb. Ah, I’m getting sick of this game! Now what the blinking heck is going on here?
FATHER (Looking with great interest at SLAVE) My Lord, what an interesting young man! (Heads over to SLAVE and starts staring at him. SLAVE is confused)
MOTHER (To FATHER). What are you doing you old weirdo? We are here to tell something to your daughter! Maybe you should drink some beer, you’re not sober enough and you’re embarrassing yourself!
GWYNETH (Gets loose of GODDESS finally and notices SLAVE, heads over to him and starts staring at him, very close to his face).
RIGHT HAND MAN is stroking a dagger and slowly moving towards GODDESS.
(Hugging SLAVE) You’re as pretty as a butterfly!
FATHER No, he’s mine!
GODDESS What are you doing, guys? Don’t you know he’s gay?
FATHER and GWYNETH suddenly let go of SLAVE and back away as far as possible.
FATHER Gay? Well I’m just not into that, young man!
FATHER and GWYNETH gradually look at each other, then hug.
FATHER & Ahhh this’ll do! (They remain hugging)
GWYNETH
MOTHER Wait just a minute! How can you love her? I thought you loved-
Enter THE GODS. MOTHER sees WANG DANG JACKSON. She stares straight at him, and ignores her husband.
Err, nevermind, have fun with- (Runs over to WANG DANG) Oh, Wang Dang!
WANG DANG Oh, Mother!…Old school!
WANG DANG and MOTHER embrace.
RIGHT HAND MAN has almost reached GODDESS and about to strike, grinning deviously. Suddenly SLAVE and JESTER shove him out of the way, sending him sprawling to the floor.
SLAVE Outta the way, old man!
JESTER Yeah, move it! Beat. Goddess?
GODDESS Yes?
SLAVE & We love you!
JESTER
GODDESS Oh, God. Could things get any worse? I don’t love either of you, I’m in love with someone else!
SLAVE & Noooo!
JESTER
RH MAN No Jester, you can’t love the Goddess- (Getting up off the floor) for you see…I love you!
JESTER Whaaaah?!
RH MAN Yes! And I was going to kill the Goddess!!
EVERYONE Whaaaaa?!
GODDESS Me? Why on earth would you want to kill me? I’m so cute and irresistible!
RH MAN (Sighing) It’s the only way I could be with the Jester. With you out of the way, I inherit the kingdom and I can do as I choose, including taking your Jester!
GODDESS Ooooh! What a devious plan! So this has nothing to do with the invading?
RH MAN Yeah, well…it was, but then I got caught up in the whole loving the Jester thing and everything else and, you know how it goes…
GODDESS Oh, alright then. But, don’t try and kill me again!
RH MAN Yes, m’lady.
JESTER Yeah, well…I sort of secretly love the Right Hand Man too. So…
JESTER and RIGHT HAND MAN hug.
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES (To PRISCILLA) Freight trains; we’ll show you why they’re giving you termites! And, Princess Diana; is she really dead, or was it a ploy to keep the paparazzi away forever? We’ll exhume her body and desecrate her grave to find out!
PRISCILLA Wow, gossip! I love that in a God!
GOD OF UNNECESSARY NEWS AT IRRELEVANT
TIMES Oh, Priscilla!
PRISCILLA Oh, God of Unnecessary News at Irrelevant Times!
They embrace. FANNY looks around, as though there’s no one for her.
SLAVE Hey! God of Loneliness?
FANNY Yeah?
SLAVE What about me?
FANNY Well, maybe…
JESTER & No way! Come with us, God of Loneliness!
RH MAN
JESTER (Raising eyebrows suggestively) Yeah, I’ve got a cage out back!
FANNY Wow! You two? Beat. I’ll never be lonely again!
SLAVE Can I come?
JESTER No!
SLAVE Aw!
GODDESS Well, I’ve never seen such a thing in my life, everyone’s just falling in love for no apparent reason…and I have a confession to make. I’m in love with someone too, but it hasn’t just happened in the last few seconds like all you weirdos! But he isn’t a God unfortunately.
SLAVE I knew you secretly loved me!!!
GODDESS Ewww! Never!
SLAVE Awww!
GODDESS No, it’s actually…the Laundromat Guy!
Everyone gasps.
GWYNETH (Sighing) Ahhh, isn’t love grand? Five grand to be exact! Woooo!
SLAVE Him?! That geezer?!
RH MAN Him? He’s just a lowly servant, not even fit to clean your royal butt!
SLAVE I wish I got that job.
GODDESS But I love him so much, no one else makes me or my feet feel so happy! And I know he’s not a god, and that I am forbidden to fraternise with mere mortals but-
LM GUY But you can fraternise me all you want because I am a God!
EVERYONE BUT MOTHER AND
FATHER Whaaaaah?
MOTHER Yes. Your father and I knew that all along, we just didn’t think you’d like him.
LM GUY Ouch!
FATHER But, oh jolly, this all works out a treat! You may wed as soon as you wish, darling!
LM GUY Yeah sorry about all this, I just forgot to mention it I guess, considering I’m not really allowed to speak around your gracious presence…and I never told you my name, its not in fact ‘Laundromat Guy’, it’s-
GODDESS (Interrupting) Oh I am so happy! I can’t believe this, I’m shocked and speechless!!
GODDESS runs over and hugs LAUNDROMAT GUY.
LM GUY Hello!
PRISCILLA So if you’re a god, what kind of god are you then?
LM GUY I’m the God of Cleanliness, of course!
GODDESS Hmm, makes sense! With you as my husband I’ll never be dirty again! Oh I love you!
LM GUY And I love you, feet! (Goes down to lick her feet) Oh, and the parts of you that aren’t your feet aren’t too bad either!
GODDESS That’s all I ever asked for!
They embrace. All leave, happy, except for SLAVE, who remains standing in his spot, stunned.
SLAVE This isn’t right!
Lights fade down.
ACT II SCENE IV
Lights up. Wedding of GODDESS and LAUNDROMAT GUY. All the characters from the previous scene have been invited and are lined together to either side of a rectangular space that is to serve as a passage for the bride and groom. Music is being played softly in the background, it is ‘Heaven’s Gonna Burn Your Eyes’ by Thievery Corporation. RIGHT HAND MAN is serving as a minister for the ceremony. All are happy, holding their partners, except for SLAVE, who is in attendance but sulking and towards the back. FATHER is holding a plant while holding hands with GWYNETH.
RH MAN -And in this ceremony of two Gods, it is only appropriate that we are now on the very top of the Tower of Heavens, the tallest point of the Kingdom of Atlantis, to celebrate what is an occasion of stratospheric heights. You will all witness history today, a guy who may actually put up with the Goddess, for more than ten minutes!
Everyone laughs. GODDESS puts her hand to her neck, symbolising a cut-throat motion.
RH MAN Err, now she’s gonna kill me, but it was worth it for that joke!
Everyone laughs.
RH MAN Anyway, back to the point…do you Sarah, Goddess of Atlantis take this
Lowly, err, lovely man, Laundromat Guy, Dwayne McClean-em, as your royally wedded God husband?
GODDESS Dwayne McClean-em? (Laughing) Err…I mean, I do!
RH MAN Riight! And do you, Laundromat Guy, Dwayne McClean-Em, take Sarah Goddess of Atlantis?
LM GUY (Muttering) Only for her feet…
RH MAN Pardon?
LM GUY Err, I do.
RH MAN And so on the joyous day, I now pronounce you husband and-
All of a sudden, a woman dressed in military gear, JOAN OF ARC, a man dressed in military gear also, JOSEPH STALIN and another man dressed in military gear, THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD, enter the room. All three stride up to the altar, and confront the GODDESS.
JOAN OF Stop this at once!
ARC
FATHER sees JOAN OF ARC, THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD and JOSEPH STALIN, and drops his plant in shock.
RH MAN Oh crap! The imminent invasion with all those countries out to kill us. I knew we’d forgotten something important!
GODDESS (Sees JOAN OF ARC) Oh, that skanky ho! (Sees JOSEPH STALIN) The seventies pornstar! (Sees THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD). And that guy with that son I always make fun of!
Everyone gasps.
GODDESS What in blazes do you want?!
JOAN OF We are here for only one purpose…
ARC
SQUIRE -To destroy your kingdom…
OF GALLALAD
JOSEPH -And to finally kill…
STALIN
JOAN OF ARC AND JOSEPH STALIN AND THE SQUIRE OF
GALLALAD -You!
JOAN OF And there’s nothing you can do to stop us! Seventeen countries have
ARC united their forces against you and have surrounded your castle! There is no escape for you!
JOSEPH And once we have murdered you and your pathetic royal servants, we will STALIN bring this castle to the ground and then utterly devastate your kingdom!
SQUIRE OF Yeah that’ll teach you not to make fun of us, graffiti our walls, murder our GALLALAD diplomats and merchants, and steal our chickens!
GODDESS (Aside to RIGHT-HAND MAN) They’re just so tasty!
Softly at first, but getting louder and louder, the Austin Powers theme is being played in the background. Everyone but JOAN OF ARC, JOSEPH STALIN, and THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD are being distracted by this, starting to dance a little, nodding their heads, along to the beat of the music, while JOAN OF ARC, JOSEPH STALIN, and THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD all draw their weapons, ready to attack. They advance on the GODDESS, who is whimpering, and hugging the LAUNDRO-MAT GUY. The music eventually gets so loud that everyone is distracted from what they were doing, even JOAN OF ARC, JOSEPH STALIN, and THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD. They drop their weapons.
JOAN OF What the hell is going on?
ARC
GODDESS Where’d that music come from?
FATHER grabs GWYNETH and starts dancing, others follow them.
JOSEPH What are you doing?! Don’t you realise how serious this situation is?
STALIN
SQUIRE Oh come on Joseph, let’s party!
OF GALLALAD
THE SQUIRE OF GALLALAD grabs JOSEPH STALIN and starts dancing with him.
GODDESS (Confused) What were we doing anyway? Oh, who cares! Let’s dance, Laundromat Guy!
Eventually everyone, except for JOAN OF ARC and SLAVE, starts dancing. JOAN OF ARC looks around her, really confused. She shrugs her shoulders as though saying, ‘whatever’, then starts dancing really wacky with everyone else. SLAVE is confused and sad, looking around as though searching for someone to dance with.
JOAN OF
ARC I’ll tell all the troops, invasion’s off and they’re all invited to party down!
WOOOOO!
Dancing continues for a minute, characters getting audience members involved. Eventually lights down all of a sudden and music stops instantly, characters freeze in cheesy poses for audience. Lights on to show poses, wait for applause etc. All characters leave except for SLAVE, looking lost and sad. He finds the plant that was dropped by FATHER, looks at it briefly then picks it up.
SLAVE Will you love me, plant? Beat. (SLAVE holds his ear to the plant as though hearing the plant whisper in his ear.) You will? Oh I’m just so happy! Well I’ve learned a valuable lesson here today, I hope you have too, and that lesson is…
Cut off by lights down.
Awwww!
THE END
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