By Peter
Bird
peterbird@nighthag.com.au
A ONE ACT
PLAY
CHARACTERS IN THE
PLAY.
BRUCE BOTTLEMAN: 45-50 yrs old. Tall,
fit, adventurous. Has a passionate ambition to catch the Panther at all
costs.
MARION BOTTLEMAN: 40-45. Wife.
Determined, like Bruce, to catch the Panther.
CLARKE REDFORD: 30-35. Inventor for a Children's
toy manufacturer's company.
Believes he has found the ideal toy in his latest creation; A Panther
Peeker!
JENNY REDFORD: 30-35. Sceptical of Panther's
existence. Sceptical of Clarke's new toy. Has a habit of breaking out into
opera during her sleep.
ROY GILL. 45-50. World famous expert on the
Kangaroo Valley Panther. A bit of a crafty sort of fellow. Disguises
himself as the panther.
THE PANTHER
ITSELF....Note** There can be an option
as to whether two panther costumes are needed for this play. One: Roy
Gill's fake outfit. Two: the option exists for a panther (supposedly the
REAL one) to follow the last actors off stage in act III. I have written
the play with the second panther in it, but this can be easily omitted,
providing the "growl" is still heard as curtains
close.
[SCENE 1. AS THE CURTAIN OPENS
BRUCE, MARION, CLARKE AND JENNY ARE FOUND SEATED AROUND A SMALL CAMPFIRE
SOMEWHERE IN THE WILD KANGAROO VALLEY BUSHLAND. THEY ARE HAPPILY ENGAGED
IN A SERIOUS GAME OF CARDS. A THREE PERSON TENT IS OFF TO ONE SIDE. THERE
ARE A FEW SCATTERED CAMPING IMPLEMENTS AROUND SITE. I.E. A BILLY, POTS AND
PANS ETC... THEY EACH HAVE A MUG OF TEA FROM WHICH THEY SIP FROM NOW AND
THEN.
IT IS NIGHT TIME.
STAGE LIGHTING IS MINIMAL.]
BRUCE]
I did not
cheat!
MARION]
You did,
love. I saw you.
BRUCE]
[TO THE OTHERS] Did you see me cheat?
Did you? I don't cheat! I've never cheated in my whole
life!
MARION]
You did,
dear. You put a diamond down instead of a heart. You reneged. [PAUSE]
BRUCE]
Ah! God
damn it. Did you see that? A flaming great mozzie just took half a pint of
blood out of me neck. Look! There he goes! Come back here you rotten
scoundrel of a thing. Give me my blood back!
[HE SWIPES AT THE
MOZZIE, KNOCKING THE CARD TABLE OVER IN THE
PROCESS.]
JENNY]
Oh!
Bruce, now look what you've done.
CLARKE]
You
clumsy clot!
BRUCE]
Don't
call me a clumsy clot. Who burnt the billy water not five minutes
ago?
MARION]
You
cannot burn water, Bruce.
BRUCE]
Well Clarke did, didn't
you, Clarke.
CLARKE]
You can't pick on me now
Bruce. You may be my boss at the workshop, but out here your insults fall on
deaf ears.
BRUCE]
Well I hope you're
listening to this, because the fact that you are here is not because of some
wild adventurous spirit of your own. It's because I have kindly decided to give
you the opportunity to air your latest project. As you can understand, myself,
being the owner of Bottleman Toys, I have a monetary interest in the success of
your latest invention, and not only that, I, personally have a very indulgent
passion for the subject we are here pursuing. I have put a lot of money into
this expedition, and I expect a certain favourable result to come from it. A
weekend in Kangaroo Valley does not come cheap. I hope you all appreciate that I
am digging very deeply into the kitty money.
[JENNY LAUGHS]
BRUCE]
What are you laughing
at?
JENNY]
Kitty money. Isn't that
what we're here for?
[ALL LAUGH EXCEPT FOR
MARION, WHO YAWNS INSTEAD]
MARION]
Well, I don't see what's
so funny. Perhaps it's because I'm so tired. [RISES] Think I'll
go to bed.
CLARKE]
Wait a minute, Marion,
you can't go yet. We haven't finished the game.
BRUCE]
Let her go, Son. Can't
you see she's tired? It's probably a good thing to finish the game there anyway.
We'll call it a draw.
CLARKE]
How can you call it a
draw? Your team was losing five games to two.
[THEY SIP AT TEA, GAZING
INTO THE NIGHT SKY.]
BRUCE]
Beautiful night.
MARION]
Yes. It's nice here, away
from the city. Nice to be back. But I hope this time we're more successful than
last year's expedition.
CLARKE]
Do you think we will find
this panther?
JENNY]
Who knows!
BRUCE]
Of course we will, my
boy. Don't listen to your doubting wife. This is our third expedition, but I'm
feeling very positive about things. And this time, don't forget, we've got your
new invention, the marvellous panther detector. So we're sure to catch it
now.
MARION]
Where is this so called
Panther detector, Clarke? You've been talking about it all morning. I'm dying to
see it.
CLARKE]
[ENTHUSIASTICALLY] I'll show you
tomorrow. It's a bit of a handful to set up. Children won't have any difficulty
putting it together, of course. They seem to go in for awkward toys. Toys that
adults struggle for ages over. Seems the more complex a toy, the more kids love
it. Funny isn't it. Anyway, I hope they like this, otherwise [TURNS AND WINKS AT
BRUCE SLYLY] I might be out of a job soon.
MARION]
Good luck anyway. I hear
that yo- yo's and Frisbees are big news
at the moment.
CLARKE]
Just a passing phase they
are. No, I think my invention will topple the humble Frisbee. What children are
lacking is that adventurous spirit. I hope to encourage that inquisitive,
adventurous mind through my creation. Got to get them away from those stupid
bloody computers. Get them into the wild outdoors. Get some fresh air into their
lungs. I honestly couldn't think of a better thing to do on a warm sunny day
than for the family to enjoy a day in the bush hunting panthers.
MARION]
How does it work?
CLARKE]
It's works on a sound
frequency concept. My machine acts as a sound sine wave which can be altered
according to different sound patterns in animals. In particular, panthers, which
this instrument aims at attracting. Thus, I can draw a panther in from a radius
of about five kilometres. Once I have drawn in the panther, I can alter the
frequency and sedate it. Make it go to sleep. That's especially handy if one
wants to study the animal without being eaten by it. It causes relatively little
pain to the ears. It's also ozone friendly.
JENNY]
You don't think panthers
would mind being zapped?
CLARKE]
[SHRUGGING] Who cares anyway?
I'm trying to sell Panther Peekers to the public. Not patronise a panther's
privacy.
JENNY]
Oh, Purrrfectly put.
MARION]
[AMUSED] Panther
peekers?
CLARKE]
Certainly. Don't you like
the name? I thought it had a certain childish innocence about it. Appeals to
adults' soft centre to buy it for their kids, you see.
BRUCE]
You think children will
be safe enough against a panther armed with simply one of these panther
peckers?
CLARKE]
Peekers. Well, it's only
a bloody cat after all, isn't it really?
MARION]
We're talking about WILD
panthers here, Clarke. The Kangaroo Valley panther is a WILD panther. It kills
dogs. No, no. It RIPS dogs apart. It tears them into shreds. It has Alsatians
for breakfast and Dobermans for between meal snacks. It has claws, which with
just one single swipe, can rent the flesh clean from your very bones. It has
fangs which are over two inches long. It can leap five metres in the air. It can
outrun most other animals. It is a brutal and methodical killing machine. Don't
underestimate a panther.
CLARKE]
That's all very well, but
it's still only a cat.
MARION]
Oh! I give up. I'm going
to bed.
BRUCE]
Nite, dear.
[MARION EXITS]
JENNY]
Watch out for the
panther!
CLARKE]
Jenny, really! You'll
have Marion staying awake all night now. She'll be scared witless.
BRUCE]
No. It's okay. I think my
wife can handle it.
JENNY]
If you ask me I think all
of this is a big joke. Panthers and panther detecting toys, for Christ sake!
CLARKE]
I believe there ARE
panthers out there. [JENNY MAKES A RUDE FARTING SOUND IN HER MOUTH.]
BRUCE]
Clarke's right.
JENNY]
Oh, how do you know?
BRUCE]
Evidence, of course.
JENNY]
What evidence? Plaster
casted pawprints. What a load of crap.
BRUCE]
What about all the
sightings from reputable people over the years?
JENNY]
They're all loose in the
head, the whole lot of them.
BRUCE]
I've seen it, and so has
Marion. Are you suggesting WE'RE loose in the head too?
JENNY]
Well.... no.I mean..
BRUCE]
What about all those
photographs of footprints taken last year by Roy Gill- Now there's a man who
knows his panthers.
JENNY]
Roy Gill's an idiot!
BRUCE]
How can you justify
saying that? Roy Gill has a PHD in Pantherology. He is head of Sydney's Panther
University for Social Studies. He has been a member of the Panther Investigation
Society for twenty years. What Roy Gill doesn't know about panther's is
anyones.
JENNY]
Well I still think
that...
BRUCE]
Shhh...Listen!
CLARKE]
What is it?
BRUCE]
Out there, by those
trees. Thought I heard something.
CLARKE]
Could it?
BRUCE]
It could.
JENNY]
It probably is, and I'm
going for the shotgun.
CLARKE]
Spoken in the true manner
of a sceptic! As for the gun, don't bother dear. I left it at home.
JENNY]
You did what? What on
earth for? What if there is a bloody panther out there? Are you just going to
sit here and let it fall on you from a great height?
CLARKE]
That's just the typical
sort of reaction we don't want. Look what happened to King Kong when they showed
hostility toward him.
JENNY]
I fail to see what that
has to do with anything, but tell me anyway. What happened?
CLARKE]
Huh? What?
JENNY]
King Kong. You were
talking about King Kong. What happened to him?
CLARKE]
Oh...er. They shot him,
didn't they?
BRUCE]
I don't think so, Clarke.
I always thought it was the Empire State building. I'm not sure. Didn't they
blow him up with an atom bomb? [THE TREES RUSTLE. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A WILD PANTHER
MEOWING.] Stay calm. I think it might only be the panther.
JENNY]
I'm going to get the
gun.
CLARKE]
We've been through this
before. I told you I left it at home. We're not here to shoot the damned thing.
We're here to test my Panther Detector on it.
JENNY]
I've seen you do trial
runs with that contraption of yours. Your pecker takes about ten minutes to get
set up for use. Until that time it is completely useless. And BY that
time anyway, I feel we would all be nothing but bits of flesh and bone dangling
from the inside of some happy panthers' mouth. Need I remind you also that our
tent is in that direction. In case you hadn't worked it out, the Panther is
between you and me and your pecker.
CLARKE]
It's peeker, dear.
Pee-ker.
JENNY]
Whatever you call it! The
fact is, we are in a crisis situation, and all you care about is the name of
your stupid invention.
BRUCE]
Never fear, good people.
I have a humble item in my bag which will save us all. [HE REACHES INTO A
PAPER BAG AND PULLS OUT A MANDARIN WHICH HE MISTAKES FOR AN ORANGE.] An
orange.
JENNY]
Are you kidding? What
good is a bloody orange? I suppose we could throw it at the thing if worst comes
to worst.
BRUCE]
No. Cat's hate oranges.
They find the smell repulsive. It's the best defence a person can have against a
panther. Honestly. Cats loathe oranges. Try it on the neighbour's cat when you
get home.
JENNY]
[HIDING BEHIND
CLARKE'S BACK] But they're cats.
We're talking about a man eating monster out there that is capable of tearing us
to shreds, and may do so at any ..[SHE SUDDENLY DISCOVERS THAT IT IS A RABBIT] You
twits! That was no panther! It was nothing but a very noisy rabbit. Look! There
it goes! You two have been drinking too much. How could you have mistaken a
rabbit for a panther?
BRUCE]
Well it sure sounded like
a panther to me.
JENNY]
Bruce, I think you are
drunk?
BRUCE]
Drunk? I'm not drunk. In
fact I've never felt better. Now what could I be drunk on?
JENNY]
I have a sneaking
suspicion that your water container does not contain water.
BRUCE]
My dear lady, water and
nothing else. I assure you.
JENNY]
Well, I'm off to bed.
Coming Clarke?
CLARKE]
Er..no Jen, not yet.
Bruce and myself have still got some business to attend to. I'll be along
shortly.
JENNY]
Don't be too long,
now.
[JENNY EXITS]
[BRUCE AND CLARKE WATCH HER GO. WHEN SHE HAS GONE, THEY EACH PULL OUT A SIX PACK
OF BEER AND GIVE CHEERS TO THEMSELVES.] [CURTAIN]
SCENE
2. [THE SAME, AN HOUR LATER. THE EMPTY BOTTLES ARE STREWN
AROUND THE CAMPFIRE. BRUCE AND CLARKE ARE LOOKING ALMOST DRUNK. AS THE CURTAIN
OPENS THEY ARE HEARD SINGING THE LAST FEW BARS OF "THE OVERLANDER" VERY LOUDLY.
THEY ARE SEATED BESIDE THE CAMPFIRE, A BOTTLE IN HAND.]
BRUCE & CLARKE SINGING]
"So pass the billy 'round
boys, don't let the pint pot stand there, for tonight we'll drink the health-of
every overlander." [CLARKE BURPS LOUDLY- ALMOST VOMITING. SUDDENLY THERE IS A
FIERCE GROWLING NOISE, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF SOMETHING MOVING THROUGH THE
BUSH. THE MEN SOBER UP VERY QUICKLY.]
CLARKE]
Shit Bruce, what was
that?
BRUCE]
Well it wasn't me if
that's what you were thinking. I went before tea. [MORE GROWLS]
CLARKE]
It's the panther, Bruce!
It's out there!
BRUCE]
Don't worry. I've still
got the orange.
[PLACES IT TOWARD STAGE LEFT EXIT.] Here kitty kitty. See what I've got for
you? A nice orange. [PAUSE. MORE "SUBDUED" GROWLS.]
CLARKE]
See it?
BRUCE]
No. Not yet. No. Yes.
Wait a minute. There's something out there. Its...its.. [JENNY'S VOICE IS HEARD
BREAKING OUT INTO A LOUD AND VERY UNPLEASANT OPERA OF SOME UNDEFINABLE ORIGIN.
LASTS FOR ABOUT 10 SECONDS.]
BRUCE]
[BLOCKING HIS
EARS] My God! What a fiendish sound that brute of a monster
makes! It's enough to drive a man insane. I have never heard such a mournful cry
come from an animal. Brace yourself Clarke. We are dealing with no ordinary
panther, but of some hellish demon, for surely something that cries with such
hideous passion as that can be nothing that our good God has created in all his
innocence.
CLARKE]
Well, in fact that was my
wife.
BRUCE]
Your wife? Jenny?
CLARKE]
Yes. It's one of her
worst habits I'm afraid. She does it almost every night just as she gets to
sleep. She has a passion for opera, you see. I suppose it's like talking in ones
sleep. Jenny isn't aware that she does it, and when I ask her about it, she
denies the whole thing.
BRUCE]
Why, that's crazy!
CLARKE]
I'll say it is.
BRUCE]
Well, crazy or not, I
think she might have just saved both our lives. The panther appears to have
departed.
CLARKE]
Or whatever it was.
Anyway, I thought you said we were in no danger. I thought you said the orange
would protect us.
BRUCE]
And so I did, but I've
only just realised something very startling. [PICKING UP THE PIECE
OF FRUIT.] It's not an orange. It's a mandarin. [BOTH LAUGH.] I
think we'd better get some sleep. A big day is ahead of us tomorrow.
CLARKE]
I'll have the peeker set
up first thing in the morning.
BRUCE]
No doubt. But in the
meantime I think I'll go and sleep with your wife.
CLARKE]
I beg your pardon?
BRUCE]
Seems to me to be the
safest place to be whilst that panther is roaming about.
CLARKE]
I'm sure Marion will
protect you. You could always learn to sing opera. [LAUGH] [PAUSE] [*SOUND
FX OF A CRICKET.] Beautiful night.
BRUCE]
Yeah.
CLARKE]
It's so peaceful here.
Well, save a cricket chirruping in the distance. [SFX*
ANOTHER CRICKET.] Ah, there's another. [SFX* A THIRD CRICKET] And yet another. [SFX* OWL] And
there's an owl. [SFX* KOOKABURRA] Oh, and a Kookaburra! [SFX* LOTS OF DIFFERENT
ANIMAL SONDS ALL TOGETHER.] And frogs! And bats! And possums! [SUDDENLY THE FOREST IS
FULL OF NOISY ANIMALS.]
BRUCE]
[BLOCKING HIS
EARS.] I wish you'd have kept your bloody mouth shut! [BRUCE EXITS.]
CLARKE]
What did I say? [FOLLOWS BRUCE.
EXITS.]
[CURTAIN]
SCENE 3.
[THE
NEXT MORNING. SAME SETTING. THERE IS A SMALL TABLE, UPON WHICH A LARGE BASIN SITS.
MARION IS WASHING DISHES IN IT. JENNY IS WIPING. THERE ARE A FEW CAMPING TOOLS
SCATTERED ABOUT. {I.E. SHOVEL, ETC} CAMPFIRE IS OUT. BOTTLES HAVE BEEN REMOVED.
ETC..AS CURTAIN OPENS BRUCE IS CLIMBING FROM THE TENT.]
BRUCE]
[YAWNING] Morning
Jenny.
JENNY]
Morning Bruce.
BRUCE]
Morning love. [KISSES MARION]
MARION]
Morning dear. [BRUCE PICKS UP A SMALL
CAMPING SHOVEL AND EXITS S/LEFT]
JENNY]
How long have you and
Bruce been married?
MARION]
Fifteen years. Fifteen
good years.
JENNY]
It's nice to find
somebody happily married.
MARION]
That has an ominous tone
about it. I take it things are not faring too well with you and Clarke?
JENNY]
You could say that. Seems
like we just fight and fight all the time. I wish we could sort it out between
us, but. Well. He's so compulsive. For example this panther business. Now
really...
MARION]
I detect sarcasm. You
have doubts about the success of our expedition?
JENNY]
Don't you? Oh, I forgot.
You're on their side.
MARION]
No. I'm not on anybody's
side. I happen to believe that there is a panther out there and it will
eventually be found. Maybe not by us...
JENNY]
And maybe not with
Clarke's stupid bloody panther invention, either. Do you know how many nights he
has kept me awake talking about that thing? Talking about his great
revolutionary discovery. `Think' he said. `Think of how this invention is going
to benefit all Australians. Think of how it will alter the traditional beer-
in-front-of-the-telly weekend for all the treacherous Norms out there. No longer
will they need to be sitting on their great arses doing nothing. The panther
detector is going to change all of that. Think' he said, `of all the people out
there suddenly hunting for panthers. It's just what the public has been waiting
for'. HA!
MARION]
But it's his job. Clarke
has to come up with new ideas or Bruce will fire him. It just so happens that
Clarke's invention coincides with Bruce's favourite pastime; hunting for
panthers.
JENNY]
Do you know what he
invented last year? His so-called `big break through'? I'll tell you. He
invented a new kind of yo yo.
MARION]
Yes... I remember Bruce
mentioning something about that a long time ago. Tell me about it.
JENNY]
It wasn't a normal yo yo.
Not one that simply went up and down. No, that's too obvious. Clarke's yo yo
played from left to right.
MARION]
Well that's marvellous! A
horizontally played yo yo. What a great idea. That should prove popular.
JENNY]
You think so? How many
horizontal yo yo's have you seen lately?
MARION]
Well... [BRUCE ENTERS LAUGHING
TO HMSELF. REPLACES SHOVEL.]
BRUCE]
Clarke's on his way down.
[LAUGHING] You
should see the thing he's brought with him. It's .ridiculous. I just hope it
works, or Clarke's out of a job. [EXITS]
JENNY]
You see? Clarke's been
made a fool of by everyone. They joke about him. Pick on him. Call him hurtful
names. I tell you, Marion, it isn't fair to him. He's the laughing stock of the
planet. They're calling my husband a froot loop. It's so embarrassing
MARION ]
I'm sure people aren't
that cruel to him. They just misunderstand him, that's all.
JENNY]
